I can't trust anyone

**Posts:** 3 · by **YoungWeirdo** » Sun Oct 08, 2017 7:29 pm

Hey, I am a 19 years old male studying human sciences. I am kind of popular and my friends seem to enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs, but here's my problem: even though we all like each other and have fun together, I can't let any of them or anyone (even family) close to me for I lack the trust in them to do so. It's a bit of a mix between not trusting them to keep a secret, not trusting them to understand what I mean and not trusting their ability to help me (lack of purpose). This problematic leads to a feeling of absolute loneliness, I grew up like this and it was fine but now the weight of life is getting heavier and I wish I could have healthier friendships. My parents are dumb (I don't mean that in a teenager crisis way, they're just not smart: my father is an ex-biker and my mother had my elder brother at 17 and myself at 21) so talking to them is kinda hard and I didn't know who to turn to, which is why I am posting this.

As I said, I grew up like this and have thought about suicide since high school because, since I am so lonely and detached from any form of group, I just don't see the point in living. I don't think I will ever do it since I have a lot of ambition and life is not that painful (I am not suicidal, I just think it's an option).

Come to think of it, it might even be a form of narcissism, I like to believe I am smarter/more rational than average and that may be the cause of why I don't trust people. Even though I think that, I know that I might be the dumbest person on earth when it comes to emotions, sentiments and relationships.

Sorry for the rant, the bad text structure, the possible bad english (I'm french canadian) and thanks to anyone who read through it.

-Kev

TL;DR: I can't let people get close to me because I can't trust them and that makes me feel lonely.

Please ask if you need any clarifications or explanation, this is kind of a big issue for me and I'd be glad to help you help me!

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Sun Oct 08, 2017 8:35 pm

YoungWeirdo wrote:Come to think of it, it might even be a form of narcissism, I like to believe I am smarter/more rational than average and that may be the cause of why I don't trust people.

It sounds like you might be more untrusting of yourself than others. You can maintain a narcissist perspective by keeping others distant. If you let them close, you fear that others will actually be smarter than you and that can be hard for someone that believes themselves superior to accept, hence keeping others distant. Worse, others might actually realize you are not very capable.

The "weight of life" is a good indication of this fear. You are now coming of an age where it is more difficult to hide the truth from yourself. Are you, or are you not actually smarter? As a young adult, you believe that you will be expected to prove yourself, to demonstrate that you actually are smarter. What if you can't? What if you are actually pretty incapable? Then you can hide behind believing you are intellectual, just not social. That is a rationalization, an excuse many people use to maintain the fantasy that they are smarter, just not socially adept.

Thing is, believing you are smarter, more rational than the average person is a form of red herring. I say a form, because while it serves a purpose it is not a great comparison. The red herring is believing that comparing yourself, including comparing your intelligence to others is some sort of significant marker in life. It distracts from other things in life that are actually important.

Given you are studying human sciences, delve into epistemology and learn about how absolutely insignificant using "intelligence" as a marker of value in life really is. You will discover that while your dumb dad and not so smart mom may not have the same IQ, that doesn't make their life any less rational or to be of lesser value. You look down on them as not having your ambition, while at the same time currently hiding your ambition behind the fear of discovering for yourself that you are not quite as capable as you believe.

**Posts:** 3 · by **YoungWeirdo** » Sun Oct 08, 2017 10:09 pm

You can maintain a narcissist perspective by keeping others distant. If you let them close, you fear that others will actually be smarter than you and that can be hard for someone that believes themselves superior to accept, hence keeping others distant.

I might not have been clear one that: I can debate, talk to people, I just can't talk about myself. I acknowledge that people are smarter than me but still think it is reasonable to say that I am smarter than average.

The "weight of life" is a good indication of this fear.

You may be right, when I refer to the "weight of life", I mean the increasing amount of responsibilities and obstacles I am facing. These obstacles make me realize that I am not what I thought I was (I actually used to think no one else was smart, that I was part of an elite. Yeah, I was (and still am) a kid.) and that the idea that I made of myself was flawed and delusional. That's scary, but I don't think it is what keeps me from letting people in.

The red herring is believing that comparing yourself, including comparing your intelligence to others is some sort of significant marker in life.

Isn't it? We may have different definitions of "being smart", whether it's caused by a bad translation (I'm french speaking) or simply an unclear popular definition of the word. When I say smart, I mean the capacity to use rational thinking in your everyday life. Does it not matter if you are incapable of making a decision by using logic instead of instincts and emotions?

