Help:I didn't get to learn these in growing years

**Posts:** 246 · by **uniqueWoman** » Mon Jun 22, 2009 3:09 pm

Hi all,

I grew up in a dysfunctional family when it comes to communication and emotional maturity. Combined with my birth order - have a bunch of older siblings, some of them so immature and control freaks, I feel that despise doing much better than my counterparts - the other two youngest siblings, I still feel that I lack the maturity I am capable to have and should be having accordingly with my age.

I did consciously put effort to teach myself and so for the most part, I feel that I am okay. There is one particular area that I feel I lack maturity utterly: That is in romantic relationship with men. In all my associations with men, I just never felt like I had the emotional skills I should have at that age. In my 20s, it didn'tmatter because I was occupied with getting advanced education. In early 30s, I ended up with a much older man and so it worked out in a way. I was childish but it didn't cause problem because he was 11 years older. With never experiencing a serious long term relationship and staying out of emotinal roller coaster, I feel that I never developed relationship skills with the oppsoite sex.

Now, what I am concern about is behaving like when I was in the age range of 25-35, i.e. get attention from men and let them make all the moves and let them take leads in not so serious relatiosnship instead of a mature woman in her early 40s especially when it comes to dating and finding the right man. How do I fix and develope what I am lacking? And these days, I am particularly feeling a little resentful about my birth order because I feel that my older sisters in their control freal acts have caused me from feeling like a mature woman. I am being totally honest.

The other area I feel I am lacking is the softer skills of the female gender. I was listening to John's Gray on a youtube video yesterday where he was saying about women these days having to act like men in the work force and hence needing to nurtur the softer skills we lost along the way. He was talking in th context of married couple but I totally agree with him. In my case, I feel like I never developed those skills. I chose a hard core science major and the field, especially the industry, was dominated by men. Then, I got into a highly technical field and more interaction with men.

Don't get me wrong. I am not a Tomboy by any shred. I do not look anything but female; I don't act girly though.

Anyway, any tips/guide on making myself feel like a mature woman with confidence in handling issues in work environment to dating and in developing the softer skills of my female gender?

**Posts:** 659 · by **imheretohelp** » Mon Jun 22, 2009 9:21 pm

Hi,
I'm not convinced that you are coming at this from the right direction.
The trouble with the word "Dysfunctional" is that it isn't scientific enough to be really useful as a means to clearly seperate individuals. It's a grey word if you like. We all,in effect, come from a dysfunctional family, it is only a matter of degrees.

You come accross in your post as a self aware, insightful and out going person. I suspect that you are also caring and empathic? So how do you justify calling yourself dysfunctional? What are you comparing yourself against? And more importantly, why? John Gray has voiced an opinion that a lot of people, which includes myself, have been saying for a while; that the gender roles are changing and people are having to adapt inside and outside of the family unit, be it work or parenting. It doesn't mean that you are a "misfit" just because you are part of the new breed of modern women and that you have obviously adapted before other men and women that you come in contact with.

You are obviously successful at whatever you turn your very capable mind to and i feel that you should carry on in that way, until you meet a very lucky man and start to explore your other more feminine traits. These would have evolved in the same way that you are and no doubt will attract your male equal.

I would suggest that you focus more on viewing your percieved negatives as more positive in nature and start to realise that at 43 you are in effect all woman.

Kind regards

**Posts:** 246 · by **uniqueWoman** » Tue Jun 23, 2009 5:35 am

imheretohelp wrote:]Hi,
I'm not convinced that you are coming at this from the right direction.

Probably so.

imheretohelp wrote:The trouble with the word "Dysfunctional" is that it isn't scientific enough to be really useful as a means to clearly seperate individuals. It's a grey word if you like. We all,in effect, come from a dysfunctional family, it is only a matter of degrees.

imheretohelp wrote:You come accross in your post as a self aware, insightful and out going person.

Thansk you. That's a close friend - 16 years older than me and very much together emotionally - told me.

imheretohelp wrote:I suspect that you are also caring and empathic?

That, I agree wholehearted:)

imheretohelp wrote:So how do you justify calling yourself dysfunctional?

I wasn't calling myself dysfunctional, just stating the growing up environment. My family environment was very good when it came to education and being provided with material things. Love and caring were shown via things done for us but it's not like in other family who shows affection outwardly.

imheretohelp wrote:What are you comparing yourself against?

Based on the interaction of members of other families who also are originally from the same country.

imheretohelp wrote: And more importantly, why?

I guess that it's I feel that I didn't behave the way most people my age would do. But I look younger than my age and so I feel that people (not the ones who know me well) didnt treat me my age.

imheretohelp wrote:John Gray has voiced an opinion that a lot of people, which includes myself, have been saying for a while; that the gender roles are changing and people are having to adapt inside and outside of the family unit, be it work or parenting. It doesn't mean that you are a "misfit" just because you are part of the new breed of modern women and that you have obviously adapted before other men and women that you come in contact with.

Good point. I do need to realize and member that.

imheretohelp wrote:You are obviously successful at whatever you turn your very capable mind to and i feel that you should carry on in that way, until you meet a very lucky man and start to explore your other more feminine traits. These would have evolved in the same way that you are and no doubt will attract your male equal.

Thanks. That's what my friend said this morning. She does know about my interest in the guy that I feel very compatible wiith.

imheretohelp wrote:I would suggest that you focus more on viewing your percieved negatives as more positive in nature and start to realise that at 43 you are in effect all woman.

Kind regards

Thanks. I will. I will also remind myself that part of the reason self doubt comes back on and off is because of the way some older siblings's failure to treat us as adults though I have suceeded in not expecting mmuch less waiting around for it.

Help:I didn't get to learn these in growing years

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