I married but falling for a coworker and more....

**Posts:** 4 · by **LeoMel** » Sat Jan 10, 2015 6:42 pm

Hello,
I have been married for 4 years and we share a 3 year old daughter. I have lost all passion and so much about him annoys me. He has never satisfied me sexually and the thought of kissing him makes me cringe. He is a good man and father and thinks I am the best woman in the world. He left his country and everything to be with me.

Recently I had a drunken kiss with a coworker whom is married with small kids. What should have been long forgotten has ignited this mutual attraction and desire for one another. We are kissing all the time and texting. We are finding ways to spend time together to talk and get to know one another. This was unexpected from both sides. We each are developing strong feelings for one another. There has been no sex and we will remain adamant that it will not happen. We both agree it would be catastrophic if we were ever find a way to be together.

To complicate matters, I have been offered a transfer to the opposite coast. Our workplace is toxic and I wanted to leave badly. Career wise it is a better opportunity. But now the thought of leaving my coworker tears me apart. On top of that, my husband does not want to move. He is comfortable here. I am scared to leave and I am scared to not leave. Please help. What is wrong with me?

**Posts:** 321 · by **aires_madness** » Sat Jan 10, 2015 7:57 pm

"There has been no sex and we will remain adamant that it will not happen. We both agree it would be catastrophic if we were ever find a way to be together. "

yeah.... because that is where it REALLY gets wrong.... it amazes the lines people put when they have already screwed up. its like oh yeah I did this and that but NOT THAT.

get off your high horse. does it really matter if you had sex or not? you are emotionally unattached to your current partner. you are having an emotional affair with a married coworker. you both have children.

it is OK to quit a marriage once it stops working. it is OK to give up on something.

dont stay in a relationship because of the sacrifices someone did for you. dont think you are paying your husband back by staying with him. he left everything because he loved you. it was his choice . out of his own genuine feelings. unless you can stay with him and somehow feel the same way then you are not doing anyone any favor, including your kid.

I say do it. have sex , maybe then you will wake up and have to face the real questions here if that is what you consider crossing the line then do it . maybe then you and your coworker can ask WTF is going on , and you and your husband can ask Where The **** are we.

**Posts:** 2008 · by **WonderGurl** » Sat Jan 10, 2015 8:11 pm

So, you're having a fling with a coworker. Is there a reason why you are avoiding resolving your marital issues?

**Posts:** 4 · by **LeoMel** » Sat Jan 10, 2015 8:30 pm

I know it is an emotional affair. But I was trying to convey that this is not about sex and that we both have long term thoughts of one another.

I have verbalized to my husband that I am not happy. He thinks my getting some alone time will make me fall back in love. Just today I said to him that I am unhappy but unsure how to get happy again. I can't get my coworker out of my mind long enough.

We did a K1 visa for my husband to come here. We never got to date traditionally. We are both Leo's and not the most compatible. And we suffer communication issues to due the language barrier. I do love him. But we really didn't know each other extremely well before marriage.

**Posts:** 321 · by **aires_madness** » Sat Jan 10, 2015 9:00 pm

ok , so your husband is living in LALA Land "I love you You love me we are happy family". And you are not as forthcoming as you want to be with him.

Here is my two cents, you decide where you stand in all of this. putting guilt aside. do you want to work it out? do you see there being a possibility that MAYBE you will feel happy and loving towards your husband in the future? is that possibility worth pursuing in your mind? " because not everything possible means we must attain" if so then get counseling. cant afford it? read books, talk to people. perhaps on this forum, start a new thread asking if someone where in your position and how they managed to feel love again.

OR

if you dont see that happening/want to work it out , then move on, ask for at least a separation period where the two of you share custody of the child and see how it goes, then maybe if nothing changed file for a divorce and try to be as civil as possible.

