Feeling guilt towards my baby

PLEASE, talk to your doctor, fess up as you have done here, and don't leave without a referral to whatever support services are available in your area.

At some point you'll have to address whatever's driving your lifestyle choices, but right now you're in crisis and need to take urgent action to avert tragedy.

Dear Mom,

yes, Candid is right, but not just about seeking Professional Help.

Any help whatsoever would be a tremendous relief for you. as you said, you are a Single Mother with a very young baby that wears you out all day long and then keeps you up at night. Add to that your mood swings and hormones from the early to middle stages of this current pregnancy. Of course you would be a bit 'on edge'. And Young Human Mothers never evolved to do all of what you are doing alone.... no, up until about a hundred years ago people lived with Extended Family -- Mothers, Grandmothers, Aunts, Sisters, Nieces -- the whole Clan would pitch in and help. What is expected of you simply isn't 'normal', except in this terrible and misguided Day and Age -- the Age of the Self Sufficient Individual (or what they should call The Disintegration of Human Society).

Oh, and then there was that little spank. Now don't exaggerate a little spank on the butt. Shaking is dangerous, but remember the first thing a Doctor does when a baby is born is to 'spank it' to get it to cry (to help clear the lungs, I believe). So what a doctor does is certainly nothing to report yourself to Social Services for. Now if you SHOOK the baby.... well that IS dangerous. Anyway, you should see your way to forgiving yourself a bit.

Now for some constructive advice that may be a bit difficult for you. Is there a way to move in with Mom, or move in with another young mother so that you can work the children 'in shifts', so at least one of you is rested and bright eyed and bushy tailed at all times?

Really, it is simply important that you team up with somebody. you can't do what you are doing alone... and you've sort of seen why. Good luck ma'am.

Leo Volont wrote:Young Human Mothers never evolved to do all of what you are doing alone.... no, up until about a hundred years ago people lived with Extended Family -- Mothers, Grandmothers, Aunts, Sisters, Nieces -- the whole Clan would pitch in and help.

It's still considered normal to have the children's father or fathers on board, though -- even if they have to be 'persuaded' by law to contribute.

Oh, and then there was that little spank. Now don't exaggerate a little spank on the butt. Shaking is dangerous, but remember the first thing a Doctor does when a baby is born is to 'spank it' to get it to cry (to help clear the lungs, I believe). So what a doctor does is certainly nothing to report yourself to Social Services for.

Lovemychildren21 wrote:it was running my anger and just as I thougnt I calmed down something came over me and I spanked him right in the bottom. There wasn't a mark or Nything but it definetly wasn't jjst a light tap

The doctor who induces crying isn't wound up to fury by the baby's screaming, nor did "something" come over him. A spank that "definitely wasn't just a light tap" administered by an out-of-control mother, leading to both parties crying and screaming, needs to be mentioned to somebody. This is a mother who needs help, not to be assured it's okay to strike a baby in anger. And I hope you haven't put the idea of shaking into her head for the next time she wants to stop him screaming!

Lovemychildren21 appears to have left the building, so I'm inclined to think she wasn't about to follow your advice or mine. Reading between the lines I doubt there's a Mom around or any close friends, and the father/s is/are long gone, so teaming up with somebody is about as likely as telling her doctor what she's done. I didn't suggest she "report herself to Social Services" -- but the idea that someone else might will be enough to put her off telling her doctor.

After all, she's love my children, 21, with no visible means of support. An eight-month old baby and another one on the way, started when the first was three months old -- without a partner.

Babies die from this form of 'love'.

dear Candid,

yes, of course, you are correct in all of this. it is a very sad situation will all sorts of possible dilemmas and all sorts of questions and viewpoints. what is good for the Mother. What is good for the baby. I was siding with the mother and may have been overly empathetic. yes, I would feel horrible if she ended up really hurting that baby, or raising it so badly that it became a dangerous and crazy hoodlum. But I didn't have the nerve to send her in a direction where responsible people in authority would make the correct judgment call, if that is what it would be, to place the baby in a healthier and safer environment.

But, yes, of course, you were entirely right, and I have the same reservations over what I wrote as you do.

So thank you so much. It is good we have a solid sensible person like you here on this Website.

Leo Volont wrote: I didn't have the nerve to send her in a direction where responsible people in authority would make the correct judgment call, if that is what it would be, to place the baby in a healthier and safer environment.

I've got a lot of nerve when I see a helpless victim, in this case an unsupported young woman AND her eight-month-old, and potentially the foetus as well unless there's some kind of circuit-breaker. Her doctor is bound by confidentiality if she self-reports, as well as being obliged to find her the kind of help she needs. If she were to act NOW, and find adequate support and resources, there would be no need for someone to come in later and remove the children... or cart her off to jail because she's killed one or both of them.

I'm sorry we've lost her. She was obviously at breaking point.

Candid wrote:
.... Her doctor is bound by confidentiality ....

Oh!

I didn't know that.

Is it that way in all of the Developed Countries -- the U.S.A., the UK, Western Europe, etc.

