Cold Hearted B*tch

**Posts:** 4 · by **HolyTerror** » Mon Feb 07, 2005 1:02 pm

I'm what the title says. A cold hearted b*tch. I swear I think if I had a soul I would hate myself. I almost want to avoid writing this post entirely because I know I could never say everything I wanted to, nor express it properly. I'm not even going to try. I'm just going to give you some bare basics. I have a problem. I get angry and snap at people over the stupidest things, only to see how wrong I was later. Also, when I am angry or irritated or sad about anything I take it out on those around me. I have even verbally attacked and screamed at my sister when she was just trying to help me. I have several times made her cry and for no good reason. I make a lot of people cry. And sometimes I don't stop there. I just keep attacking them verbally. Insulting them and attacking their weak points....purposefully targeting sensitive areas....and screaming at them. I become physcially violent sometimes, but I take it out on myself. At least now. When I was younger, I did physically attack a couple of my friends and a family member or two. Both friends stuck with me through that, but one eventually drifted away. The other is still my friend. I quit attacking others though. I have always- as a child and now- took it out on myself. Even when I attacked others I attacked myself, too. Hitting and biting myself and pulling my hair. I have actually beat knots into my head only a couple years ago. Oh yeah, and pinching (sometimes with my fingernails, breaking the skin) and scratching (bringing skin and blood at times) myself. I have a really long scar from scratching myself previously, but it's not because I hurt myself bad. I just scar easy. I scream and cry and beat the floor and sling myself about untill I am sick and my head hurts and I worry I am going to give myself an anurism. I will say I have some control over abusing myself though. I am too much of a coward and pain wimp to take it to far. I just do it some to release the rage. Anyways, back to being mean to others. When I am mad I say the meanest cruelest things I can possibly say. I mean I honestly become cruel. Sometimes it's calculating, but other times I just say it before I know what's coming out of my mouth. Either way I regret it, but I never stop and my apologies always have a "But" or an "Or" in them. I get angry at others for my own mistakes and I will actually continue to be rude to others during an argument even after they've returned to being nice to me and have apologized, agreed to give me my way, and even accepted full responsibility for the argument. I won't let it go and I won't let them let it go. I have to pick pick pick at people even when they're begging me to lay off. Sometimes I b*tch at people even though I know an argument is my fault, because I am upset, even if I am upset because of something I said to them earlier, rather than apologize I just take it out on them because I am dissapointed with myself. I know how stupid that is, but I don't stop. I don't know why. Sometimes I do feel justified in the begining but realize I either wasn't justified earlier. That I was plain wrong, or over reacted, or misunderstood, or that the other person misunderstood and I could have cleared it up if I talked it out calmly instead of jumping them. Other times I don't feel justified, but I can't stop. Well, I could I guess, but I don't. I have said things I can never take back. Cruel heinous heart wrenching things. I scream at theese people, too. Very loudly. Sometimes I won't even let them talk. I threaten to hurt myself. I throw phones. Not at people but just at random places. I have damaged phones this way and I think destroyed one. I slam doors and once made a hole in the wall, but it was an accident. I sometimes open them back up just to slam them repeatedly. I lock myself in the bathroom which distresses my family and loved ones. I think they think I am going to hurt myself, but I really just want to get away. My own mother has told me that I was the biggest problem she'd ever had in her life. She's told me I was so mean the devil was liable to come and carry me away and that I cared about no one but myself. And she's told me I was the devil. My sister said I could be such an a**hole sometimes and people call me meanie like it's a pet name. Even when they are being cheerful with me they call me mean and meanie. My very forgiving, accepting, understanding, loving, and tolerating boyfriend even admits I have a definite mean streak I need to work on. I take it out on people I care about most usually. I can't even be nice to people when they are sick or dieing. I feel evil sometimes. I told someone this before and they tried to convince me I was a good person. Now they think I am the devil too. I have been told I am so mean to people that they will prob. haunt me when they die. I am a horrible person and I feel like I make everyone's lives miserable and that they are all going to leave me alone because I am such an evil cold souless heartless cruel vindictive sadistic b*tch. I also have probs. with anxiety, general irritability, numbness, apathy, and oh yeah, if anyone says anything back to me sometimes I am just numb and other times I start to cry like they are the ones being mean to me. How hypocritical and unfair to turn the tables that way. I don't know if I subconciously mean to or if I just cry because I am really that hurt when they return blows. Or both. I sometimes stay angry at someone for awhile after our argument even if it was my fault. I have noticed, by the way that even when a fight ends with me still feeling that the fight or at least parts of it weren't my fault, the fight or these parts of it that I still don't feel responsible for are sometimes blamed on me anyways. I end up feeling that even when I don't think I am trying to do anything bad, and don't feel that I'm being bad, that I am being bad anyways. Like it's always my fault. And knowing me, it prob. is. I am embarassed by who I am. I very strongly dislike myself....but I am to self centered to hate myself and possibly just too numb to boot. I say I'll change, but I never do and my promises seem so repetitive and empty now. What do my promises mean anymore? My boyfriend often doesn't even say it's okay now....he just says ayh. I guess he is tired of my empty promises to quit and my repetitive apologies for doing the same things repeatedly. Then I scream at him for not saying something nicer to me and he says it's fine. Sometimes I feel like a monster, sometimes a corpse, sometimes just a cold b*tch, and sometimes like a child. Just a child that acts childish and needs to be petted. I don't know why I'm like this. I am afraid everyone will eventually think me an evil b*tch and head for the hills leaving me alone. I don't want to lose them. I don't want to hurt them either. But I do. I hurt them and push them away and I hurt myself. I don't know why. I'm sorry if I repeated myself. I know I prob. did, but I have a prob. with being repetitive. Anyways, I wanted to know if anyone could relate. I feel like a lone demon.

