Self harm, imaginary friends, bullying, and numbness

On January 27th this year I was a year clean but I'm relapsing. I'm a 14 year old boy and I always tell myself that I'm not supposed to cry or show any signs of weakness and sh** like that and even though I know that's not true I can't help but tell myself that. I've always been hard on myself. I don't cry that often but when I do I get mad at myself about it and usually cut as a punishment. Sometimes I cut just because I hate myself or I just need to make myself feel something. I hate my body, I'm short and have a really small frame. I get bullied a lot at school and get called a f*ggot on the daily. And it's not even them making fun of me that gets me upset most of the time it's the fact that they're using homophobic slurs (I'm actually part of the LBGT community, I identify as bisexual and they can probably tell and that's why they tease me). I just feel so f***ing alone right now. I'm the same guy that posted about being in love with an imaginary friend and I think that just about sums it up. I do have friends who love me a lot, my best friends knows what I've been through and she understands because she used to self harm too (she still struggles with anxiety and mild depression but she's doing a lot better now), but it's really hard to feel that love when I leave school and go home and spend the rest of the day till I sleep doing homework then writing in my journal and staring at the ceiling and feeling nothing and desperately trying to tell myself I'm not heartless and I do have some feelings even if I don't want to. And through that, I spiral into a mental breakdown and then cut and feel nothing but physical pain and cry myself to sleep. Nearly every night this happens. It's weird- I don't like having feelings but I get so numb and tired of feeling numb that I cut to feel something. But the thing is, I don't feel much in general and at night it all just falls on me and I feel like I'm being crushed. I suppress everything without even realizing it. I normally cut under my shirt and in places that would be hidden by an undershirt or boxers and I've never shown anyone my cuts or scars. I think ever since I fell in love with my imaginary friend and realized that it's just making me sad that she's not real I've been wanting to find someone I love who's real. I had a girlfriend once over the internet, but we broke up a couple weeks ago and only lasted about a month and a half. I've never had a boyfriend. That was the only relationship I'd ever been in and I got into it thinking that it would help me get over who I really loved.
I'm posting this because I want to know if there's anyone else who struggles with telling themselves that they're weak and shouldn't cry or who cuts to feel something or to punish themselves and if any of you know how to deal with this better. I don't want to cut again, but it's just so hard not too.