Disfonctional Family IN NEED OF MAJOR ADVICE HERE

QueenBeauty? wrote: What do you think about my dad? How dysfunctional is this? I get huge crap for something I tried to surprise him with nicely. Yes I took the photo, it was wrong five years ago, but geez all he had to do at worst is to tell me to not take what doesn't belong to me, not to yell at me and get aggressive!

I think this is just yet another example of the same circle of negativity you keep reinforcing. A few threads ago it was not attending a wedding to prove a point, now not attending a funeral to prove a point.

You are picking this incident to show your dad at fault as the bad guy. Okay, maybe he is the bad guy. After all he is your father, he raised you and therefore it is most likely him that started you down this reinforcing loop of negativity that has become QueenBeauty. But, you are an adult now. Who is now responsible for stopping the cycle of negativity QB? Is it your husbands job, your boss, your neighbor, your co-workers, the guys rude to you in the car, the police officers, the guys sitting at the table giggling, the people in this forum? Who QB, tell me who is the person responsible for stopping the constant negativity going on in your life?

It's me who has to stop taking everything personally and choosing to see negativity, I know that. If something doesn't work out I have to move on and not dwell with negative thoughts or feelings. I can all stop it by ignoring all what is negative around me and only focusing on the good around me. If I am walking by dark corners, it is up to me to walk toward a brighter corner full of positive souls.

QueenBeauty? wrote: It's me who has to stop taking everything personally and choosing to see negativity...

Exactly. And I am in no way suggesting it is your fault or that you are to blame. Trying to play the blame game does us no good and is counter productive. Who cares at this point in your life as an adult if it was your father, grandfather, mother, sister, cousin, school teachers, bullies, neighbors, co-workers or a combination of all of them? It does us no good to continue to focus that direction. All it does is wear us down and waste our energy. Instead we focus on ourselves, we choose to use our energy to break the cycle. We don't blame ourselves, we focus on ourselves.

Make your next thread a positive thread. Make your next thread about an incident where you made the choice to take something that in the past was negative and caught yourself, where you turned it around and focused on you and you focused on breaking the negativity. That would be a great start towards choosing something other than negativity.

We can't change the way that other people think, we can try and do nice things and they can get thrown in our face, and we can get up and dust ourselves down and go again, you did a nice thing, you are a good person, you don't have to let other people get you down, you deserve happiness just because you exist

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:

QueenBeauty? wrote: What do you think about my dad? How dysfunctional is this? I get huge crap for something I tried to surprise him with nicely. Yes I took the photo, it was wrong five years ago, but geez all he had to do at worst is to tell me to not take what doesn't belong to me, not to yell at me and get aggressive!

I think this is just yet another example of the same circle of negativity you keep reinforcing. A few threads ago it was not attending a wedding to prove a point, now not attending a funeral to prove a point.

You are picking this incident to show your dad at fault as the bad guy. Okay, maybe he is the bad guy. After all he is your father, he raised you and therefore it is most likely him that started you down this reinforcing loop of negativity that has become QueenBeauty. But, you are an adult now. Who is now responsible for stopping the cycle of negativity QB? Is it your husbands job, your boss, your neighbor, your co-workers, the guys rude to you in the car, the police officers, the guys sitting at the table giggling, the people in this forum? Who QB, tell me who is the person responsible for stopping the constant negativity going on in your life?

This has nothing to do with negativity. All that does is blame the person who is hurt. QB has a right to complain.

My father wanted me to accept him after he had been abusive towards me all throughout my childhood. He beat me just to get his anger out. I said to him "are you sorry for all you have done wrong? He said "what have I done wrong?" He was going to be a bastard to the end. Why should I both with a relationship. And the rest were just as bad. I ditched them all and have never looked back.

Family that is hateful is not worth a cracker. Relationship that bring grief and hurt are no good for you. And you can't be in a relationship and just be stone. My advice is just walk away from it.

kyrani99 wrote:This has nothing to do with negativity. All that does is blame the person who is hurt. QB has a right to complain.

