Lately, I've started blaming myself for everything. My coworkers tell me I apologize too much, but I feel like a lot of problems there are my fault. I tell them I picked up the habit from my girlfriend so they don't ask too many questions, but they seem irritated with me. I don't want to lose this hob just because I annoyed my boss; this is one of the best jobs I've ever had.
My girlfriend also worries about me a lot. I always feel like I let her down in some way or another. I know she deserves better, but she stays with me. I feel like I just hold her back, and she'd be happier with anyone else. I feel like I can't talk to her about my problems, though, because I'd just make her cry, and nothing makes me feel worse than that.
I feel like I'm running out of ways to cope with stress. I don't have anyone I can talk to who wouldn't just tell me to "get over it," and I have trouble with talking about these things, anyway. I've started self-harming to deal with things. I feel like it's my punishment for not being a better person. I've usually never gone past punching myself, but tonight I scratched myself and drew blood for the first time. Not a lot, but enough to be noticeable.
I don't know what to do about it. I feel like it's not a big enough deal to call a helpline (I'm not suicidal), but I know this isn't healthy. I need help. I need anything.
I'm not okay
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by hereforthecompany » Tue Jun 20, 2017 6:52 pm
I empathize with you my friend. Depression is horrible thing to go through - but it is something you get through and you become stronger because of it. Not everyone can relate to depression and "just get over it" is something we hear a lot because they don't understand the difference between depression and simply being upset about something. But more people can relate than may seem obvious right now. Most people aren't good at speaking out loud about their feelings and many simply bottle it up (but more people are good listeners than you realize).
Do you have a therapist you can talk to? For whatever reason there is quite the stigma in this country (assuming you're in the US) about therapy, and that's just silly. I see my therapist regularly whether I'm depressed or not and having someone to act as a sounding board is incredibly helpful. A doctor or psychiatrist is definitely worth talking to as well. Finding the right medication is vital. It might be another stigma - but a huge portion of the population has something they take to even themselves out and it's nothing to be ashamed of.
We all suffer relationship issues. Don't feel like you have to apologize for apologizing. I do the same thing and it's because I genuinely care about mistakes I make. It's not a dramatic thing to do - we all act differently.
Talk to your girlfriend. Every relationship should revolve around honesty. If she wants to be with you she'll want to support you. On top of that, simply putting what you're experiencing into words will make you feel a lot better.
Please don't harm yourself. It's not worth it and it's absolutely not something you deserve. Go for a run, find a punching bag, go for a drive and scream (honestly that last part does wonders!).
Hang in there because things will get better. We're here for you.
Do you have a therapist you can talk to? For whatever reason there is quite the stigma in this country (assuming you're in the US) about therapy, and that's just silly. I see my therapist regularly whether I'm depressed or not and having someone to act as a sounding board is incredibly helpful. A doctor or psychiatrist is definitely worth talking to as well. Finding the right medication is vital. It might be another stigma - but a huge portion of the population has something they take to even themselves out and it's nothing to be ashamed of.
We all suffer relationship issues. Don't feel like you have to apologize for apologizing. I do the same thing and it's because I genuinely care about mistakes I make. It's not a dramatic thing to do - we all act differently.
Talk to your girlfriend. Every relationship should revolve around honesty. If she wants to be with you she'll want to support you. On top of that, simply putting what you're experiencing into words will make you feel a lot better.
Please don't harm yourself. It's not worth it and it's absolutely not something you deserve. Go for a run, find a punching bag, go for a drive and scream (honestly that last part does wonders!).
Hang in there because things will get better. We're here for you.
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by Snapped » Tue Jun 20, 2017 8:16 pm
Unfortunately, I can't afford professional help right now. We're only making enough to be able to set aside a little money after bills, and my girlfriend just lost one of her jobs due to closure. Otherwise, I don't really have any qualms about getting help. It's either that or turn to alcohol, and I know that won't help.
One of my biggest issues is trying to calm down. I dwell on what makes me upset until I find a way to release it. I have the good sense to keep it away from other people, and that's why I've been doing this to myself. I can't even remember when I started doing it, but it's a hard habit to break.
Thank you for the kind words. It's nice to be able to get things off my chest every once in a while.
One of my biggest issues is trying to calm down. I dwell on what makes me upset until I find a way to release it. I have the good sense to keep it away from other people, and that's why I've been doing this to myself. I can't even remember when I started doing it, but it's a hard habit to break.
