I'm an emotionally abusive girlfriend

Hi Simona,

Of course you can change. You just have to know how to go about Changing. Coming here was a good choice. But you really need to Lose the sense of Hopelessness you are projecting. Get some confidence. Recent Developments in Psychological Therapy Techniques have proven to be quite effective, and have been around long enough to have percolated into all of the Better Self help Books.

But, First! Damage Control! You may have Already lost your boyfriend. In many cases if a guy is already Talking about Breaking Up… well, it’s only a matter of time until he finally Listens to Himself and agrees. Why stay with a woman who is doing Everything to make you Miserable?... and apparently is quite resolved to continue making you miserable. Yes, in many cases Guys hate to admit to themselves that they had made ANOTHER Mistake picking a Girlfriend – another ‘Crazy Chick’. It is kind of a Denial Period. But they broke up with their Last Girlfriend, didn’t they? They will break up with You too. UNLESS, you apologize profusely – he was Right and you were All Wrong about Everything, and you Swear you will change. If you can’t Trust Yourself to actually Behave Yourself around him, then ask for some Time… a couple Months to get yourself together and learn how to Act Right.

Yes, it is a lot like Acting. No one, that is no Adult should just go through life impulsively, like some big child, doing whatever you feel like – insulting people, and being needlessly judgmental. You can apply yourself to Learning to Evaluate your Social or At Work Situations, and to think carefully before Doing or Saying Anything. It’s a simple task of always Thinking before you Say or Do anything. It is Not Difficult, but it Does Take practice. And you need to get Your Head on Straight so you Know your Own Best Interest about things. Right now you are picking fights over virtually Nothing. You need to get into the Mentality of Thinking that Almost Nothing is Worth Fighting About. In Most Every Case, it is Better to Just Let Things Go. making Scenes almost always makes things Worse, and make you feel worse. Silence is Golden. No One ever Regrets what they Don’t Say.

And you need to start reading anger management books. Go On Line and read the Reviews of all the Anger Management Books and get the ones that appeal to you. And read a Large Chunk every day.

If you do all of this, someday you will thank me. Yes, you may have already lost This Boyfriend. But there is the Next One to consider…

sometimes the more you strive to grasp a thing tightly, the more you lose a thing.

you are trying to hold onto your boyfriend so tightly because you fear to lose him. you fear you're not good enough.

here is suggested ways to face the fear from the following web page:

http://www.briantracy.com/blog/personal-success/powerful-techniques-to-overcoming-fear-and-stop-worrying/

Step one is to define the problem or situation you are worrying about clearly in writing. The best way to do this is to take a pad of paper and draw a line from top to bottom right down the middle. On the left side of the pad of paper, write a clear description of your problem, the answer to the question, “What exactly am I worrying about?”

Fully 50 percent of all problems can be solved at this definition stage. In medicine, they say that “Accurate diagnosis is half the cure.” Many of our worries exist because we have not taken the time to sit down and really define clearly what it is that is bothering us.

Step two is to write out the worst possible outcome of the worry situation. On the right hand side of the page, answer the question, “What is the worst possible thing that can happen as a result of this problem?” You may lose your money, lose your relationship, lose your job, your investment, your health, or your prestige. Whatever it is, write it down.

Steps one and two will quickly start relieving stress that cause worry. What we have found is that it is resistance to facing the worst possible outcome that causes most of the anxiety and stress associated with worry. Once you have written down the worst possible thing that can happen, you will find that you will slowly stop worrying.

Step three is to resolve to accept the worst possible outcome, should it occur. Just say to yourself, “Well, if it happens this way, I’ll learn to live with it.” Once you have resolved to accept the worst, should it occur, you no longer have anything to worry about. All the stress caused by denial, by refusing to face what the worst could be, suddenly disappears.

Step four is to begin immediately to improve upon the worst. Having resolved to accept the worst, should it occur, now think of everything that you could possible do to make sure that the very worst does not occur. Once you stop worrying and have resolved to accept the worst, your mind will be calm and clear and capable of creative thought. By overcoming fear you are now in a position to do something constructive.

Hi Bert,
Wow, a Scheme for Strategic Household Problem Solving and Risk Analysis. Sounds good and I may use some such methodology for dealing with some of my own problems, though at my advanced Age one can hardly not be a bit grim when it comes to Worst Case Scenarios, such as living with chronic pain or debilitation, threats of Homelessness, Starvation and Exposure. But I suppose that only happens in America nowadays.

