My boyfriend has depression and he has pushed me away

It's wonderful that you have managed to control the depression yourself! My exdbf struggles a lot with thinking too much and I'm not sure if there is much he can do to curtail that.

It says that your book is now out of print on Amazon. I don't have an Amazon Prime account, but don't want to put you to any trouble - thank you for the thought though!

Best wishes,

Smiley

Another author wrote a book with the same title - His is out of print, mine is an e-book. I was going to PM you a copy of mine but it looks like I can't send PM's. If you PM me, though, I'd be happy to send you a copy!

Best,

.Andrew.

Hi Andrew, I tried to send you a PM but not sure it's worked - perhaps it won't let me because you're new.... Please let me know if you've got it! Thanks

Thanks Smiley - I couldn't respond to your PM but I sent you the book via email. Hope it's helpful!

Best,

.Andrew.

Hi awiseman great to hear from you. I am in the throes of a suffering partner but feel my bf just doesn't want me in his life so have gradually backed off. Am so hurt as I feel he hasn't got respect for me to talk / meet up. I have been so supportive over be last three weeks when he crashed, sending emails, cards, texts with little response... Now I feel he just doesn't want me around and I wonder if I should just let it go as I don't want him to have that guilty feeling that you had and certainly don't want to push him away further. Think I am going thru the angry stage and want to tell him that I have crashed too, can't stop crying... But know I can't as it won't help him. But without him talking to me I just don't know where I srand or what he wants from me.
Would love to send him your book and just went online to Amazon but it's only available in Kindle... Where can I buy the book??
Many thanks
N xxx

N xxx, Unfortunately the book only exists in digital form at the moment, but I'd be happy to send you the book in a PDF file if you PM me your email address.

Thank you awiseman that's really kind
How can I send you my email address privately?

Dear all,

I had written on this forum a while back and visited again today to catch up on your stories...and give you an update on mine as well.

To recap, my boyfriend was going through a rough patch (work and family related) and broke up with me out of the blue...and saying some very hurtful things to me. I was extremely upset, but I knew that he was feeling angry at the time and lashed out. He decided to go away travelling for a while. I only contacted him a couple of times after the split, to wish him well for his travels etc...I was trying to stay strong, but those were obviously very though months for me.

So now for the update:

When I found out that he came back I sent him a short message to say that I had hoped his trip went well and that he was doing better. To be honest I did not expect a response. But he did respond, he told me of how he was not better, in fact he was actually worse and that the trip had not done anything for him at all. He told me that I deserved much better things in life and to be happy. I have to say, the message broke my heart. I really wanted him to find some sort of happiness. I told him I was there if he wanted to talk and I left it at that. I guess I was also trying to protect myself by not getting in too deep again but no matter how hard I tried I was finding it very hard to move on.

A few months later it was his Birthday and I sent him a birthday wish...again not expecting a reply. But, shockingly to me, he asked to meet up. We got back together, he told me how much he had missed me and many other things. In fact we are now living together! At first things couldn't have been better, he seemed happier and much more able to cope. At the moment though I think he must be hitting a bit of a rough patch again as I feel he has started pushing me away a bit and cancelling events.

I am trying hard to stay strong for him and trying to think that it's not me, that it is his illness again...but it is hard to remember that sometimes. I think "Is he going off me" or "maybe he thinks this is a mistake"...he doesn't talk to me when he is going through a hard time he tries to keep it to himself, reading your posts N xxx and others helps me as I know I am not the only one going through this.

But I just thinking of how much it hurst and how much it took out of me the first time he broke up with me.

x

Dear Tulip35,

Thanks for your honesty about the situation, sorry to hear you are having a hard time at the moment. Remember that you love him and that he has an illness that he has to get help for. You may need some support for you in how to cope too. It is important that you don't try to be responsible for him, you can help if he wants it but it is his journey to get better. I am sure he really appreciates you and just doesn't want to burden you with bad feelings. "Sign-post" him to where he can get help if he wants it - i.e. tell him where he can go to get help. Remember to get someone you can talk to if you need it so that you have an outlet for your feelings.

