How to develope self esteem

The question in the beginning shows you aren't thinking about this in a healthy way. You want "all the ways" to improve self esteem, as if it's a grocery list, and it isn't. It's a deep process that you will have to commit to, and it will take time and effort.

From reading this, your self esteem does seem low. Even (and especially) when you're vain. That vanity isn't the opposite of insecurity, it's just a different way it manifests. You seem to not believe there's anything good about you except for your body, which makes you put all of your effort and energy into it. That's why when it isn't absolutely perfect you immediately dislike yourself, and that's why when you feel it is you feel the need to make others feel bad about how much your body is better than theirs (sounds like those men/women are usually not as "healthy" as you). By the way, it sounds like you are f***ing your way into self-validation using your body, which isn't healthy.

You need to check within yourself - even if you had a normal person's body as opposed to a crazy athlete's body (5-7% is REALLY low by any normal measure) what would you have to offer the world that makes you worthwhile? I imagine that list would seem quite empty at the beginning because you focus all of your energy on your body, though I could be wrong. Find a way to fill it up. Make it a habit to think about good qualities about you that have nothing to do with nutrition and fitness. They're there, you are just perhaps not used to thinking about them.

I believe you are correct about this being more than just a self-esteem thing, although what I'm about to say is highly tied to self esteem. I want to preface this by saying I am not a therapist, and this is just a stray observation from your post. You seem to have something parallel to Anorexia, in that you never look good enough in your own eyes and must always get better. Again - I could be wrong here, as you did say there are times where you do feel good about yourself, which kind of goes against that. I would highly advise you to go to therapy to work on that, as that kind of body obsession to the point that it's keeping you up at night and psychosomatically affecting your body temperature sounds like it's past the point of being a health obsession, and should probably be treated by a professional.

guylfe wrote:The question in the beginning shows you aren't thinking about this in a healthy way. You want "all the ways" to improve self esteem, as if it's a grocery list, and it isn't. It's a deep process that you will have to commit to, and it will take time and effort.

From reading this, your self esteem does seem low. Even (and especially) when you're vain. That vanity isn't the opposite of insecurity, it's just a different way it manifests. You seem to not believe there's anything good about you except for your body, which makes you put all of your effort and energy into it. That's why when it isn't absolutely perfect you immediately dislike yourself, and that's why when you feel it is you feel the need to make others feel bad about how much your body is better than theirs (sounds like those men/women are usually not as "healthy" as you). By the way, it sounds like you are f***ing your way into self-validation using your body, which isn't healthy.

You need to check within yourself - even if you had a normal person's body as opposed to a crazy athlete's body (5-7% is REALLY low by any normal measure) what would you have to offer the world that makes you worthwhile? I imagine that list would seem quite empty at the beginning because you focus all of your energy on your body, though I could be wrong. Find a way to fill it up. Make it a habit to think about good qualities about you that have nothing to do with nutrition and fitness. They're there, you are just perhaps not used to thinking about them.

I believe you are correct about this being more than just a self-esteem thing, although what I'm about to say is highly tied to self esteem. I want to preface this by saying I am not a therapist, and this is just a stray observation from your post. You seem to have something parallel to Anorexia, in that you never look good enough in your own eyes and must always get better. Again - I could be wrong here, as you did say there are times where you do feel good about yourself, which kind of goes against that. I would highly advise you to go to therapy to work on that, as that kind of body obsession to the point that it's keeping you up at night and psychosomatically affecting your body temperature sounds like it's past the point of being a health obsession, and should probably be treated by a professional.

I apreaciate it guylfe, let me clear some things up.

What i meant about hot flashes, is that they only occur if i get above 5-7% body fat.

Im also tearing myself apart becuase i had the opportunity to see a therapist through my jobs health insurence benefits, but i told my self i honestly didn't need it.(it really is hard to tell when your functional). But i was fired last month.

And your right. I cant think of a damn thing that would count for me outside of body compisition and athletics(which go hand and hand). And anytime i put on weight i immediatly obsess over getting it off, and cant think of much else, so its all even reinforced, i know that if i dont get back to as light as i was: i wont be able sleep, get out of bed, be arround others, focus on work, chores, bills, finances, life goals ect.
This is very challanging predicament.

