I don't really know where to start, as some background information, i suffer from generalised and health anxiety.
I'm 24 I've been dating my partner for 3-4 months now and everything was going amazing, we tell each other we love each other, we get on amazingly well, we seem to be the same person in the sense we have everything in common. We met on Tinder, he lives about an hours drive but he drives to me mid week for a night and we take in turns on the weekend (i get the train to his) everyone comments how happy we look together and we have such a laugh! I've recently been having a life crisis where I don't know where my life is going, i used to be engaged and had a house but that ended a year ago due to me being really sick with endo and ibs which i still suffer badly from now. I thought i was over my ex but sometimes I'm not so sure anymore.
I'm on my second warning at work for sickness and my home life with my parents is really stressful, I don't earn much as I can't work properly but my boyfriend is incredibly supportive of that and comes to my appointments with me.
I started to feel as if we were too good to be true, then my anxiety took over. He told me he wants to live with me and maybe propose in the future and it freaked me out!! Not that I don't want to but it got too serious too fast and then my brain started doubting the whole relationship. I know i love and care for him well i think i do, i can't concentrate on how i feel everytime i try to think about it. I've spoken to him how I'm unsure how i feel and he was incredibly supportive and we agreed to fight through this, I can't even cry about this as i feel completely numb but i keep having panic attacks, panic attacks at the thought of breaking up with him. I don't want to lose him but my mind is telling me to break up with him but I don't want to so why is it telling me to! It's completely warped how i feel about it and I can't even look at him the same way. I want this to work so bad, he's such an amazing guy. I want to go back to the way we were but I don't know how as I can't get this voice out of my head and it's driving me crazy. I don't know if it's because I'm so stressed about my life that my anxiety is attacking the one thing that made me happy and now it no longer makes me happy. I can't even look at him the same way anymore. I can't sleep I'm just constantly fighting the voice in my head telling me to break up with him, my heart sinks everytime. Is this relationship doomed!?
Also he's the first person I've ever been with that has facial hair, it sounds crazy but i was sexually assualted as a kid and the man had a beard, it used to freak me out and my exes shaved for me but my partner has a beard and i loved it at first it grew on me but the other day just before all this it smelt and the smell brought back memories and i think it's freaked me out. I don't know if it's this or my anxiety but all i see when i look at him now is his beard.
I don't want this to be over, can someone people help? I get moments where I don't think about it and we're so happy again but it's shortlived by the voice in my head. What do i do??