Much love and light

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

Thank you very much for your reply and advice

It helps to read through the advice on this forum, I really appreciate it!

x

Two weeks ago my boyfriend was on top of the world. We had everything going for us, a really happy honest relationship. We've been on and off for a year now and when things are good their great and when things are bad i.e. his bouts of depression, theyre really bad. The first thing he does is tell me that he doesnt want to be with me anymore. This is the 4th time this has happened. On easter sunday he took me, my best friend and my sun for sunday dinner. I dropped him to his parents so he could visit. He kissed me goodbye told me he loved me and well that was it. The next day he ended it saying he couldnt trust me... even though i have never once told him a lie or decieved him in any way, and he knows this. He was very hurt in the past by an ex. So so bad. We have spoken a couple of times but it only lead to a bad ending. Now when i text or call he doesnt reply. Ive not felt this down for a long while. I want to be there for him but he wont see or speak to me. I text him daily. I cant stop. I love him and i think he still loves me. He wont even give me an indication of what he wants me to do. Hes so low. He's quit his job and everything. It was so out of the blue. And now the man who i loved spending time with doesnt want to be anywhere near me. Im heartbroken beyond words. all i do is think about him. Just a text to tell me hes ok... I hope and pray he gets through this. He has an appointment with a counsellor soon. He doesnt want to take tablets as he took them before and they werent good for him. Any words of support and advice would be great. I have read all the posts and peoples stories. Its very hard. I thought i was the only one until i came on here. I hope he gets better and remembers me...

Hello Everyone,

I haven't posted here on the forum in over a year now, I'm sure of it. My story: I was in love with a depressed man whom his entire family knew wanted to marry me. But, in 2009, he pushed we away. We came back together in 2010. He moved 1000 miles away to start a business, all the while completely unmedicated or seeing a therapist. He and I had the dream of me eventually living there. He broke things off with me again at the end of 2011 by simply disappearing and not responding to phone calls or texts. This was after I set up an appointment with a psychiatrist for him.

Fast forward to last summer. I learned from his sister in law that he had hit what most would think to be rock bottom. He had wrecked his expensive car without renewing his auto insurance, ticked off his business partners to the point he was selling off his side of the business and even lost a $10K watch in Las Vegas because he blacked out from alcohol and couldn't remember even taking it off. He told me he missed me immensely and wanted to rebuild his life. Said he knew now that he needed to stay on the medication. Oh! That was said before he went to Las Vegas and lost his watch.

We stayed in touch via phone and usually talked once a week, or maybe every few. I haven't been able to move on to anyone new, amongst numerous breakups, since you feel like you're essentially cheating on that person if they're ill and pushing you away. I'm sure most everyone here can relate to this. He decided to move 2000 miles away from me in the other direction to be with his father. He wanted to completely rebuild his life. Even go back to college to earn another degree. I thought it was risky for me, but I stood by his side. Especially when he texted me in the middle of the night in August asking if I would consider moving to his new location. Of course, I told him I would.

We actually saw one another last November. He had yet to move to his father's house at this point. Should have been in December. I could tell that he was unmedicated at the time, and appeared rather anxious and jittery. I could also tell by the accounts of his day to day life that he was stuck in an endless loop of depression and hypomania. Really, really off. He kissed me and told me he isn't scared of me anymore. Said I ask the tough questions. I told him that I live in reality.

I've been seeing a therapist who specializes in substance abuse, as well as depression and bipolar disorder. All along, I've felt that he is bipolar 2. She agreed with me, without seeing him of course, once I told her how he behaved in November. I also used to get advice from the "counselor" who used to post here a few years ago, as well. I will not be connected with that person anymore, since I learned how she took advantage of a person who used to post here with an outside business she kind of promoted. The "counselor" has issues of her own, and I can't be part of that. My therapist has a PhD. That's the only way to go, in my opinion.

Fast forward to the past five months: After we saw one another in November, he stayed in contact for ten days. Then... Poof! He disappeared again. Holidays are always tough for him, since this was the season his parents got divorced in when he was twelve years old. The pivotal beginning of his depression. I called and texted and did what I'm used to doing with a depressed person. I stayed by his side, hoping for the best, waiting...

