Hey, I am a 19 years old male studying human sciences. I am kind of popular and my friends seem to enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs, but here's my problem: even though we all like each other and have fun together, I can't let any of them or anyone (even family) close to me for I lack the trust in them to do so. It's a bit of a mix between not trusting them to keep a secret, not trusting them to understand what I mean and not trusting their ability to help me (lack of purpose). This problematic leads to a feeling of absolute loneliness, I grew up like this and it was fine but now the weight of life is getting heavier and I wish I could have healthier friendships. My parents are dumb (I don't mean that in a teenager crisis way, they're just not smart: my father is an ex-biker and my mother had my elder brother at 17 and myself at 21) so talking to them is kinda hard and I didn't know who to turn to, which is why I am posting this.
As I said, I grew up like this and have thought about suicide since high school because, since I am so lonely and detached from any form of group, I just don't see the point in living. I don't think I will ever do it since I have a lot of ambition and life is not that painful (I am not suicidal, I just think it's an option).
Come to think of it, it might even be a form of narcissism, I like to believe I am smarter/more rational than average and that may be the cause of why I don't trust people. Even though I think that, I know that I might be the dumbest person on earth when it comes to emotions, sentiments and relationships.
Sorry for the rant, the bad text structure, the possible bad english (I'm french canadian) and thanks to anyone who read through it.
-Kev
TL;DR: I can't let people get close to me because I can't trust them and that makes me feel lonely.
Please ask if you need any clarifications or explanation, this is kind of a big issue for me and I'd be glad to help you help me!