**Posts:** 4 · by **HolyTerror** » Mon Feb 07, 2005 1:22 pm

I know I just wrote a bunch of boring repetitive crap, but allow me to add one thing. I think I am going to hell and there is no way out. I feel like I have a bad heart and we can't help how our hearts feel and therefore I kind of feel as if I was born damned. This is not to say I think I have no responsibility for my actions. Actions we can control. They are my fault. However, our feelings we can't help. So when I hurt people that's my fault. But me being a dark hearted devil on the inside, well maybe I can't help that. Those feelings. Those thoughts. Even if this was true and I was born like this and couldn't help who I was (only what I did), and if I never did anything bad, but was still this way on the inside, I feel as though I still wouldn't be deserving of love or pity or very much mercy (although I'd give some mercy to pretty much anyone). I'd still be an abomination. Oh and in the above post when I said, "My boyfriend often doesn't even say it's okay now....he just says ayh. I guess he is tired of my empty promises to quit and my repetitive apologies for doing the same things repeatedly. Then I scream at him for not saying something nicer to me and he says it's fine," if I wasn't clear, I meant I scream at him for not saying something more receptive than ayh. Like I deserve even that much of a forgiving remark. I know when I say I'm sorry and he just says "ayh," he's already forgiven me. He's just still upset about it and should be.....but I can't let it go. I have to yell at him because he wasn't immediately cheery and chummy again.

**Posts:** 111 · by **san** » Tue Feb 08, 2005 9:06 am

**Posts:** 2522 · by **kfedouloff** » Tue Feb 08, 2005 12:13 pm

Hi HolyTerror!

You sound like quite some woman! I'm guessing, but I wonder if one of the reasons why you are so angry is to hide a huge sense of doubt about yourself? Better to be evil than to be a nothing?

Maybe you didn't get such great help in learning how to look after your own sense of self-worth. I'd recommend signing up for the free Self-Confidence Course. You could also do with the free Panic Attacks course - I know you are not worrying about panic attacks, but the point is that that course has some great tips for how to calm yourself down when you are getting worked up, which you might find useful.

See what you think!

Kathleen

**Posts:** 61 · by **shandawilliams** » Wed Feb 09, 2005 10:47 am

Hi

I love your post. You explaind me to a T. I yell and scream at everyone all of the time. I locked my husband out of the house for no reason today. I was pissed off for no reason. He had to go buy everything he needs for tomorrow because I had a fit. I have been told that I need to take responsibilty for my actions and learn the signals and try to think!think!think! before I speak. It only works about 2% of the time because I don't have time to think.