Fast forward to last week: I learned that he was introduced to someone by either his father or one of his father's friends and that they have been dating since January. Supposedly, he is driving an hour each direction every weekend to see her and she's even met his mother! Is his family more insane than him?? He isn't working. He's living at home with his father, flying planes and deep sea fishing, taking one college course until January, supposedly, so he can achieve in state tuition... All in his 40's! I guess his family assumes he's just fine now? He's reinvented himself, just like he's done over and over again all of his life?

I finally got ahold of him after leaving a message cussing him out, asking him to please set me free if he's seeing someone else... Which would be WEIRD. I have BEEN asking him this in every single voicemail and text I've left him once a month or even more frequent since January!

He said I should just go ahead and date. I asked if he's seeing someone new, which he denied at first. I told him I knew otherwise. He gasped. Said it's only been a few dates and a few weekends. That it's nothing. He cried and said he was sad that it's taking him so long to rebuild his life and that he doesn't have the means to support me if I moved to be with him. I own my own alternative health care business and would need to rebuild a clientele. I'm not worried about it, as I could sell my business here for a decent profit. I've also got a good reputation where I live now, so I truly believe it wouldn't take me all that long to develop something new. He has known all of this.

He asked if we could at least be "friends for now" while he worked on his life. At first, I thought I could while we talked for only twenty minutes, because I had to go back to work. But, all I had to do was think about him sleeping with someone else and that changed everything. He said he wanted to be there for me, of which he hasn't been in years. He has given me some business advice in a few situations I had last summer with my auto mechanic and also on a tax question. I've been rehabbing from a serious neck injury I'd incurred back in 2009. Was he there for that? No. He is incapable.

I texted him later that day, asking if we could continue to talk about this potential friendship idea, since I was still quite raw and running on adrenaline. He never responded. I left a voicemail in the middle of the night the following evening telling him I can't be friends, since he's sleeping with someone else. That it wouldn't be fair to myself, his new girlfriend, or a potential new boyfriend for me. I also cried and told him I can tell he isn't balanced and that I see that he is just pretending. I can't be part of that. I love him too much to be a contributing factor in perpetuating his problem.

Sent a text the next day asking if we could talk. Adrenaline. It's a bad thing. I noticed that he had his phone turned off. That was on a Thursday around 4pm his time. Went through the weekend and did good things for myself. Spent time with great friends and expanded my mind. All healthy things to do for ourselves as the victims of the fallout of depression. By Sunday morning, I sent him a text message saying I couldn't be "friends for now" because of the unfairness to his new relationship and myself. Said that with all the love and support I've given him, I would be doing myself a disservice, especially since he has a new girlfriend. I wished him the best of luck. Again... His phone was turned off at 10am on a Sunday morning. Thursday through Sunday.

Could he have been with the new girl and made sure to turn his phone off, since he knows me and how I would behave? All of the other texts I've sent him have gone through on the weekends. I will probably never know.

What I do know is what I am sharing here with all of you: I have been trying to heal him since August of 2009. Almost four years. I've wasted the last of my fertile years, unable to move on because I cared about him so much. I've never loved anyone like him. Ever. I fought to save him. Over and over again. I have felt like a complete fool, because I wrote here that I would definitely move on if he didn't follow through with doctor's orders. I feel like a depression expert. I understand anosognosia, of which I think he definitely suffers from, being bipolar 2 without being a psychiatrist or a therapist myself. I've been stubborn.

Thank God for this forum, though. I learned a lot. Even from the "counselor" who used to post here. Unfortunately, I felt that her advice left me hanging on, yet it also helped me realize that depressed people don't necessarily mean what they do while they're experiencing a manic or depressive episode. So, I've gained more empathy for the plethora of depressed people here on this planet. That has even helped my clinic practice.

But, this is my advice for all of you: RUN if they won't allow help. Read as many books as possible before you run, though. One author I especially like is Dr. Xavier Amador. His book "I Am Not Sick I Don't Need Help" is great for attaining some skills while trying to talk a depressed person into getting the medical help they so desperately need.