Thank you for the kind words. It's nice to be able to get things off my chest every once in a while.
by hereforthecompany » Tue Jun 20, 2017 8:26 pm
No need to thank me - we're all in the same boat. I'm sorry to hear you're stretched for money right now. Perhaps there's a way to get a discount given your financial situation? Not sure where you're located. It's important to find a way to release what you're bundling up each day. I think exercise works wonders - and it's free... 
Stay away from the booze - you might feel better for an hour but you'll feel worse for the next 24. Feel free to PM me if you need anything. Keep your head up friend.
Stay away from the booze - you might feel better for an hour but you'll feel worse for the next 24. Feel free to PM me if you need anything. Keep your head up friend.- hereforthecompany
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by popcorn123 » Tue Jun 20, 2017 10:18 pm
Hi Snapped,
I know how you feel. I began to resort to self-harm at one point recently. Nothing major, but for the first time I just felt the need to slap myself. I was just so angry at myself. I felt so useless and a failure. I had this constant negative voice that would put me down, driving me into a dark despair. This feeling dissolved when I re-evaluated the voice, not as my own, but rather as an external negativity (demonic perhaps) and tried to work on my internal struggle. That was thanks to another member of this forum who just gave me that reminder. Here is the thread just if you’re interested:
viewtopic.php?t=105205
But I know that may not work for you. Have you considered taking steps to begin changing your thought patterns into positive thinking? I have tried this myself, after being rebuked for my negativity many times by family, but find it very hard because the same negative thoughts recur and I feel down when things don’t go the way I want. I am trying very hard to reduce my ‘negative self-talk’, but it is a battle… I posted some suggestions on how to improve positive thinking for someone who felt like they had random negative thoughts, thinking the worst about everything, if you would like to see:
viewtopic.php?t=104971&p=883447#p883447
As for feeling like everything at work is your fault. I also felt like that last year when I was on a placement. I was working with a device and for some reason it seemed to not work every so often, well more often than not. And I felt like it was my fault every time, that I was doing something wrong and I felt hopeless. A couple of times I had a meeting with my colleagues to evaluate what was going wrong - basically they were trying to evaluate what I was doing wrong. That made things worse. But after I left, I was able to take a step back and I realised that it wasn’t me, it was the actual device that had issues (well it wasn’t my fault most of the time…). I think my colleagues also realised when my successor also had problems… Anyway, perhaps you could take a step back and really think about whether things are your fault. Put things into perspective and don’t immediately think, “Oh I always do things wrong, so I must be the problem”. Start by being objective. And perhaps if you do find that you are not performing as well as you could be, maybe ask to be on a different project (if that is how your job works). Perhaps your strengths don’t lie in what you are currently doing. You say you enjoy your job, so there must be good things about it - you must have the skills needed to do well.
And your girlfriend - I get that you don’t want to share this with her because you don’t want to get her down. You only want her to be happy and so that includes seeing you happy. But I just want to mention here that with the strongest relationships, people share even their darkest moments, and people form deeper connections when they expose their vulnerabilities. So perhaps you could share some of your thoughts with her. However, having said that, I would suggest to you that you work on improving yourself first - maybe try the positive thinking thing, and stop with the constant apologising (unless something is unmistakably your fault) - then when you speak to your girlfriend you can say to her, “Hey, I feel quite stressed at work and I have been feeling down lately, but I am starting to try and change my thought processes with positive thinking. What do you think?” That way she will feel like she is a part of your life and she has something to support you with. Girls generally do not want to be pushed aside, even though you feel like you want to hide your dark side, and they actually like to know that they can help their loved one out of troubled times. They also want to see your vulnerabilities, because it means you love them enough to expose yourself to them.
Those are just some of my thoughts. I know how hard it is to get out of the habit of self-deprecation. But it’s a constant battle. Keep at it.
Also - what hereforthecompany said about finding somewhere and just screaming sounds like a great idea! Perhaps I will try it sometime...