Somehow I thought it was the Exact Opposite of what you said -- that Doctors and Nurses are under some Ethical Compulsion to pick up the phone and call the Police and Social Welfare when they can even 'suspect' some kind of 'foul play'. I guess that is what I get for believing Television Shows.

I'm so glad that you mentioned that. It is REALLY SO IMPORTANT, that young mothers can consult Medical Doctors and be assured that they won't thereby lose their child or children to Social Services.

You see, I had been under the same misapprehension as probably many Young Mothers. I was thinking that the Whole System is stacked against them and that if they came forward with anything against themselves, then of course it would be used against them. But that was all wrong. They can feel safe now.

But are you SURE? Isn't there some kind of "For the Safety of the Patient or Others" clause.... a kind of Authoritarian Loophole so that they CAN report a mother to Social Services. I know that a Lawyer's confidentiality is inviolable -- you could go to a lawyer and tell him you are about to poison the drinking supply of an entire Metropolitan City, and the lawyer would be ethically bound to keep mum except for advising you on how not to get caught. But i thought that the Confidentiality of Doctors was full of holes and exceptions. But what do I know?

anyway, it is good we are clarifying this point.

Leo Volont wrote:Somehow I thought it was the Exact Opposite of what you said -- that Doctors and Nurses are under some Ethical Compulsion to pick up the phone and call the Police and Social Welfare when they can even 'suspect' some kind of 'foul play'.

There's mandatory reporting for situations where the patient or client comes out and says she intends to harm herself or someone else, or where the professional has good reason to suspect child abuse. True -- although a search on "toddler beaten to death" will show up plenty of cases where it was more expedient for workers to accept the parent's explanations for bruises and broken bones.

I was not suggesting for one second that our OP was abusive. She was clearly very distressed at what she'd done. I wrote: "Her doctor is bound by confidentiality if she self-reports, as well as being obliged to find her the kind of help she needs." No one wants to take children from their mothers. It's costly (and that's the bottom line for government departments); you may have made a mistake, ie. the kid really is accident-prone, and all the mother needs is an education on home safety; and above all, where do you house the child without creating another, and possibly worse, social problem? So the tendency is for doctors, teachers and other professionals to err on the side of caution -- and of course they have a lot of justifying to do if the child winds up dead and the medical records show how many times, and to how many people, suspicious injuries were presented.

None of this applies to an overwrought young mother who goes to her doctor, says she isn't coping, and asks for support because she's hit her child harder than she should have. The priority of governments (and society) is to keep dependent children with their mothers where possible; it's both healthy and cost-effective. Social Services certainly aren't champing at the bit to snatch children from less-than-ideal parenting. They've permanently got more than they can place in foster homes.

I had been under the same misapprehension as probably many Young Mothers. I was thinking that the Whole System is stacked against them and that if they came forward with anything against themselves, then of course it would be used against them.

Really? The system is stacked against young mothers? I divide my time between England and Australia. In both countries, whose governments see people as a terrific source of revenue, parenthood is well-supported by social security benefits, health care and other concessions, and tax perks. In both places, a dearth of jobs for unskilled young people has made single motherhood a career choice. I eavesdropped on a conversation between two schoolgirls on a bus in England, in which one of them proclaimed she was going to have three children, probably by different fathers, because having babies without a husband would get her a house, medical care, and basically all expenses paid. What she thought she might actually do with her life after being so encumbered didn't enter the picture. At that age she probably envisioned nightclubbing without having to slog off to a job the next day. And at that age, she was certainly capable of getting pregnant. What she didn't have was any clue as to how a dependent baby would clip her wings. Scary stuff.

But are you SURE? Isn't there some kind of "For the Safety of the Patient or Others" clause.... a kind of Authoritarian Loophole so that they CAN report a mother to Social Services.

Of course, anyone can report whatever they like to Social Services. Just don't expect the official vehicle to come screaming to a halt outside the house across the road and a couple of uniformed heavies to strong-arm an infant out of the building. The investigating, checking and red tape will take months, and that's if Social Services takes the report seriously. There's no way they'll take an interest in a well-intentioned young woman who is already in anger management classes, lost control on one occasion, struck her baby, and was so distraught that she went to her doctor, told him what she'd done, and insisted on being referred to someone who could help her. It's clearly NOT a case for mandatory reporting.

It may surprise you to know how many good but exhausted young parents, particularly mothers, harbour homicidal thoughts towards the baby who wails for attention just when the mother has finally wound down enough to be drifting off. This happens when there's a partner to share the load, supportive and understanding family around the corner, financial security, and the baby is a longed-for addition. Lovemychildren21 is in a precarious situation, she got pregnant again before her body had recovered from the first one, and as you rightly pointed out, she's struggling to do it all on her own. No court in the world would remove her children; the obvious solution is to put some support systems in place so she can get on with the job of parenting.

you could go to a lawyer and tell him you are about to poison the drinking supply of an entire Metropolitan City, and the lawyer would be ethically bound to keep mum except for advising you on how not to get caught.