Kyrani,

Read the other 20+ threads by QB. It does have to do with negativity. If it is not her father, then it is a coworker, guys in a car, guys sitting at a table, a relative, a friend, a neighbor, etc. etc. QB has a pattern of trying very hard to see things negatively. And just because she is seeing things in a negative manner, it doesn't mean she is to blame, I made that clear. I grant her father may have very well initiated QB and very much helped QB down this constant path of negativity. BUT, what is SHE going to do about it now as an adult? She can continue to reinforce the negativity by not attending a wedding, then a funeral, then this, then that to prove a point to others that she does not like their behavior, when the entire time it is just reinforcing the negative loop she is stuck in. When does it end Kryani and who is responsible for ending it?

Hi Richard,
I went over some of her posts and I still don't agree with you. She has obviously been hurt by others around her. What many people don't appreciate is that it is good people, people who are genuine that are the most common victims of toxic people. And much of the hurting is done by being ignored or treated unkindly in word or deed.

I do however agree with you that she needs to do something about it. She needs to realize that she doesn't have to respond to these people. She feels she needs to be good to them and to help them. She was obviously brought up shouldered with a lot of responsibility for her siblings. I can relate to that. I can also relate to the long term effects that it has. She needs to see past it. She doesn't need to feel responsible for anyone else anymore. Most of all she need to realize that she can't be good and help toxic people. Toxic people only want to hurt other people. They take advantage of any and every situation to try and hurt the other person. All of what you see as negativity is her hurt because of other people's bad behavior. She just needs to realize that they are not worth her time. And she need to appreciate that she is only responsible for herself and her family (ie herself, her husband to some extent and her children) and no one else.

kyrani99 wrote:I went over some of her posts and I still don't agree with you.

I do however agree with you that she needs to do something about it. She needs to realize that she doesn't have to respond to these people. She needs to see past it. She just needs to realize that they are not worth her time. And she need to appreciate that she is only responsible for herself and her family (ie herself, her husband to some extent and her children) and no one else.

Great.

Kyrani and Richard : There is good in both what you said. Yes I recognize now that I had a lot of temper problems and anger issues and negativity going on. But it's simply because I wasn't surrounded by the right people when something was wrong. My parents were often fighting and I had to stay strong as a 8years old for my little brother who was crying because my parents were fighting and telling each other words like murder, kill, punch, divorce etc. At a very young age they didn't help me seeing the world in a positive way. I recognize that I've seen things negatively in my life due to too much bad experiences because I wasn't born negative. I see the difference between my husband's relationship with his parents and mine and there is a reason why he is more positive and calm in life and a reason why I am more nervous and negative in life. That basic love that parents need to show to their kids for them to grow up and know how to handle situations wasn't present in my case. When a kid hit me on the leg when I was a child , I went to ask my mom what should I do in this situation and she told me : '' Hit the kid even harder until he's not capable to do harm anymore.''Of course I never did it, but I grew up with nervous parents. Yes often too my mom was caring and loving and goofing off with me, but since she's bipolar we never knew when she would be gentle and reasonable and when she would be aggressive and negative. I had bad experiences in my life with mean people, situations that my husband can handle very quickly. If someone is being negative or mean to my husband when he is absolutely nice and gentle, he clearly tells the person that he doesn't want some negative bs coming out of that person's mouth and he makes it clear without being mean or aggressive , that he is not interested in staying in touch with a negative person. And it ends there. I tend to continue thinking about these negative people and plot revenge.

Hi QueenBeauty,
could you write a bit about why you feel you need to plot revenge. There may be reasons why you feel you need to do this. If you write about it you might be able to explore them further and help us understand so we may give you advice based on our experiences.
Kyrani

I developed the need to plot revenge since about 8 years now. Before that I never got angry or defending myself verbally or physically. I got badly bullied by girls. I had to change 2 high schools because girls thought I was a know it all because I had the greatest marks of the class. They bullied me, started rumors about me and even stopped me from eating my lunch indoors. During winter I had to eat outside in the cold. I suffered mentally a lot. I was very sad and kept it inside. I told my parents about it and all they did were to change schools because teachers and school principal wouldn't help me. They thought I was anti social because I didn't smile often or have friends. But they didn't hear me out when I told them that the reason why I became anti social is because nobody was nice to me, as soon as teachers had their backs turn, some girls laughed at me and insulted me. I felt humiliated and sad. My grades went down and soon enough I was seen as worthless sh** because I was now the person with the lowest marks of the class. This bullying marked me for life. Afterwards, I grew up, learned to dress sexy and nice and many guys were attracted to me and girls started rumors that I was a whore because I attracted a lot of men. They started rumors and they didn't even know that I stayed a virgin until I got married.

