The anger got out of control

Sure I agree,
Experience that we have with something decide how we feel about it,
you cannot feel good about a dog who took a chunk out of you is really that simple
now this has nothing to do with positive-negative thinking is just a bad experience that you had before
now whenever you face the same dog you become anxious ...

Now how do I understand what does it mean " TO FACE THE TRIGGER "
To me that means: go back there and create new experience so you can change how you feel about the situation,
but this cannot be done if you are slamming doors at home
because where you coming from you are already are too much aggressive, too much obsessive
first you have to accomplish relaxation at home to get a taste what does it mean to be relaxed
than you understand that taste, and you want to accomplish the same with the triggers
on this way you are creating new experiences with the Triggers, a new taste
so you unleash the HURT or the FEAR

laureat wrote:Sure I agree,
Experience that we have with something decide how we feel about it,
you cannot feel good about a dog who took a chunk out of you is really that simple
now this has nothing to do with positive-negative thinking is just a bad experience that you had before
now whenever you face the same dog you become anxious ...

Now how do I understand what does it mean " TO FACE THE TRIGGER "
To me that means: go back there and create new experience so you can change how you feel about the situation,
but this cannot be done if you are slamming doors at home
because where you coming from you are already are too much aggressive, too much obsessive
first you have to accomplish relaxation at home to get a taste what does it mean to be relaxed
than you understand that taste, and you want to accomplish the same with the triggers
on this way you are creating new experiences with the Triggers, a new taste
so you unleash the HURT or the FEAR

Oh, I understand.

Now, I'm retired and I am staying at home, doing Mathematics 11 hours a day because I might want a 2nd career some day, but when I used to go to Work, well, I would meditate in the morning. and of course in the evenings I would unwind with about 3 hours of Music Practice and a few drinks. With Music Practice, I play several instruments, and sing about 4 voices, and I have a different Persona for each voice, each instrument. and after so many years, well, the Personas talk and kid and gibe among each other.... they make me laugh, and, well, laughter is the best relaxation of all.

Oh! there's a point. Studies have shown that Forced Smiles give people a positive attitude and forced laughter makes people 'happy'. This is a situation where you can only begin to Fake It, and then you aren't faking it any longer. So, anyway, if you can't THINK of anything to be happy about, and if you can't bring yourself to FEEL happy about anything, well, just pretend, like an Actor on the Stage -- Smile (the World Loves a Smile) and Laugh (Laughter was the first Music) and then, maybe, you will be readier to face those inevitable Triggers, but with a glint in your eye and some swagger in your hips. .

So a lot of things have happened in two days. First off I found my ring. It was hidden under some stuff in the corner of the room I woke up in after that night. I was clearing the room out for new furniture we had purchased back in December. That has lifted my spirits for sure. Everything at work is going good. We've had some snow so shorter work days and even got one off. So some extra time to relax has helped.

We had our session yesterday. It was very good. But mostly the counselor trying to get to know background and stuff of my wife. Basically what we talked about my first session. I didn't have to talk too much so it wasn't as stressful. But I did hear things that obviously make me upset with myself. About what I did. And everything I said. And that she can barely look at me. That one hits the hardest. Anyways it has helped Nd we've talked about some things and I think made some significant progress. Another round next week.

I've agreed to not drink for now. Which I really don't see as a problem. I just have to stay out of situations where that's really the only thing to do.

Finally, I've still been working on cutting out the cussing. It is so difficult. But I don't think I've cussed around my wife since. Keeping my thoughts clean has helped too. Maybe now I'll try smiling more. I've always been one to almost never smile. I definitely got that from my dad. I don't think I've seen any pictures from when I was growing up with him smiling.
Anyways, good to see all the great discussion.

Dan

87dan wrote:
....We had our session yesterday. It was very good.... But I did hear things that obviously make me upset with myself. About what I did. And everything I said. And that she can barely look at me. That one hits the hardest...

Dan

I really support going to Therapy. But I have serious doubts regarding “Couples” Therapy. Maybe there is a Statistic somewhere on the probability that Couples Therapy will just make everything worse.

For myself I simply do not understand how some of these Sessions can really make anything better.

Are you familiar with the notion of ‘Poisoning the Well’, that is, once the Well has been poisoned, well, it can’t be used again, and must be abandoned. One cannot apologize for a poisoned well. A Poisoned Well is a Relationship Deal Breaker. It is like the saying “you can’t un-ring the Bell”.

What does this have to do with Therapy Sessions? Well, with some Small School Psychologist at the Helm, that is, a Psychologist who is trying to keep up on his mortgage payments like everybody else, who knows that it was the Woman’s idea to seek couples therapy, well, we can expect him to gear the show for her, to pamper her and demonize yourself, and to encourages her to unloose her worst and most contemptuous feelings. Well, after all of that Wonderful Therapy, HOW is your Marriage supposed to survive? I simply do not know very many men who thrive on humiliation.

If a woman ever said within my earshot that she couldn’t bear to look at me – “Well, you don’t have to. I’ll be a gentleman and stay out of your way”, and I’d walk out. Could I stay with a woman who expressed such disgust for me? It would always be in my head… an unpleasant enough thought. Yes, I could decide to buckle down and apply myself to reforming myself in her eyes, to re-habilitate myself so that after years and years I could once again start regaining some of her long gone respect. But that would be an awful lot of work to please somebody whose opinion of me seems awfully low. Wouldn’t it be better to Start Over, but with somebody New. A New and Fresh Well. Yes, you can change, if you do need changing. Whatever was wrong with you, well, you can fix it. But why would you waste your efforts fixing yourself for somebody who ‘can’t stand to look at you’. Fix yourself for somebody who will look at you with loving eyes from the start.

Anyway, if you don’t want to take any drastic measures, well of course I understand. After all, it is very easy for me to Talk. But you should acquaint your Wife with the Concept of the Poisoned Well and the Bell that can’t be Un-rung and that there are some things she could say that you simply would not tolerate, and that there is indeed a Line she could cross which would necessitate you packing your bags and leaving. And you might also acquaint your Therapist with the fact that you will discontinue his services if you find them doing more harm than good. It might have been Her idea to Start, but he must deal with the fact that it will likely be your idea to Finish.

Oh, with your Turn coming up. Remember not to take the Bait. She went negative and nasty, but that was her. You are a Gentleman. You will remember that it is your Wife you are talking about. If you are cornered and forced to complain about her, well, do so in a very respectful and understated manner. Remember, she has a Well that can be Poisoned too.

And then there are moments in such Sessions where the Psychologist will encourage you or your wife to spout your deepest feelings for one another, and all the while the Therapist is sitting there like some Voyeur. “Maybe you would like us to have sex too. It is scarcely less personal than what you now seem to expect of us”, you could say to him.

Well, it does seem rather like I am not much in favor of Sessions, doesn’t it? But I am!... but just not Couples Sessions. Too much can go wrong. The Best Way of doing Therapy is one on one with a GOOD Psychologist, and the best Therapists probably aren’t the kind that pimp themselves out to angry housewives who want a venue for getting even with their husbands. Find a good Therapist who will treat you for the problem you are having. And your wife could schedule with him or somebody else to find out exactly what kind of issues and problems you will be confronting in order to re-order your life and to change it. It might make her more sympathetic and helpful. That would be so preferable to the Sessions now that seem to be encouraging her to be contemptuous of you.