Anyway, it would seem to me that the Prime Mover of your Problem Solving Scheme is an Empowered Intellect, that is, a Clear Mind with no Subverting Emotional Baggage getting the upper hand. But this is an Anger Management Page, and the vast majority of people who write in for advice complain of being swept away by their Emotions – of virtually being Out of Control. Just in the last few weeks every new poster complained of virtually the same thing using almost the exact same words – they all hate themselves for it, but they can’t stop themselves from doing it – behaving emotionally crazy. Their Emotion Driven Behavior is entirely Autonomous, or so it seems to them. It may very well be that they never before in their lives had to intervene with an emotional reaction and to attempt some control or mitigation of an Emotions intensity or direction. Teachers talk of it all the time – of children and teenagers with Zero Impulse Control – little walking talking Wild Animals.

But, the Good Thing is that the people who write in to Us are aware that they Do Indeed HAVE Intellects. They can Think and Reflect, and makes Value Judgments, often to the detriment of their Emotional Dictatorships which they very much deplore. BUT, it seems that their Intellect is a powerless voice in the wilderness, or to use a more modern and maybe for appropriate metaphor, their Intellect seems to be a lonely, isolated and powerless Spectator (like some people do not have Bodies when they Dream… they are only Points of Awareness, and they have no means of Controlling or even Influencing the Actions within their Dreams… it is all like they are ‘watching a movie’) … an Anonymous Fan sitting up in the Bleachers, far from the Action of the Game, unheard over the Uproar or simply ignored. Our Job here on This Page is probably to tell these people that the Intellect, once Empowered, could become the Most Important ‘Player’ in the Entire Game… that is, the Coach.

And the means of this Grand Take-over, well, it is for the Intellect to Take Charge a little bit at a time. That is why I insist that Anger Management people should quit swearing. Swearing nearly always comes up from the Emotions, and so it is perhaps the Best Place to start the Intellectual Veto Process over Things Emotional which Serve No Good Purpose. And for people who chronically Swear, well, once they have Conquered THAT (and it may take a good bit of Time), it will give them the confidence they need to Conquer the World. .. and to employ Household Problem Solving Methodologies such as you have suggested.

Quit acting this way. Stop hating yourself and hate your behavior. Of course, you can...you dont dislike your behavior enough.

You dislike the results. You dislike it disrupting your life. But not enough to knock it off...

No, there's nothing inherently wrong with you...apart from you maintaining this after acknowledgement.

If this is a long distance relationship...how are you to know he is really abiding by your demands.

How would you know he is not doing these acts, watching tv/movies. If he isnt and he is feeling the way he said from far away...i dont think your control is what's making him feel, emasculated and depressed and alone.

Him feeling that way is not due to the restrictions you're placing on him. To me, that makes no sense.

how can you be controlling him when you're having long distance relationship?

Weitzel wrote:how can you be controlling him when you're having long distance relationship?

some puppets have long strings...

good luck whatever happens.. i gave up on long distance relationships a long time ago..

Dear Mickey

Welcome to the Page.

It is good that you have given up on Long Distance Relationships... that is good Practice for giving up on ALL Relationships.

In my long and varied life I have been in a great many Relationships, and eventually I Wised Up to what typically happens in All of Them... even the Good Relationships. The 'Partner' cuts into your Life. The Partner wants to Change You. Your Partner has 'Needs' which you have to respond to, and That always takes Time and Effort, and Things that you wanted to Do for Yourself get put on Hold or cancelled out completely. Now, yes, if you are Lonely or Bored and Don't Know What to Do with Yourself, and YOU Need somebody to come in and Take Charge of your Life For you... to give You Purpose and Direction, then FINE... you are the type of Guy just MEANT to be in Relationships. But if You Know Who you Are, and Know what you Want, and have your own Plans for Doing it, Relationships are only a distraction... detours... obstructions. Relationships create Worries and Concerns that You Did not Have before you started the Relationship. Most Relationships even cost a great deal of money. "High Maintenance Girlfriends", they call it. If you Marry for Money, or you are a Guitar Player or a Tennis Pro or a Gym Instructor and so you have to 'live' on women, then Relationships have an actual purpose for you, and God Bless the good work that you do. But most guys are Real Fools for actually Wanting to get into Relationships. You know, People actually go on line and Pay Good Money so they can get into Relationships that will ultimately cause them a great deal of pain and difficulty -- upsetting what had been the Smooth Course of their Lives.

