Hi,
I have recently gone through a period of extended anxiety and physical symptoms doctors believe may be due to PTSD relating to the loss of a family member.
In this period I have constantly catastrophised and thought of the worse case scenario. I was told to read The Body Keeps Score and when I read a particular section out of nowhere became triggered by experiences of sibling sexual experimentation.
I would have been at the very most 13, likely much younger (I truly cannot recall) but have vague memories of experimenting with a younger sibling (3 years almost exactly).
I have no idea if I have manifested these, just as I did when I read symptoms about conditions I may have (I was convinced I had MS and HIV despite no objective concerns).
The very vague memories involve experimentation of primarily kissing but nothing advanced, and only a handful of times. I’m now racked with overwhelming guilt that I could have caused harm despite never remembering anything before or since. I have grown into a 30+ year old with no social or sexual issues or unusual desires, and my sibling is similarly unaffected - high performing, plenty of friends, healthy sexual relationships as far as I’m aware. We’re not close but have no issues outside of our shared bereavement. We’ve never discussed anything remotely related and have spent loads of time together, including nights out with shared friends.
Given I really need to address the PTSD of my lost family member, I need to understand if this were true would it be something awful and unforgivable?
I can’t bring it up with my sibling as I’m not sure if it’s true, and I also don’t want to potentially derail a happy life and cause a family even further pain.
I’m on a waiting list for therapy to deal with both, but in the meantime would appreciate feedback or reassurance that I’m not a monster and can focus on bereavement.
Thanks so much