I need an outside perspective

You ought not be married to this person.

I feel that way sometimes but it’s been difficult between still caring for and and wanting to be there for my son but at the same time being miserable for years to come doesn’t seem like it’s even possible for me. Somehow whenever we talk about any of this it gets turned around so I’m the bad guy and I end up confused and waiting for something to change.

It doesn't sound very healthy this relationship and I think she is manipulating you by dismissing your concerns by blaming you for not trusting her.. How can you given what she's done and said. Cheating is cheating and alcohol is no excuse. Also, she seems to have no problem with being attracted to other people more than you. I would suggest you instigate a separation and move out if you can. Firstly it may help your esteem by taking control of the problem rather than reacting to her behaviour. It will also make her see what the future may be for her if this does not work. As for your child? You can still be a great dad even without the mother.. I am and am much happier for it.. Can you see yourself still in this situation in another 12 months? Take control of your life and make a stand. Perhaps your passivity is why she acts like this... Because she has no respect for you?
Best wishes

Emotionally this might feel like a complex situation. But from a practical application, you need to step back and look at this with wiser eyes. I'm a big believer that when people have truly had enough, meaning they're lies to themselves no longer work, they get up and leave whatever situation they're in. You're in this because you emotionally choose to be there.

I fully understand the matter with your son, but this was at a breaking point LONG before your son came into the picture, so that's not the real answer. There's an old saying that we marry the people we think we deserve. There's allot of truth to that. When you have low self-esteem, you unfortunately gravitate towards people who give you the back seat in life. It's subconscious conditioning brought on by what you will tolerate because you don't think you've earned better, so you weather those moments rather than measure them at face value.

Looking at them for what they are means you're inserting your own self-worth and making a stand. But because you don't feel any great merit in yourself, you default to this old idea that you need to be more "understanding" to them and that "maybe they have a point" and maybe you don't see the benefit you have in staying with someone better than you. Your insecurities then do a quick compare shot of you by yourself versus weathering the indignities of your partner that , while bad, are " better" than living with your feelings of low self-esteem alone. Does that about cover it?

What you DO NOT see is you're already alone. My friend there are more lonely people who are married than those single and physically by themselves. For way too many people, marriage is a band-aid for their feelings of inadequacies. They would rather sit in insufferable conditions where they are ignored, demeaned, and otherwise neglected, all for what they view as the "face-saving" cover of marriage where they can lie to themselves and their friends about a storybook life that doesn't exist.

And it doesn't matter whether you live in an apartment or a $200 million home. It all registers the same. You're a prop in the company of other props with no life for yourself. And while we could cover each and every insult she has handed you in this relationship, I don't really see the merits in doing that, out side of asking yourself this one simple question: Can you ever fathom saying or doing those things to another person, let alone your spouse? Got to believe your only answer to that is a resounding "Never." So why are you taking it? There you go. You're simply supplementing her life until she works out a scenario where she can finally tell you she's leaving. So what are you going to do?

First you need to make up your mind your life is worth something to you and your son. If all she has to do is cry some BS story that easily pulls you back in so you don't have to weigh all of this, then you're basically saying you're not ready. So when do you become ready? When she comes to you instead an sets the terms? That's what she's been doing all along, so you're already on that ride. If the answer is yes, you're ready to move on then you need to start planning.

Do you have financial provisions to live on your own? If you don't then you need to start working on that. Is there a place you can move to that will provide you cover while you transition out of this? Is your current residence your home? Did you buy it before you were married? You need to start talking to an attorney and plan this out so that while your emotions are getting spanked, you have a plan in place that doesn't require you to build it as you're going through this.

And that's what it comes down to. Are you prepared to see things as they are? Are you strong enough to take that first step and move on? Can you make this decision and implement a plan before you address it? Can you stick to your guns and not look back once the wheels start rolling? That's where you are at.

If you can get through this, you need to take a breather on relationships and work on yourself. You have a son now and he needs to get the best of you while you work to see the best inside yourself. I wish you success.

Thank you everyone for your responses so far I’ve been in this so long I just really needed to have a way of confirming that I am not crazy. Even today when I brought some issues up to her I get angry remarks instead of an apology. I have the finances and a place to move to that’s close enough to my job while all this happens. This post was brought on by me evaluating why I can’t sleep, and to because this situation was eating me alive inside. I’m happy to have found this website. Thank you for the advice thus far.

Soltres, it's time to work on your self-esteem. When one partner in a marriage is treating the other with contempt, the rot has started. Her respect for you has gone.

You can shut her out emotionally while you build yourself up from the inside. Either this will make her realise what she's got, and she'll start approaching you in a conciliatory way, or you'll separate naturally. If you make feeling good about yourself your primary goal, you'll be able to handle it either way.