So I had enough of keeping things inside and became like a shark : In the deep blue sea were the unknown and unexpecting can emerge any time, I am the one who hits from behind and you will not even know it's me. If you hurt me, I will be your great white shark. I know it sounds horrible, but I learned to feel pleasure hurting emotionally those who hurt me or are mean. However, I have a big heart to those who are nice and who are being bullied. I just became the one who build up a carapace that way. I relate to villains...like Maleficient movie by angelina jolie..she got her wings cut off....so did I. I cried myself to sleep during these years of bullying all alone. With parents who fight all the time and scream.My husband understands me, he got bullied too. I appear as cold facially, but I am so warm, caring and nice to innocent people who are suffering. I know what it feels like to be bullied and back stabbed by people. Often when I gave chances to people, they turn out hypocrite. So now I hang out with good people and when someone is negative I walk away or show that I don't need them near me. I don't cave in, I let them know. But I want a mature way to let them know they are bothering me.

Example of great white shark tactic : If someone hurts me emotionally I state a life truth they hate about them. three years ago a guy said to my husband.. : Hey dude, wanna come see stripper, some sexy girls'' He laughed out loud. My husband told him that he isn't interested at all, but the guy kept being stupid even though he knew that many times it made me feel uncomfortable him speaking this way. So I responded : ''Oh it's alright, my husband doesn't need to go,he has true love from me. However you can go...after all...paying is probably the only way you will get a girl in your entire life'' The guy then stopped smiling and looked very sad. I knew I got him.

Forgiveness sets us free, forgiveness says "I now choose to stop you having any power over my emotions" holding on to anger is like drinking down poison and expecting the other person to get sick

@QueenBeauty,
Now I can see a bit more why you are being negative. You are reacting after so long being hurt and as you say you are only reacting negatively to those that are nasty. It is understandable but you need to get past that. You don't need to have anything to do with these people. But you do need to be careful that they don't have some negative effect on you through relationship. Most of these people try to be nasty so they can later use it to make mental suggestions to plague you about it. That may be making you negative. '

Here is a link to one of my blogs that shows how the basic cheat is done. It is used to try and gain power over other. http://kyrani99book1.wordpress.com/
When you understand what they are trying to do you realize that the thoughts that may come later are only mental suggestions. They are just rubbish ideas. They have no reality. They are not your ideas. You can just discard them and laugh.

Try to concentrate on having good people around you. Bad people are not worth spending even a second with them. What ever they think, it does not define you. You are no what they think.

@Julius said "I now choose to stop you having any power over my emotions" It is good advice. I would have said it a bit differently as "I now choose to stop you having any power over me". Similar thing. It is only that issues cause emotions. No one has power over you or your emotions, they look to create issues to cause you to react emotionally. But once you see their game you can laugh. A big part of it is to see that whatever they say, it says nothing about you and who you are. It's just their opinion or hateful suggestions.

Also I don't see forgiveness as what Julius describes. I don't think that is forgiveness. I would not forgive anyone who is hateful or who is not worthy of forgiveness. They need to have a genuine change of heart and willing to make amends to be forgiven. but that doesn't mean you have to hold any grudges etc. It just means there is a cosmic debt that some time they will need to pay, that is all. You can use that debt to defend yourself so why throw it away.

I would also strongly agree with Julius that holding onto anger is very bad for you. See the issue of injustice that is causing the anger and realize it is just the toxic rubbish in toxic people's heads and nothing to do with you. Anger can be used against you so it is best to resolve the issue and get rid of it. Anger short only be transient. You can just sound off if you like.
kyrani

kyrani99 wrote: I would not forgive anyone who is hateful or who is not worthy of forgiveness.

Forgiveness has not to do with the other. It has to do with yourself. Forgiveness is letting go of the past. So long as you hold any feelings or you dwell on any thoughts of an unwanted act from the past in you, that part of you is not living in the present moment. Living in the present moment is "where it's at!" Forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to continue having them in your life, but to simply let them go.