Shanda

**Posts:** 111 · by **san** » Fri Feb 11, 2005 10:56 am

holy terror,
i wonder if u can notice that there is a gap between two words, the same way there is a gap or space between two thoughts. thought can not exist without that space. right now u r too much identified with your thoughts. everybody is. BUT if u can observe ur mind u will see the same space between two thoughts.
that space is ur freedom. u can write anything there. u can even write garbage, or u can start living into that space in your day to day life.
that space is u.
if u really want silence then be silent.
past does not exist, it is thought that gives continuty to past.
u have writen everything here in this post, and expressed ur feelings, FINISHED.
whatsoever u have done..it is all finished.
now dont commit the same mistake.
try to commit new mistakes,
be little bit creative,
be intelligent.
and from today learn to watch your mind, your thoughts, and see if there is any space between two thoughts and if u can write something new there.
a lovesong or something like that.
and i read your post.
what is wrong?
your mom says you r the big problem for her, every mother says the same thing. and you give empty promises, everybody is giving. and you scream at people and ur boyfirend, every girl doing the same thing, and it is DUTY of ur boyfriend to tolarate u (it is good for him so that he can become more stronger to survive in this society), and u r telling u have problem that u r repitative and say bunch of boring repetitive crap, so what? even budhha repeates the same thing three times if u read his books. only then there is LITTLE possibility that someone will ATLEAST try to understand.
BUT few things r really serious.
dont hurt yourself or others, do not make anybody cry (they r already crying)
breath deeply from the belly, whenever u remember. it helps to slow down the trafic of ur mind. and i think you r not cold hearted b*tch otherwise why ur firends and family luvs u.

**Posts:** 2 · by **twilson9999** » Thu Feb 17, 2005 5:06 pm

I'm going through a lot of anger myself lately and glad to see someone else out there trying to learn how to express there's.

You obviously arent a demon if you came to this website for expression and possibly help. What I found was the cause of my anger was underlying issues with my past. Our past and how people react to us can be a powerful message that tells us how to define ourselves. Even when it hurts us, we become comfortable with our definition.

I was defined by my family as being lazy, not focused, shallow, a liar, deceitful, a push over, stupid and non existent to name a few. And this is how I defined myself or was fighting with while trying to define myself most my life. Then I had a near death experience that forced me to look at life differently. I had a lot of time to recuperate and through that time took the chance to get to know myself better. I had to for recovery purposes but along the way started to cure how I define myself.

I discovered that much of the descriptions that family labels on you is more based on a reflection of themselves. They see in you or try to see in you things they don't like about themselves. It's easier for them to tell you what they don't like about you than it is to deal with it themselves or point the finger at themselves. That's how it is for most all of us. It's hard to look within and see someone that we don't like.

So I think the first step is to get to know yourself better. Create your own definition of yourself. You really should become your best friend, because no one is going to know the real you except you and God. Get to know your past and what underlying issues are causing your anger. Anger is our natural response when things don't go our way, when someone describes us in a way that is untrue, when we don't feel good about ourselves, when we feel wronged in someway to name a few.

So I hope this helps. I'm still on the road to working through my issues. What helped me was Dr. Phil's "Self Matters", Susan Forward's "Toxic Parents: How to overcome their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life", and the Catholic RCIA. These books helped me on the road to get to know myself and define my past from my own view point instead of how others want me to view myself. And the RCIA helped me to forgive myself and learn how to like myself for who I am. You will be amazed to learn how similar we humans are over the 4000 years of our existence. Learning our similarities we can also learn how unique each of us are.

You are unique and for more ways than being a holy terror. Reality is perception and you define that perception, no one else can.

**Posts:** 37 · by **free** » Sat Feb 19, 2005 6:57 am

i used to be like you.

i thought i was a demon too! when i was a child i tried to kill my best friend. i used to torture animals too.

i hurt myself, destroyed stuff, physically attacked people (as an adult!). i knew it was out of control (it took that long for me to realize it!) when i started plotting how to kill people.

well, just so you know you're not beyond love and mercy, people now describe me as "nice, caring, cool...a good person"! cool thing is, it's true.

you need to figure out where this started.

