it finally happened

Hi,

So a brief background… I'm a 30 yr old male.I'm pretty big.. I'm 6'5" and about 210 an pretty athletic and I often times forget how much bigger I am than a lot of people… which comes into play when I lose my temper. My whole life one of the strongest traits that i've had was composure. So much so that it really was something I identified myself with and others identified by it. I could keep my cool in really stressful situations. Always promoted to leadership roles etc in the jobs I had as a result.

But… starting around 2 years ago I started to notice I was getting angry. I was going through some stressful things at the time so I thought maybe it was just a phase. But its been getting worse and worse. I first started to be concerned when I started to get really ugly with my dog. I would just fly off the handle and it was almost as if I'd check out of my mind and see myself from some external position. Then I'd be filled with self hate and resentment afterwards.

I've been trying to get into meditation, reading a lot of eastern philosophy and started seeing a psychologist to try to deal with this seemingly new temper/anger problem and also some depression thats popped up.

So that brings me to tonight. I was sitting watching a movie with my father (I live with my parents right now because I just moved across the country to a new city and haven't found a place yet) and all of a sudden someone just started slamming on our door. My dogs flipped out and while I controlled them my dad answered the door and I heard the voice of our across the street neighbor telling my dad "we better move that F'n car parked across from his driveway right now and never park there again". (It was my little brothers gf's car parked across the street from his drive). Now mind you… this guy parks the biggest truck on the block directly across from our driveway every single day.

So I was instantly pissed because of how he talked to my dad and just the general beligerant attitude. So I got my shoes on and went out side (I should have just stayed inside). But I didn't do anything. I just stood on my porch looking up and down the street to see where she could park it while she got her keys. And he started laying into me from his drive.

This is where I lost control. We had about a 4 minute screaming match back and forth… 4 blocks in all directions could probably hear it. Again… i'm a big guy. And eventually the screaming match got into "either get your A** inside right now or come over here and settle this!" in addition to many many F-bombs and what have you.


Nothing physical actually happened but I was completely and utterly ready to fight this man. When I came inside I had to deal with product of a complete adrenaline rush and then the following crash. I was shaky, nauseas and got very depressed very quickly.

In the moment this inner dialog goes on like "this is a rough world and you have to stand up for yourself, if you let people walk all over you they wont stop, he deserves it, you're in the right he is in the wrong and if he backs down than you are a man and you win. "

But then afterwards the inner dialog goes more like "That was pathetic. Violence and aggression don't solve problems they only make them worse, and the fact that you lost control to your animal instincts doesn't make you a man it makes you a boy and you lost"

I dont know what to do… I have now potentially created a bad problem for my family. I have maybe ruined our reputation in the neighborhood. I am now afraid this guy might continue this somehow in a way that is threatening or dangerous to me, my family, my dogs, or my property. I feel like my family saw me act in a way that they didn't realize I was capable. I'm embarrassed ashamed and disappointed in myself. Yet… in that moment it didn't feel like a choice. I felt propelled by some force inside of me that my mind wasn't in control of.

I'm very confused and conflicted and I'm hoping this story resonates with someone here that can maybe share some insight with me because I'm really upset about tonight.

Thank you for listening