**Posts:** 4 · by **LeoMel** » Sat Jan 10, 2015 9:17 pm

Thank you for the reply. Yes, we talked today about me going to counseling. I think it will be beneficial to my mental status. The only time I am at peace is with my coworker. He, too, is having major guilt issues as neither one of us has ever strayed. But we just can't see to stop each other.

In the mean time, I must make a decision about my career transfer. I can't stand the thought of leaving my coworker behind to get to the west coast. What is my marriage dissolves once I get there and then we are geographically separated?

**Posts:** 321 · by **aires_madness** » Sat Jan 10, 2015 9:20 pm

I dont think Your coworker has anything to do with anything whatsoever. So stop the "what ifs"

**Posts:** 2008 · by **WonderGurl** » Sat Jan 10, 2015 9:50 pm

Ok, let's assume your marriage breaks down. What are the chances your loverboy will dump his wife for you? Are you prepared to be the other woman?

**Posts:** 954 · by **Beloved** » Sat Jan 10, 2015 9:59 pm

LeoMel wrote:
What is wrong with me?

Possibly nothing if this is the first and only time this is happening.

The question to be answered at the first branch of this decision tree is:
are you running from your husband or
running toward the co-worker or
both or
something else which is as yet unidentified?

And you will have more decisions to make after that in this four-player-game.

http://www.edrawsoft.com/decisiontreeexamples.php

**Posts:** 954 · by **Beloved** » Sun Jan 11, 2015 6:53 pm

Which is more likely?
You run off with the co-worker and you both live happily ever after.
He dumps you within two years.

**Posts:** 559 · by **Jim1** » Mon Jan 12, 2015 11:06 pm

Hello LeoMel,

The odds of this relationship with your coworker lasting are very slim. Most relationships don't anyway, plus the fact that he is already cheating on his wife..

I agree that it would be a good idea to go to marriage counseling with your husband. The two of you have child together, that's the most important thing here. You've said that he's a good man and you love him.. that's real, not the deal with your coworker. I would be willing to bet that you'd be less happy, in the long run, than you would be staying with your husband(for a bunch of reasons).

I know that it's exciting and all that with the coworker right now but that isn't real(trust me). What you and your husband have together is. I hope that you will take these words to heart, there's just too much at stake here.

**Posts:** 954 · by **Beloved** » Tue Jan 13, 2015 1:05 am

'WifeKarina' on this forum had a similar problem.
She described her much younger co-worker as 'beautiful'.
I don't know how she solved this problem, if she did.

**Posts:** 5 · by **ciktim** » Tue Jan 13, 2015 2:24 am

You said,

"I can't stand the thought of leaving my coworker behind to get to the west coast."

I think it will lead to sex eventually, unless there is some sort of "intervention." But what happens after that will only cause you more guilt, shame and pain.

And you said,

"What is my marriage dissolves once I get there and then we are geographically separated?'

If I were you, I think this is the best time to start fresh.

Anyway even if you stay, how sure are you that he wants to leave his marriage and family and commit to you?

Counseling will help. But the question is do you really want to be helped? Do you really want to let the other person go and give your marriage another chance?

**Posts:** 549 · by **McCain** » Tue Jan 13, 2015 5:23 am

I think taking that job on the other coast is a good idea.Your husband agreed. You need time to sort this out alone, away from both of them. Focus on you without the guilt getting in the way.
Regards McCain

**Posts:** 4 · by **LeoMel** » Tue Jan 13, 2015 10:36 pm

Thanks for all the replies. I will be visiting the west coast this weekend to check out the new job. I will be going with my best friend. I'm hopping this time away will give me time to reflect better.
I can almost guarantee that I will be taking this job and moving away. My coworker has applied to other jobs in the same city as well due to my move. Whether or not he actually ends up there will be anyone's guess. It would be a testament in his commitment to our budding relationship for sure.
Once I get to the other coast things will either dissolve with the coworker or he will move there as well, though we will no longer be coworkers. I guess fate will play a big role in how things play out. I will go to the west coast and try to fall in love again with my husband.

I married but falling for a coworker and more....

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