Hi everyone!
I am posting because I am looking for help, as I hit a point in life where I am at my lowest. I am hoping some people read this throughout (Lol) and can relate to me wants to talk about these common issues. I am not suicidal, but I don't really want to continue life if that makes sense. I care about myself a lot, but I just feel hopeless... I don't think there's anything that can fix my current situation. Self esteem is something that has been a weird issue for me as it has ebbed and flowed. Please let me explain.
Growing up, I thought the world of myself. I thought I was good looking and intelligent and nothing ever bothered me. Mainly because I had great parents who nurtured me and made me feel good about myself. Then my teens hit. I had girls call me ugly to my face and mock me saying they'd never date me. This didn't effect me as much as you think it would at the time. Still had pretty good self confidence. Then one time I had asked a girl if she was interested in going to homecoming with me. She said yes, only to ditch me the day before for her crush. That's bad in itself but the next day her and her friend started drilling me about how "I am the definition of goofy/goofiest guy in the world." This was freshman year of high school and I am about to be 25 now.
Ridiculous to let something like that in high school bother me? Right? That sent me into a deep depression for a while. I didn't look into a mirror for almost two years (no exaggeration) It sticks with me still. But at that time I forced myself out of the depression by forcing myself out of my comfort zone my junior and senior year. I am naturally outgoing, and it can be easy for me to make friends. I eventually found a girlfriend, and that restored my confidence fully. I did a full turnaround and felt great about myself and was genuinely happy again.
I was doing ok for a few years after that, went to college, had kids make fun of me about my appearance, calling me frail and goofy etc. I went through the same thing as I did in high school, deep depression freshman and sophomore year, then found a GF who I loved for the next two years. I absolutely loved this girl and she just had a different path in life after school and we mutually parted ways.
I have been single since college, haven't had a girl take any notice in me since. Literally not even in the slightest. I think back at how people have treated me, then look at the way I appear on video, mirror, and photos and realize that they are right. I am actually the weirdest looking guy I know by FAR. I wince when I see myself. The sole reason I've won girls over in the past is because of my personality, without a doubt. One side of my face is actually really attractive, but the other looks almost fake and looks like I was hit by a shovel. My mouth is very crooked, my head is an odd shape, I have a pretty big nose, and I am as skinny as can be.
However it is hitting me way harder then ever before that I am definitely one of the ugliest dudes out there. I was able to deal with it before, but I just can't anymore. It makes my stomach churn. I see my reflection and I want to vomit, which sounds super vain I know. I spend hours everyday taking photos and videos of myself from all different angles and lighting (which is embarrassing as hell) only one confirm the fact that I am horrifying to look at.
The worst part is, this realization is taking away from my personality. I am so irritable now with this realization and and less social. I don't want to go out because I am hyper aware of my appearance and it's preventing me from living life. I have a good job, live on my own, have a nice car, and am very financially stable, but I am so damn unhappy.
I simply don't want to accept the fact that I'm ugly. I don't know how Accept this. I am scared I'll never find a girl again. It's even worse when you've had girls in the past and long for that feeling of love again. My looks are preventing me from getting girls and making friends. People treat me like sh** and it's because I'm not normal like them. I am some type of character to then. People have said I look like cartoon characters, and really hurtful sh**.
My current state of mind is terrifying to me. I have always been relatively mentally stable, but I do fee like I am losing my sanity slowly. The older I get the more I become aware of the truth. I am just not good enough, and never will be. I'll always be known as the weak ugly guy, who is strangely social. I want to die, but I know for a fact I couldn't EVER go through with it. I just wish I could hit the stop button. Or I wish I had the ability to change my looks and learn to enjoy life like I used to. I am absolutely miserable and in such a deep dark put it is so hard to even put into any words. I really view myself in an extremely dark light. My appearance is just so off putting it's hard to believe. I just want to be normal.