MIL recovering addict

unabletothinkclearly wrote: My husband told me if MIL had to go my cousin has to go too. Is this fair?

It is absolutely fair that if another person (a guest) is in your home, that you have the right that they leave, regardless of reason. The same holds true for your husband. Neither you nor your husband should be forced to live with a person in the house without your consent, even if it is a parent or family.

It is absolutely fair that you go to your husband and ask him to respect your wishes as his wife to no longer have his mother in your home.

And it is absolutely fair that he ask you to respect his wishes that your cousin no longer live in the home.

Whether your MIL or cousin is or is not productive or a polite guest is irrelevant.

The fact your husband disrespected your wish to not have the mother and had her stay in the home anyway says a lot about the health of your marriage. You need to focus on your relationship with your husband and once that is fixed you will be in a better position to address other issues.

Dear Unable to Think

Nowadays I think we have a problem with how the Institution of Marriage has evolved. Marriage is now an Equal Partnership, which is Wonderful in Theory, but in actual practice, unless there is Perfect Agreement about important decisions, that have to go one way or another, well, somebody will end up feeling unjustly screwed over.

Obviously you want to be the Boss of the Marriage. so you need to make your Ultimatum -- either your Husband agrees to abide by your Word in Everything for now on, or you will Leave.

Now, you may feel as though issuing such an Ultimatum may seem 'pushy' and confrontational. but look at what your Husband did. He was not confrontational at all. He simply just assumed control and took charge. He swept you aside. I wonder why you stay?

Do you NEED him? Could you Live on your own? You know, if you HAVE NO CHOICE, and if HE HOLDS ALL THE CARDS then you really need to get used to the fact that you are effectively a Dependent, and be grateful for whatever considerations your husband shows you. The years where your Husband pretended to let you think you were Coadjutor of the House and Properties, well, you can think of them as the bygone Good Ol Days. Cherish those Memories. Now your life has become something of a Return to Childhood. Your Husband and His Mother are now the Parents, and you must feel lucky to 'have your own room'. Do they let you stay up and watch TV?

But if you have your own Career and Credit Line, then why are you still there?

Now, if you ARE Dependent BUT if you are NOT ready to concede a Full and Humiliating Surrender, well, you can Hunker Down, gather your forces, and start to secretly maneuver. Start squirrelling away money. Pilfer money from Grocery Shopping and all the other bills -- whenever you purchase something with a debit card or check, ask for some Cash Money back on top. Unless your Husband carefully audits you, he will never know the difference (that is what my Ex-Wife did to me, and it worked fine... for her). If you do not already work, get a job. If the kind of job you can get doesn't provide an Independent Livable Salary, then you might have to take a couple of years to go back to School and Train for a Career. It might take awhile, BUT you can eventually Leave your Husband. He can be Boss of himself, but The Day Will Come when he will discover that he can't be the Boss of You too.