I know how you feel. I began to resort to self-harm at one point recently. Nothing major, but for the first time I just felt the need to slap myself. I was just so angry at myself. I felt so useless and a failure. I had this constant negative voice that would put me down, driving me into a dark despair. This feeling dissolved when I re-evaluated the voice, not as my own, but rather as an external negativity (demonic perhaps) and tried to work on my internal struggle. That was thanks to another member of this forum who just gave me that reminder. Here is the thread just if you’re interested:
viewtopic.php?t=105205
But I know that may not work for you. Have you considered taking steps to begin changing your thought patterns into positive thinking? I have tried this myself, after being rebuked for my negativity many times by family, but find it very hard because the same negative thoughts recur and I feel down when things don’t go the way I want. I am trying very hard to reduce my ‘negative self-talk’, but it is a battle… I posted some suggestions on how to improve positive thinking for someone who felt like they had random negative thoughts, thinking the worst about everything, if you would like to see:
viewtopic.php?t=104971&p=883447#p883447
As for feeling like everything at work is your fault. I also felt like that last year when I was on a placement. I was working with a device and for some reason it seemed to not work every so often, well more often than not. And I felt like it was my fault every time, that I was doing something wrong and I felt hopeless. A couple of times I had a meeting with my colleagues to evaluate what was going wrong - basically they were trying to evaluate what I was doing wrong. That made things worse. But after I left, I was able to take a step back and I realised that it wasn’t me, it was the actual device that had issues (well it wasn’t my fault most of the time…). I think my colleagues also realised when my successor also had problems… Anyway, perhaps you could take a step back and really think about whether things are your fault. Put things into perspective and don’t immediately think, “Oh I always do things wrong, so I must be the problem”. Start by being objective. And perhaps if you do find that you are not performing as well as you could be, maybe ask to be on a different project (if that is how your job works). Perhaps your strengths don’t lie in what you are currently doing. You say you enjoy your job, so there must be good things about it - you must have the skills needed to do well.
And your girlfriend - I get that you don’t want to share this with her because you don’t want to get her down. You only want her to be happy and so that includes seeing you happy. But I just want to mention here that with the strongest relationships, people share even their darkest moments, and people form deeper connections when they expose their vulnerabilities. So perhaps you could share some of your thoughts with her. However, having said that, I would suggest to you that you work on improving yourself first - maybe try the positive thinking thing, and stop with the constant apologising (unless something is unmistakably your fault) - then when you speak to your girlfriend you can say to her, “Hey, I feel quite stressed at work and I have been feeling down lately, but I am starting to try and change my thought processes with positive thinking. What do you think?” That way she will feel like she is a part of your life and she has something to support you with. Girls generally do not want to be pushed aside, even though you feel like you want to hide your dark side, and they actually like to know that they can help their loved one out of troubled times. They also want to see your vulnerabilities, because it means you love them enough to expose yourself to them.
Those are just some of my thoughts. I know how hard it is to get out of the habit of self-deprecation. But it’s a constant battle. Keep at it.
Also - what hereforthecompany said about finding somewhere and just screaming sounds like a great idea! Perhaps I will try it sometime...
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by Snapped » Fri Jun 23, 2017 8:03 am
I've started exercising a bit more, and I am feeling a little better. I haven't gotten stressed enough to hurt myself since that night, so I think it's helping me. I'm thinking about getting a punching bag so I have something to beat up besides myself. Also, I used to scream when things got rough, but I stopped when my friends told me I had a good singing voice; I didn't want to ruin it.
I also talked to my girlfriend and showed her my scratch mark. Thankfully, she didn't start crying like I was afraid she would. I feel a lot better now that it's out there, and I think she's glad I'm trying to talk about it. She's been trying to help me with this for a while, but never could, since I never wanted to talk abot it. I even started watching myself at work so I'm not apologizing over everything. I think my coworkers are starting to notice the change.
I'm still struggling to control my anger, but I think it's getting a little easier. I try to direct my punches toward soft object now. I know that's still not great, but I think it's a step in the right direction. At least I'm not limping afterward.
I also talked to my girlfriend and showed her my scratch mark. Thankfully, she didn't start crying like I was afraid she would. I feel a lot better now that it's out there, and I think she's glad I'm trying to talk about it. She's been trying to help me with this for a while, but never could, since I never wanted to talk abot it. I even started watching myself at work so I'm not apologizing over everything. I think my coworkers are starting to notice the change.
I'm still struggling to control my anger, but I think it's getting a little easier. I try to direct my punches toward soft object now. I know that's still not great, but I think it's a step in the right direction. At least I'm not limping afterward.
by hereforthecompany » Sat Jun 24, 2017 2:50 am
Hang in there. Every little bit of progress is a blessing.
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by Catrina227 » Thu Jul 06, 2017 6:49 pm
There's always hope. There's always light at the end of the tunnel. You have such a good support system - your girlfriend. She obviously loves you very very much. Just stay strong and I promise one day you will be happy. X
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