I wonder whether it was a coincidence, but I only began to seriously Doubt Relationships after I got a Cat... or the Little Cat 'Got Me'. A scraggly little kitten escaped from the house of a nearby Cat Lady and 'Yelled' at me to feed it as I was walking to my apartment. So I got it some food, and we became fast friends. I would leave a window open so it could jump in, and it would sit and watch TV with me. Maybe it was a Coincidence, that I gradually stopped going out to clubs or asking the Lady's at Work to go out with me, or maybe that little 4 pound Cat was Big Enough to fill up all of my Loneliness. Or maybe I was just getting Old and Wise enough where a Realistic Perspective began to assert itself.

the Lesson here is that if you are Happy Alone, then a Relationship will only rob you of that. ... Unless it is a Relationship with a swell little Dog or a Cat.

What's with the Caps on the Nouns Leo?

es ist nicht notwendig, in Englisch

mickey0212 wrote:What's with the Caps on the Nouns Leo?

es ist nicht notwendig, in Englisch

Excuse me, but are we here on the Anger Management Forum to correct one another's Grammar?

Some people would think it Rude to correct how other people speak. And did you know that Rudeness is one of the Most Common Triggere for Anger. Hmmmm, certainly you did not Come to the Anger Management Page ONLY for the purpose of seeing if you could Provoke People who have had a History of Anger in their Lives and who are trying their very level best to maintain control. Wouldn't that be considered kind of pointedly hostile, sadistic and cruel?

Have you considered just letting him do what he likes?

JuliusFawcett wrote:Have you considered just letting him do what he likes?

Hi Julius,

Interesting Question.

"Live and Let Live" advise is perhaps the Greatest Wisdom when the actions of the Person one is Judging effects only His or Her Self -- since as it doesn't Effect Anybody Else, then Why should Anybody Else Care, especially One's Self? But one may consider intervening whenever one person's actions are predictably likely to have a negative impact on the Greater Society. Of course, Things Like That are always a Judgment Call, and one may either be Right or Wrong about the 'Predicted Negativity'.

Now, in Purely Social Settings it is inadvisable, or even Rude, to correct others... with the Proviso that Nobody should ever Talk Politics or Religion when Socializing. But in Intellectual Settings, and a Forum would definitely Qualify as an "intellectual Setting" -- its not a Facebook Page -- then it should be Quite Permissible to share One's Own Opinion, even if it is diametrically Opposed to the Other Guy's. After all, You and I have disagreed on perhaps A Hundred Occasions and neither one of us has ever complained of the Opposition, as we Recognized it as a 'Discussion' -- that while We could not count upon Changing the Other Person's Mind, we could likely Suppose that the Point would not be Lost that "Not Everybody would Agree with their Viewpoint", and that Opinions on that Issue certainly vary within the Greater Society. And sometimes it is important to Know that what one Thinks, from Ordinary Instinct and Without the Influence of any Education, may Not Be the Universally Accepted Wisdom on that Point, and how will a Person Know Such a Thing unless somebody bothers to tell them?.

This is the beauty of a forum such as this. We are free to explain our points of view.

As long as someone does no harm to themselves or anyone else, what does it matter what they do?

simonnnna wrote:I KNOW I'm emotionally abusive. I hate myself for it but I can't change. This is really difficult to write because I know everyone will think there's something seriously wrong with me..

But I don't let my boyfriend watch tv/movies in fear that he'll see naked/really pretty girls. I don't let him go out with his friends. I'm extremely controlling.

Keep in mind, this is a long distance relationship and I wasn't like this when I was in my last relationship with a guy who lives here (3 years ago).

I don't know what to do. He's been calling me out on it recently and telling me that he can't live like this and that my controlling behavior makes him feel emasculated and depressed and alone and I hate myself but I can't control it.

Does anyone have any advice?

Hi Simona,

First of all, I would like to acknowledge you for asking for help. There is nothing seriously wrong with you - we all struggle with emotional issues of some kind, even if it doesn't look like that on the outside.

I think that first of all, you need to ask yourself the following question: WHAT AM I SO AFRAID OF? Because it's your fear that's causing this behavior.

Are you afraid that he will meet another woman, break up with you, and you will be all alone for the rest of your life?
(Which is a very real fear for a lot of people, no matter how successful or attractive they are.)

Or is it something else?

Only after you honestly answer this question, you will be able to work on the real cause of your behavior.

Hope this helps. And let me know if you ever need to talk.

Olga