Yet, if you're in a situation like I've been for the past four years, seriously think about what you're getting yourself into. I am the ONLY person who will face reality for him. His family is in denial. He has surrounded himself with friends who are either socially inept or addicts or both. I got phased out because he can't handle the truth. It's easier to pretend and move from relationship to relationship. Never really feeling. Never really expanding as a person. Comfy in the arms of the family wealth. Able to put on a shiny new watch, drive a new car, be given a girlfriend from a family most likely like his... An illusion.

Do you want to live this? Do you want to waste your time after you've done all the research and given this person your entire soul? I did. I wanted to experience the man I fell in love with. The man who was absolutely perfect for our first year and a half. But, four years of pleading with someone, unable to move on? Only to be replaced? Not worth it. You'll see stories of other's depressives trying on new relationships. Some come back. Some don't. And often, if they do come back and they aren't under a doctor's care... Boom! The roller coaster ride starts up again.

Seriously think about this. I'm not even the same person now that I've gone through this torment. I have great pity for the next man I try to involve myself with. I am so guarded and unsure of my own abilities at this point. Time for more therapy for me. More introspection. Please take care of yourselves. These depressives usually aren't dying in a pile. I was so worried my ex would commit suicide. He'd mentioned it before. Said this was his last attempt at happiness. But, he wasn't doing the work because he can't FEEL.

Please take care of yourselves. Don't waste the time that I did. I did make two amazing new friendships out of being here on the forum. Both women have moved onto new relationships. I have three others that I've kept up with, as well. None of these friends are posting here anymore. Maybe occasionally. I know both of my close friends have written a little something here and there, kind of like what I'm doing today. Saying goodbye to the support group that at least helped me feel like less of a fool for caring about someone. Because I had plenty of friends in my life that I've now moved on from who treated me horribly for holding out. That isn't friendship.

I will be your friend here and say, "How much do you want to take? If they won't accept help, you are going to be the carnage in the accident."

Wishing you all peace and strength. Zennerrific

I forgot to add a few more details to my last post for those who don't remember me from a few years back. My ex's mother is a doctor of psychology. She, his father, his brother, and even a few friends here where I live who grew up with him all wanted him to start anti-depressant medication. I also contacted his father on Facebook email back in December to share my telephone number, email, and home address with him just in case of an emergency. I told him how much I care for his son. I never heard back, but I wasn't asking for a response. He deleted his Facebook account about a month ago.

I tried everything. I gave my heart and my soul to this person's healing. If the person you're writing about here is as reluctant to allow help, (I'm saying "allow" because they often are unable to seek it) please look into your own needs. I ignored mine because I was so dedicated to winning the battle of depression.

Do whatever you can to feel good either in the process of helping them get help or moving on. I work out all the time and that helps immensely. I am sure to surround myself with positive, supportive friends. If someone judges you, eliminate them from your picture immediately. Because... We all become depressed, ourselves, trying to carry this disease's burden. I know I have quite possibly felt more depressed than my ex ever did. Depression causes them not to feel. They're numb. I couldn't do that. Not a chance in numbing myself out. I don't even drink alcohol, so all I've been left with is worry, loneliness, and pain.

I'm finished now. Again... Wishing all of you strength and peace.

Hi Guys, Having read lots of stories on here its really helped. I sent my final text last night to let my ex im supporting him in silence and that i understand why he is doing this. Is anyone available to give me some advice at all?

Tulip, hello again. I'm so sorry that your bf has started to push you away once more and I hope that he is open to receiving help this time around. Take good care of yourself x

Summer, I'm glad that you found the forum and that reading through the posts has helped. I can understand why you no longer want to text your bf if he has not replied to you. It may be that in a couple of weeks or so, he will contact you again. If not, perhaps you could just send a 'thinking of you' text, once in a while, something that he doesn't feel that he has to respond to.

In the meantime please take care of yourself as best you can. The Depression Fallout forum is much more active than this one and it might be worth your while posting on there x

It was so sad to read about Zennerrific's experience - I have PM'd her.
And just to update on my situation, my ex now seems to be backing out of wanting to see me...

It just goes to show that no matter how much love and support we give, at the end of the day we can't fix our loved ones, they have to do that for themselves.