**Posts:** 4 · by **HolyTerror** » Sun May 01, 2005 6:58 pm

First of all, I know it's been months since I've written this and I apologize that I haven't replied before. I really appreciate everyone's replies. It's nice to know I'm not alone and not everyone thinks I am a demon, though I still feel like one at times. I'd like to reply to everyone individually- kfedouloff: "You sound like quite some woman!" lol Thanks. I definetly do have insecurity issues as you suggested and actually a panic attack course could be very beneficial if it really did it's intended job. I know you said you meant it could help me control my anger, but the truth is I do have somewhat of an anxiety issue as well and have had panic attacks. Not ones were I thought I was having an actual heart attack, but panic attacks nontheless, just on a smaller, but still disturbing scale- and multiple times. My mother has had them before and she has actually thought she was dieing. Anxiety runs in the family. Now to, shandawilliams- I just wanted to thank you for letting me know you can relate to me because that really does make me feel better. People are constantly telling me that I need to change myself because I am hurting them and myself, but I have yet to change and I'm not sure if it's lack of ability or lack of caring that keeps me this way. *sighs* To san- I appreciate your advice and I understand what you are saying, but writing something new in the space is hard sometimes. Also, I know a lot of parents might say their daughters are their biggest problem, but honestly people basically tell me I am the devil. Also, as for screaming at everyone and my boyfriend.....and it making him strong....well actually he already has a hard enough life and has been through a lot of crap.....and he needs me to support him and not make things worse. I should be his strength and comfort and not making bad situations worse than they are and also I should be helping him enjoy the times when there actually isn't something else to plague him. He is already a very strong person or he could not stand to be with me. Also, my boyfriend has a condition in which some of his hormones aren't regulated porperly, including his stress hormones, so how he handles me as well as he does I don't know. I am often mean to people even when everything else is already hell for them and I am supposed to be their friend. I feel ashamed, but I do do this....and yes, I do make people cry. Thanks for saying you don't think I'm a cold hearted b**ch.

To twilson9999- Again thanks for assuring me I'm not a hell spawn.

Also thanks for saying you could relate to me. I relate to you on not only the anger, but on some other things as well. I also think of myself as lazy, unfocused, stupid, a liar (well to some extent, but not a compulsive liar), decietful at times (but aren't we all?), and I guess sometimes shallow. Mostly the lazy, unfocused, and stupid, combined with being angry, is where I can relate to your view of yourself. I see myself this way and while I don't feel non existant, sometimes I think it'd be better if I was. I really don't think I can blame my parents for this one. I think it's true. Although, it does hurt when people that I love, that I know love me, say these things to me. It does help pound it into me, but I feel like I deserve it. I am glad you have overcome a lot of your problems. A near death experience would certainly be a powerful life changing event, I can imagine. I know I need to create a new me, or rather find the good in myself and try to heal this anger, but sometimes I wonder if I can. I am not sure where it comes from, but I suppose I can look into it deeper. To free: Wow, someone else who has thought of themselves as a demon! Thanks for assuring me I am not the only one with an anger problem and that there is hope and for telling me I am not unloveable. It is really good that you realized your problem and remedied it. I want to congratulate you on your transformation. I know it must have been difficult, but I'm sure it was worth it. You say I need to figure out where this started and as I said with the last poster, I am going to look more into this and see if I can't figure something out. I am already introspective, but perhaps if I think on it a little longer and really ask myself why I am so angry, an idea or two will surface. I'll let you all know. Thanks again to everyone!

**Posts:** 93 · by **timetogetunstuck** » Sun May 01, 2005 7:06 pm

Hi holyterror
in the time it's taken you to write those two long posts, you could have told your life story to some kind of trained counsellor and got more than just one or two ideas popping up. Have you thought about doing that?

**Posts:** 1836 · by **Annabell** » Wed Jun 01, 2005 7:12 am

Holy Terror

So how's the kid who you are seeing in yourself? What tells her that she needs to be petted like you say?

When I look at the kid I was, I see someone so so sad and lonely it fills me with sadness and I go and hold her and speak to her like to a friend and make her feel better that way. Sounds absolutely crazy but slowly she is getting that smile back on her face. I can react like a child to certain situations and it helps me to tell that child (not the adult me) that everything is OK and that I am there to look after her and that I will not leave her.

You may be interested to read a story about transactional analysis. It is just someone's personal view, not the whole truth about TA but it explains some of the main ideas about TA. It may help you to understand why in certain situations you react in a certain way.

Here's the link:

http://www.beingwell-directory.co.uk/articles/13.htm

I think that the links Kathleen gave you are worth looking up as well.

Cold Hearted B*tch

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