Anyways, we're drifting away from the subject. While I think you may have misunderstood, I could be accused of the same offense.

And to clarify, I respect my parents and love them, but that isn't the point: I find it hard to talk to them because they will answer to a complex problem with a generic sermon they saw on TV instead of trying to think for themselves.

Thanks for taking the time and the constructive answer.

-Kev

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Sun Oct 08, 2017 11:32 pm

YoungWeirdo wrote: Does it not matter if you are incapable of making a decision by using logic instead of instincts and emotions?

Do you know of any person that is incapable of making a decision using logic, using the prefrontal cortex?

How many decisions a day do you believe that you make that don't involve emotion, that don't involve the influence of the amygdala?

Do you believe your initial post is rational or emotional?

**Posts:** 3 · by **YoungWeirdo** » Mon Oct 09, 2017 12:59 am

Really? Is that how "MVP's" act on this forum? Can you not take parts of what I'm saying that are not related to the reason I posted and make a case out of them? Can you go express your inferiority complex somewhere else? I'm trying to ask for help and you come here to "put the narcissist teen prick in his place" (your first post was understandable, though)....

I won't spend anymore time than this answering nonconstructive messages like this.

I never claimed to be 100% rational, I claimed I was more rational than average.

-Kev

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Mon Oct 09, 2017 1:57 am

YoungWeirdo wrote:Really? Is that how "MVP's" act on this forum? Can you not take parts of what I'm saying that are not related to the reason I posted and make a case out of them? Can you go express your inferiority complex somewhere else? I'm trying to ask for help and you come here to "put the narcissist teen prick in his place" (your first post was understandable, though)....

I won't spend anymore time than this answering nonconstructive messages like this.

I never claimed to be 100% rational, I claimed I was more rational than average.

I'm not sure what part of my last post sent you into such an emotional state. You asked a question, whether or not it matters if a person is incapable of making a decision using logic...? AGAIN! You asked the question!

I responded by asking you several questions. Is it not okay to ask you questions in response to your question? It is not okay for me to clarify what you believe?

The direction I was headed in asking questions is to try and understand your thought process regarding rational vs. emotional. There really is no such dichotomy as a rational or an emotional decision. Almost all decisions any of us makes involves both the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala. Research demonstrates bad things happen when either of these elements are missing in a decision.

If quoting a question that you asked and then asking my own questions causes you to go on an emotional rant, then it doesn't take much to see your fear is not truly in not trusting others. That is your rationalization, your excuse. You are afraid more of yourself than others. You fear that people will reject you as not being as smart as you think you are, hence the automatic defensive posture you take. And this is an anonymous forum. I can imagine IRL your fear of rejection and hence defensive posture must be that much more difficult for you.

Anyway, good luck to you. If you feel by being asked questions you were being "put in your place" that is on you buddy. I can only suggest that you look deeper than the surface excuse of not trusting others. Look at the deeper issue, your underlying fear of rejection.

**Posts:** 7 · by **Andrewske2** » Mon Oct 09, 2017 4:21 am

I'm not sure what you mean by trust are you trying to confide in them a dark deep dark secret as far as friends go I kind of feel the same way I have close friends who I feel have spoken about me badly behind my back drama my closest friend in this world I know has told me white lies or what not it's just the way of the world no one's going to care about you more than yourself just have to get used to it just play the game enjoy their company and trust me you will find someone you can confide in who should care about you you just need to put yourself out there and if the reaction is ridiculous like I don't care then piss on them

**Posts:** 2970 · by **quietvoice** » Mon Oct 09, 2017 11:37 am

YoungWeirdo wrote:. . . I can't let any of them or anyone (even family) close to me for I lack the trust in them to do so.

I get where you are coming from. In my over three decades of adult time on this earth, I've found no one to whom I can tell my deepest thoughts (feelings) and "trust" that they can understand, even when I was married to my dear departed husband. I'm at odds with the way I see the world compared to the conforming majority.

What pops in my head is to take a look at the Three Principles of Mind, Consciousness and Thought; you can easily find this online. Then, you can say, "So what?!!" and live your life without that care. You don't have to be lonely when you've found yourself.

I can't trust anyone

#1

#2

#3

#4

#5

#6

#7

Main Menu

Relationship Resources

Recent posts

Active topics

Contact Us