Evil step mom

**Posts:** 9 · by **Thegoodwitch** » Wed Oct 14, 2015 4:24 pm

Hello! I am 24 years old and I need advice on how to handle this situation. To give some background, my father has always been a cheater. He left my mother for another woman when I was 4, this new woman's name was lynn..she was so kind to me and loved me truly as her own. Lynn set a standard for what a good step mom should be, I felt respected and loved just like I was her own child. Me and lynn still communicate to this day and I want her to stay active in my life.
My father left lynn when I was 14 for a woman named kim. Kim was not warm or loving...everything but. I'm sure I was kind of annoying or bratty as well just like any 14 year old kid was. I just couldn't understand why she didn't feel the need to form a relationship with me. She would be kind when my father was around and talk and engage with me but the moment my father left she would ignore me even if I spoke to her! She would give me dirty looks for getting in the fridge, just anything to make me feel uncomfortable. She acted the same way towards my friends, I couldn't get them to come over and I didn't want to be there so I would just stay at my moms.
I tried to tell my father how she treated me for years! He acted like I was being dramatic and Kim was "weird"sometimes he would say. Even though I was the only one she was this way.
He didn't want to deal with the "drama".
I moved away wheb I was 19 and moved back home at 21 after a failed relationship. My dad said I could stay with him, he came to NY from Ohio and picked me up and took me back home. I was reluctant to stay with him but my mother didn't have an extra room. Kim continued to act the same way, all smiles when my father was around and the momen he left going back to her psychotic negative energy I hate you vibes she would send to me. I couldn't take it anymore.
I moved in with my mother and the only place for me to stay was the garage, I had no heating or air conditioning... it was not pleasant. I went into a deep depresion and just slept my life away for a couple years. I was so upset with my living conditions aND failed relationships and knowing my father was a couple miles down the road with a fully furnished room for me to live in just made me build up an immense amount of resentment towards her and him.
My father would call and make me feel guilty for not coming to visit, I would tell him why but he never took it seriously and just blamed me for never coming over. Kim is so good at putting on her poker face for my father and twisting the situation around to him to make me look like I was just dramatic.
I started to come out of my depression and cried to my mother about the loss of my relationship with my father, I had honestly accepted that it was over between us. It broke my heart.
I craved a new life and a new start, I packed up my car and took off to Colorado. Long story short I fell in love and I am so happy with my life here. I am 3 months pregbant and so thrilled to be having a child. My father was excited with the news but when he started talking about watching the baby and calling kim grandma my stomach felt sick.
This woman who has been so manipulative, and turned into someone else the momentire my father turns his back, surely she would do the same to my child...
I told my father how I feel and and very honestly about her behavior and how I don't trust her and I don't want my child around her. He stopped sending me money to help out and now when he calls he will bring up the situation and it just upsets both of us. He says he is the only one who has to deal with this and is hurt by it.
He asked me if I wanted kim to call and apologize for soemthing, I said if kim wants to call me that's her choice. Don't tell her to call me. He then said well what do you want her to apologize for?? I just laugh wheb frustration I feel like I'm going crazy. This woman has treated my like sh** for 10 years and once again my dad refuses to acknowledge it or put any responsibility on her.
A big reason I left and started a new life is because I had to get away from the negativity and I'll be dammed if it follows me here or put my child around it in anyways.
My child already has two grandma's my mother and lynn and a great grandma, I am not depriving them of that. It makes me said bc I know my father will choose kim and she is his wife I get it but if he woNT have a separate relationship with me without her we will not have any hope for a future relationship. It makes me sad to think about my child missing out on a grandpa but honestly I live half way across the country, visits home will be short anyways. I have built a new life and I just want the stress of this situation to go away.
I told my father he is welcome whenever but kim is not, this includes when I give birth and baby shower back home etc.... I don't want her involved. Point period blank. My boyfriend thinks I am being harsh to expect my father to have a separate relationship with me but in my eyes our relations hip is already so danged bc of her it honesty just feels like the end to me.

**Posts:** 2008 · by **WonderGurl** » Wed Oct 14, 2015 11:18 pm

Point being?

**Posts:** 9 · by **Thegoodwitch** » Wed Oct 14, 2015 11:49 pm

Based on what you've read am I being unreasonable or am I supposed to forgive her for my dad's sake?

**Posts:** 160 · by **timeout** » Thu Oct 15, 2015 1:05 am

Has Kim ever heard firsthand your side of the story? Have you ever heard Kim's side of the story firsthand? You are no longer the stroppy 14year old, you are an adult. And a happy, established adult at that. So, with an eye to a rapprochement, bring the issues up with Kim, confront her if you will, lay out the 'charges' that she is supposed to be guilty of, tell her what sh** that made you have to deal with, and see what she has to say about it in reponse. Give her that opportunity. Either you and her 1 to 1 or the three of you. No more BS, just straight talk. If she can't do that, is in denial (according to your own view), then at least it will be easier to insist to your dad that you (&child) only want a relationship with him.