Also i dont in any way wish to make others self conscious or insecure when i fluat my body to them, i feel more like i just cant open up to anyone with a physique that im actually attracted to.

I mean ive never started a realationship with someone unless they where relatively attractive, but i always had to feel more attractive then them, not in a form of competition, just for the fact that i cant justify them being with me unless im incredibly lean and fit. And i could clearly see that they loved me, and none of them cared, they loved me for reasons i couldnt even grasp, literally just becuase i was me. Sometimes id feel an urge to just completely let go of my disordered thinking, and a few times i did, but never when i was heavier than i liked.

Here's the thing about 5-7% body fat - It's REALLY low for any regular person. That's on the low end of what an athlete has. For you to get hot flashes sounds really like a psychosomatic issue more than anything else.

Don't tear yourself apart, for the simple reason that it will only make things worse. You made a mistake in not seizing the opportunity, but we all make mistakes and beating yourself up isn't going to solve anything. It really is hard to tell that you need therapy when you're functional, so take it easy. Use that energy for working on your self esteem positively, or finding another avenue to get therapy instead.

If you can't think of anything good about yourself, there are a couple steps you can and should take (besides obviously finding a therapist):
1. Realize that that's a huge problem in your outlook. You deserve to love yourself, you truly do, and should work towards it.
2. If you can't think of anything, talk to some of your non-athletic friends and ask them what they like about you. I'm sure it isn't that you go to the gym often, as you said. People see other stuff in you that you can't fathom, so open up and ask them about it. I'm sure they'll be more than happy to help you get out of your obsessed state, and being this vulnerable is an exercise in getting out of your comfort zone, which in itself will boost your self esteem.
3. (I'm not sure, but I would imagine it's relevant to your situation) If by any chance you get anxious about being better looking than whomever you're in a relationship with, and it makes you act in a way you wouldn't when you feel confident, realize that that's your insecurity talking, not your authentic self, so forgive yourself and channel the energy to fighting your insecurity. Which leads nicely to
4. You already have a habit of working hard on your body. You have a strong work ethic, which is great news because this part might be easier for you than others: Start exercising your self esteem like you do your body. It works slightly differently as thought is constant so doing reps isn't really the point except for the first exercise, but if you can work on your mind as hard as your body you will become a very happy man. Here are a few exercises that I like and find powerful, since you asked in the beginning for things you can actively do:

- Five minutes of positive affirmations in the morning about yourself in front of the mirror - stand there and say that you're awesome to yourself, and not just because of your athletic prowess. Find a mantra that expresses what you want to believe and say it while looking yourself in the eye for 5 minutes. It will feel weird at first and like you're lying to yourself at first, but fight that feeling and try to convince yourself. If you work out in the morning, do this right before or after the workout, as you see fit, so it won't mess with your routine.
- Get in the habit of noticing when you do something great that has nothing to do with working out - it can be very small things, like being kind to someone or even telling a joke someone finds funny. If you have a close friend whom you're around during the day when you aren't working out, you can ask them to spot you and tell you when you do something that you should feel good about in case you didn't notice. Make a mental list, or ideally a physical one in a notepad or on your phone and just update it when you do something that you like (again, that has nothing to do with your workout routine).
- Notice when you are having self deprecating thoughts and acknowledge them. It could be that when you do get them your automatic response is to "sweat it out" in the gym, but that isn't dealing with it. When you have a thought, try thinking about what caused it and why it came up, but don't drown in it and reinforce it in your mind. Then realize it isn't helpful to feel bad about yourself about whatever it is you felt bad about, remember to counter it some of the good stuff you did (if you have a physical list you can pull it out and look at it) and go on with your day.

Again - All of these work best with a therapist who can guide you about your own situation and help you deal with some underlying thought patterns and past trauma, and help you deal with whatever comes up in the process of inner inspection.

Why do you care about how your body looks so much?

Why do you care to have 5-7% body fat?

I think you need to look at your whys to understand yourself better and look at what you are really after.

If you are looking at your body all the time, you should also look at that and may even need to get counseling as it can be a mental health issue.

Also, stop worrying about what others think. You do not need to impress anyone. This includes trying to flaunt of other people.

In order to improve your self-esteem you need to accept your body the way it is. Keep working out and eating healthy, but you do not need to be excessive or extreme about it.