i need to help

Hi Jonny. I'm in a similar situation, but I'm trying to handle things a little differently to you.

My husband has been depressed for at least a year now and I've just been as supportive as possible. By that I mean I've encouraged him to spend time doing new things socially and at work...of course, I now find that he is working too much and the people he has been hanging out with have a really unhealthy view of what is 'normal' when it comes to relationships.

I know that he wants to be 'completely alone'. He says he needs to work out what he wants. He also claims that his leaving will spare me pain and hurt in the long run (he also thought suicide would achieve the same thing). He's telling me to move on and go out with other people - so are my friends.

But I can't let him leave without being 100% sure that he will be okay. I worry for his safety and sanity left on his own. I've told him that I will be happy to part, if that's what is best, once we've spoken to a professional councellor. Then I can be sure that I didn't give up on him too quickly, and that we'll both come out of it having learned something about each other and (more importantly) about ourselves. So, he's staying in the spare room and we're waiting at least three weeks for an appointment.

If I let him just go, and continue to live in this suspended state of emotional limbo until he works out what he wants, then I may quite well go insane. It seems impractical too.

I know I'm equally confused as you, but at least you know others are going thru the same thing... I can recommend a book which Relate publish called 'Staying Together - from crisis to deeper commitment' by Susan Quilliam. As I read it I kept shouting 'Yes! Exactly - thank you!' because it confirmed so much of what I was feeling. But it's also overwhelmingly positive and uplifting. It's got exercises and quizes which you can do alone or together depending on how your communication is faring.

Hope this has helped in some way. I'll be keeping an eye on this strand to see if anyone else can help. Take care.

Luv Donna.

thanks donna, i told her how i feel and now i'm going to let her have the room she needs. that room is what made me realise how i had been so blind to what she was feeling. i know that she will be fine on her own. i'm just going to get on with it. i'm trying to get to grips with the possibility that she may feel much better on her own and prefer it that way. however, i hope that she wants me as much as i want her and we come out of this stronger.
thanks again.

Hi Jonny and Donna! F irstly I'd like to say good for you both for wanting to hang about and help your partners. I"ve had depression for about 16 months and over the last three I seem to have made a big improvement. I think my depression has dragged on because of two things. Firstly, I think the Cognitive therapist I had chosen, hadnt dealt with depression before and let me sit and wallow in my own misery every week I saw him. I learnt a little from him but nothing compared to getting on the net and looking for info on depression and getting hope that it was possible to recover.When I gave up my sessions in November,I noticed quite an improvement in my mood over Xmas and into January.I really think not feeling so sorry for myself and not worrying so much about my relationship and how my partner was dealing with it helped me move on a bit. The second thing I think kept me depressed, was that my partner didn't deal with it very well and I worried so much that I'd lose him because I was so miserable, that I just went in circles, worrying, not sleeping, trying to be falsely happy when I was about him, then getting down because I had depression and it was ruining my relationship. I told my partner in july that I was really struggling with things and that I thought it might be a good idea if I moved out for a month or two. This way I wouldn't get so frustrated about my depression and I could concentrate on getting better without worrying about how it would affect him. He told me if I moved out, he didn't think we'd get back together and talked me into staying. I relaxed a good bit after that because it confirmed to me, that he loved me so much and he would stick by me. I think that by believing things would work out OK and that when I got better, we would move on and talk about marriage and kids, gave me a big incentive to think positively and go to the gym regularly and put on my make up and I really did and still am, making slow but definite progress. My point to you both is that, when my depression was really bad, I used to want to leave all the time but I didn't really know why, however,I read somewhere that you shouldn't make any 'big' decisions when deep with depression. I still don't know why I wanted to run away so many times, perhaps because I was scared that he'd hurt me again ( he left me 3 Xmas's in a row cause he 'couldn't handle it'. To explain quickly.. he left his wife and son almost 4 years ago but has been racked with guilt for leaving his son without a father. His mum took her own life when he was 13 so may have something to do with it). Back to the point...I really don't think people with deep depression can think sensibly or logically about things, and sometimes they may not know how to deal with it and panic, so maybe they are running away from it?? This is the only way I can explain what I think I was doing. If you want to ask anything I can certainly tell you what I think, but with my last years track record, I must remind you that this is coming from someone who is still not 100% recovered from my "madness' Just for the record, I told my partner the other night that I felt better enough to finally meet his son and to talk about the possibility of us having kids. How's this for a kick in the teeth... he said he didn't know if he could 'handle it' if I got depression again, especially if I got it post-natally and wasn't sure if we had a future together!! Oh well, at least I'm getting better by the day and I'm sure my life could well be a depression free zone if he's not in it. Otherwise I really think I'll go completely insane!! Jonny, I think you're marvellous for wanting to help your partner and try to understand what she is going through. I really hope things work out well for you. Apologies for rattling on though!!

Me again!! Sorry!! I don't know how to make spaces for paragraphs

Hi Nic, don't you go to a new line if you press ENTER?

i'm still getting used to the idea that we may just have to remain really good friends. it's awkward because we ARE best friends but i obviously want to be how we were too (before the depression). i fear this will be too much pressure on her and i might push her away. it's really difficult to contain my emotions. we are discussing living arrangements, i've been staying with a friend for the past week. my partner and i have a flat together but we aren't sure if we should give it up this month or next. neither of us could afford to keep it on ourselves. i do want to give her the space and independence she is looking for but i still worry about the seperation becoming permanent. i'm sure this is very common of people in my position.
hope i get some good news to post here the next time i'm on.