Long term concentration problems caused by anxiety.

**Posts:** 10 · by **Osmosis** » Sun Apr 09, 2017 3:05 am

Hi all.

I've been having problems for a long time now with concentration, and could do with some advice on it.

The problem first came about when I was studying for A-Levels. I had recently started at a new school and to start things were going really well, as I was something of a natural at the mostly-science subjects I was studying. I'd quickly acquired a reputation as one of the smartest kids there. This came to an end, however, once the second chemistry module I turned in a bad result (I was planning to revise beforehand, but my mother's boyfriend has a schizophrenic episode in the days immediately before. He asked me to kill him and ended up sectioned). I turned in a bad result (mid 30% range) in that exam, and that's when the trouble started. From that point on, I couldn't catch a word the teacher said because I was "talking to myself" in my head. I quickly went from the top of the class to the bottom.

Similar things happened to me in other subjects - maths and physics, at slightly different times - I'd have one bad result and would thereafter be incapable of concentrating on what came afterwards. The problem is this has persisted for about 20 years now.

I also spend much of my time in rumination. This is mostly imagining myself explain things to people who are important to me.

So. I mentioned this to the doctor, and was diagnosed with OCD. I then went to see a CBT therapist, but they weren't so sure (the rumination is all-mental. I don't really have any overt compulsions, and the therapist didn't seem to think much of the idea of "pure-o").. She did, however, say that she thought my problem with concentration was a post-traumatic issue, which looking at the literature also looks credible.

A year or so ago, I had something of a one-off good day- there's a maths book (about formal proofs on software) I've been having a hell of a hard time getting through. I noticed that when I picked it up and didn't understand or remember something, I had an anxiety reaction - like I was failing in a duty to know it, and people would be upset with me for not. Well, I stuck with the anxiety for a few minutes, and then I somehow had clarity for the rest of the evening. Managed to read properly for once without distraction, and made more progress with the book that night than the entire year before. The clear-headedness I felt that night is what I aspire to get back to.

Unfortunately, I haven't managed to recreate it. I try to stay with the anxiety without reassuring ruminations, I haven't quite managed it for more than a few seconds, which doesn't seem long enough to produce the beneficial effects of the other time.

I'm convinced that this is an anxiety disorder, though I'm not clear on whether it's "pure-o" ocd or PTSD (if that matters). I'm also convinced that exposing myself to the anxiety directly is the right way to go about a recovery, though I'm not sure on exactly how to go about this to produce lasting beneficial results like I did that night, and I'd welcome any advice.

Thanks

**Posts:** 9885 · by **Candid** » Sun Apr 09, 2017 12:56 pm

Osmosis wrote:I also spend much of my time in rumination. This is mostly imagining myself explain things to people who are important to me.

What sort of things do you need to explain to your nearest and dearest?

**Posts:** 10 · by **Osmosis** » Sun Apr 09, 2017 4:42 pm

It's usually some simple technical point. A common example is the way power usage of CPUs increases out of proportion to the clock speed, so it's more efficient to use multiple slow processors than one fast one when the task can be properly split up.

I realise that's an odd thing to have running around my head again and again. I feel like I have a fundamental responsibility to know things - and if I have to reread a chapter of a book or something that I'm failing that duty.

..Now that to me sounds like an OCD pattern, but I'm not sure if OCD would have just left me alone for an evening after one good exposure session, the way it happened a year or so ago.

**Posts:** 9885 · by **Candid** » Mon Apr 10, 2017 11:11 am

Perfectionism is often a sign of a more disturbing underlying condition.

**Posts:** 10 · by **Osmosis** » Tue Apr 11, 2017 12:23 am

I acknowledge perfectionism is an issue, but I'm in positions where things tend to be bimodal.

For example, I'm studying a PhD in computer science, but have been doing this for 11 years at this point, and the university's making noises about wanting me to quit because I can't face getting the work done.
I worked as a small internet service provider. My skills were such that I ended up as lead tech after about 3 months, but again the stress of everything being on me all the time meant that the work piled up on me - eventually I missed something important and the company lost its client database. I was unceremoniously let go.
Also, joined a small company last year - myself and another PhD comp science student, because of my skills with computers, but ended up fired after five months for not getting the work done in a timely fashion.

So yes, I'm kindof a perfectionist with work, but there really isn't much elbow room for getting things wrong in the circles I move in, and this inability to concentrate has messed up a lot of really good opportunities for me.

**Posts:** 9885 · by **Candid** » Tue Apr 11, 2017 9:35 am

Osmosis wrote: there really isn't much elbow room for getting things wrong in the circles I move in

It sounds as though you need to be moving in a wider circle, one where the rarefied air won't go to your head.

**Posts:** 10 · by **Osmosis** » Tue Apr 11, 2017 11:25 am

Hmm. As we're mostly talking about work here, I suppose you mean getting a manual labour style job? I've nothing against that as such, but seems a bit like giving up. I'd rather try to find some way of fighting this directly..

**Posts:** 9885 · by **Candid** » Tue Apr 11, 2017 4:44 pm

Having to quit a job because you get too stressed sounds like giving up, too. I wonder if hypnosis would help?

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Tue Apr 11, 2017 11:46 pm

Osmosis wrote: I'd rather try to find some way of fighting this directly..

Perfectionism.

The cure for a perfectionist is learning that their world will be okay if something is not "perfect". This can be done via scaffolding, learning over time that an imperfect result is not the nightmare it is perceived to be.

-1- Set standards for a task that are less than perfect. When you reach that standard, reflect on the result. For instance, leave a glass unwashed, leave a bed unmade, leave a book unread, etc.

-2- Write down all of the negative things occurring because of lack of perfection. Usually the list will be blank or there will be a fabricated consequence, e.g. not finishing the book leads to failing a course. This is not actually true, just fabricated.

-3- Repeat, using tasks that are a bit more demanding or have perceived higher consequences.

Over time you will collect a journal of tasks accomplished that are less than perfect with no horrible, world ending consequences.

As for positions where things are bimodal...hogwash. There isn't a software program or component out there that doesn't have an unnecessary line of code or some extra wire or node. I get where a program either works or it doesn't, but that really isn't true now is it? Programs have bugs, they constantly need updating and they can work while being patched. It isn't bimodal.

Long term concentration problems caused by anxiety.

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