**Posts:** 1554 · by **laureat** » Thu Oct 15, 2015 1:17 am

if you are uncomfortable with who she is I don't recommend you to go back and deal with her, with the expectation that she may become different because that may disappoint you

but a relationship is not about making someone else become DIFFERENT, it is about becoming comfortable with each-other, I think both of you can do that, is just that you should also have a plan B if it doesn't work

I would not surrender on someone too easy, I keep insisting to make my life work the way I want it, with a BELIEF that it is POSSIBLE
it is same like when you asking someone for a DATE, you cant approach HOPELESS, you have to believe it is possible, and you got to be insisting to get what you want,
but you also respect the fact, someone may not want to, and so you also need a PLAN B just in case

**Posts:** 9 · by **Thegoodwitch** » Thu Oct 15, 2015 1:41 am

I think a conversation needs to be had, I do feel she should be the one to make an effort. At the same time if I keep holding on to this negativity I should be the adult and tell her I need to have the conversation. Maybe then, if she is in denial I will be at peace and know that I tried atleast and be able to move on. If she admits and apologizes and I feel we can have a respectful deep and yes form a real genuine connection then I would be open to atleast some type of relationship. I would never leave her alone with my child that would take time. I will admit I am a stubborn and grudgful holding person so it's hard for me to go to her. The thought of doing that makes me just want to drop it lol. I don't think I can though with my dad calling me and bringing it up every other week. Thank you for the advice, I really appreciate an objective view. I have to think about this some more and decide what I want to do next. Do you think a phone call would be best? Or should I take the time to write a message explaining my feelings?

**Posts:** 1554 · by **laureat** » Thu Oct 15, 2015 2:31 pm

I thikn a phone call would be better,
Because on a phone call you can feel each-other better, and you can create new experience, a new story
There is no need to feel too much sorry, because both of you are responsible for a relationship not only you, not only her
So you dont have to take it all on oneself, better just do it without talking about it as much,

**Posts:** 9 · by **Thegoodwitch** » Thu Oct 15, 2015 5:27 pm

I can't do it. I think it's just so important for my dad to realize what I went through and the fact that I'm serious because he never validated my feelings. If that means cutting her out for 10 years and there for my dad as well because I know he will stand by his wife then so be it. She has damaged our relationship to the point that Im prepared to make this choice and cut my dad out. It's the only way for him to realize I'm serious and it's me as an adult saying I refuse to take part in this anymore. I'm allowing myself closure today or I'm going to atleast start letting go. The thought of reaching out to her is the feeling you get when you type a long message and then you delete it bc you know the person on the other end doesn't care. Thank you for the advice and taking the time to read about this. I've decided it's best for me to continue to move on with my new life and shut out the negativity.

**Posts:** 160 · by **timeout** » Thu Oct 15, 2015 10:17 pm

I think that would be a mistake (obviously this is just an opinion of someone who has a very limited knowledge of your situation though). And actually I think it is unfair, if these things have never really been openly discussed and SPECIFIC greviences detailed and explained. And it is your opportunity to tell Kim and your dad exactly how you have FELT in response to specific behaviours of their's.... and THEIR opportunity to actually respond in words to that and give you their detailed side of it too. So far, from what you have written there seems to have been very little verbal communication explaining (& discussing) specifics of what each party has been let down by or hurt by or put out by etc. This is an important matter to you and to your father: no I wouldnt do it in a phonecall or a letter... this is definitely a face to face thing, get it sorted, get it out on the open. I'd sit down with both of them, HAVE A PROPER DISCUSSION, real time. Just turning your back on it is really just a continuation of the non-communication that has happened all along; again you will be trying to communicate "how serious" it is to you but in a very uninformative, somewhat immature way. No I dont think your dad will see it as an adult thing to do, because it isnt an adult way to handle it. Yes refuse to play the silly game of BS pretence anymore.... but do it in a strong, adult way... sit down with them and cut through the BS, and let their responses be seen. You are strong enough to do it. Good luck with whatever you do.

**Posts:** 1554 · by **laureat** » Thu Oct 15, 2015 10:33 pm

I already said there can be possibilities to make this relationship work, and that I would keep insisting to get what I want if I was you
I also said we need to make sure about expectations that you have so you wont get disappointed, and you want to make sure about that PLAN B, just in case

now you telling that you are UNSURE what decision to make, if you should surrender on this relationship or not

I don't know about that, I cannot predict which one will be best for you, sometimes you got to make these kind of DECISIONS and surrender to someone you love to make your life better, but sometimes we maybe need to keep insisting to make a relationship work, but whatsoever you choosing sacrifice needs to be made,

my focus is to simply share the information that I have
and how I would approach one situation, so I don't need to interfere with your decisions, I just want to tell that, a new experience, a new story can change all the meaning of the situation, like if you simply have a good time, you change how you feel about someone, and next day you may be like what was I thinking? it is just the way that we change how we feel , but also you should trust yourself that you can do good even if you decide to surrender on this woman and your father, you are good enough and you should trust oneself

**Posts:** 9 · by **Thegoodwitch** » Fri Oct 16, 2015 3:15 pm

Kim knows exactly what she did, the severity of it, and exactly why I am upset. She knows if she admits to this my dad would be very upset. She would never admit to it. She plays off to my dad like she has no idea what's going on and no idea why I am mad. It is so blaintanly obvious though! I know she knows. The last thing I will do is make the effort to mend something that can never be mended. She would give me some half donkey apology like " if I have ever done anything to upset you I am sorry" my dad would be pleased with it and then I would be deamed the dramatic unforgiving one. I refuse to even create such a situation. I have thought a lot about this, I can see how it can come off as immature but if you were in my shoes and treated how I was behind closed doors the last thing you would want Is some bs apology. I just know them both so well that is how it would play out. The sad part is I have been so affected by this and cried so many times at the loss of my father and Kim just carries on without a care or worry in her mind. I've decided her mental state is honestly rather psychotic. I think she has jealousy issues with me and my dad, I don't know what the hell her vendetta is but I don't care anymore. I'm done giving her any of my energy to drain. I'm ready to move on with my life. I feel this forum has helped me realize the things I am willing and not willing to do therefore making it able for me to move on. Thank you for that.

Evil step mom

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