Really? You tempt me to put this to the test.

Dear Candide,

Thank you so much! Why, that was reference grade material, as far as I see it, and so I copied and pasted it into my reference ‘notebook’. Thanks for taking so much time with me. It will definitely help in the future, if this kind of a problem comes up again.

Oh, yes, I know what you mean about how a lot of young women are ‘playing’ the system – having babies because as teenagers in school they think that the Government Subsidies is ‘a lot of’ money. They should teach in schools how much money it takes to break through the Poverty Line, and how much everything costs. The kids simply don’t know. But to what I was referring when I said that the young mothers may feel that the System is ‘stacked against them’ is that they are suspicious of it. They aren’t afraid to use it and ‘play’ it, but, still, they don’t have enough solid knowledge to really trust it. But I may be wrong there. As these young mothers talk to each other, they no doubt learn how far they can push the System and thus they may gain a bit of confidence in their ‘game’ – all the right lies to tell, when it comes to that.

Oh, about the Lawyers. Maybe they do have some Ethical obligation to come forward if a client is about to Nuke New York. But, it still kind of freaks me out that you can actually tell your lawyer that you did it, show him all the evidence, and point to where you buried the body, and after all that, well, ethically speaking, the lawyer is only obliged to give professional legal advice – “No Body means no Crime, so make sure that Body stays buried. If they do find the body, then they will need that murder weapon… what are you saving it for?... memories? And if there are no witnesses, then keep it that way… don’t talk”. Oh! The worst thing about the Legal System is that they have to inform the defense Lawyers about witnesses against their defendant. The Defense Attorney then tells his client who the witnesses are against him – and their addresses of record, giving them the understanding that if the witnesses ‘fail to appear for whatever reason’ then the case against them will fall apart. It’s Horrible! Witnesses are ALWAYS getting killed. If only they could submit an affidavit of their testimony, then all of that slaughter would stop. The ‘right to confront witnesses against them’, well, the defense would still be allowed to poke holes in the witness testimony, and the Prosecution would have to wave its right to re-examine its own witnesses, but it would take away the Necessary Motivation for the Professional Criminal Defendants to Murder or Intimidate witnesses.

Anyway, thanks again.

Oh, and you write beautifully.

Oh, Candide, I meant to mention this before, but I really think that the Young Mother did read our advice, but was probably just a little bit too self-conscious or unsure of herself to give us much of a response. I think that many people who write in are like that, that they will ask for advice, and once getting it, well, they will read it with their fullest attention, but with not having much of an intellectual framework in which to fit it all, i suppose they decide they need to ponder it all for a while, and go off without saying anything in response... probably supposing that they will get back with us later when their thinking has clarified somewhat, but by then, well, they have other things to worry about. But that does not mean that we aren't helping them in a significant way or that these people are not really very grateful.

Well, take care.

Leo Volont wrote:They should teach in schools ...

Don't get me started! I could create a whole curriculum from pre-school onwards that would have nothing to do with all the memory tests and preparation for a life of servitude that goes on now.

it still kind of freaks me out that you can actually tell your lawyer that you did it, show him all the evidence, and point to where you buried the body, and after all that, well, ethically speaking, the lawyer is only obliged to give professional legal advice – “No Body means no Crime, so make sure that Body stays buried.

As I understand it, your lawyer will act for you only if you tell him or her you're not guilty. I don't have much knowledge of the law, and the few times I've been involved in legal matters I've always been impressed by the stupidity of it. To an outsider like me, it really does look like a game in which the lawyers have all the cards.

The worst thing about the Legal System is that they have to inform the defense Lawyers about witnesses against their defendant. The Defense Attorney then tells his client who the witnesses are against him – and their addresses of record, giving them the understanding that if the witnesses ‘fail to appear for whatever reason’ then the case against them will fall apart. It’s Horrible! Witnesses are ALWAYS getting killed.

Ah lord! I'm assisting some people right now who are afraid to put their case in writing because they have reason to believe the person committing the crime will get to them before The Law gets to him -- if it ever does. Meanwhile he goes on intimidating them and cheerfully breaking a number of laws, and making their lives a misery. One of my friends is involved, and I can see the effect it's having on his emotional and physical health.

Oh, and you write beautifully.

Why, thank you, sir! I think the same of your posts, and I always enjoy what you have to say.

Candid wrote:
As I understand it, your lawyer will act for you only if you tell him or her you're not guilty.

Hi Candide,

Oh, that particular clause is all for public relations. The Confidentiality Clause supersedes it in spades. You can give your lawyer full disclosure on every detail and then the lawyer, as part of his legal advice, will say "To represent you, you have to say the words "I am not guilty", and only then can we proceed to clean up the fine mess you have made. If you can point to a single instance of a Lawyer running to a judge and saying that his client had divulged his own guilt, well, it was probably in the context of a disbarment proceedings. Lawyers are worse than Priests! (a funny thing to say, isn't it?)

OP- I know it's been some time since you've posted. I just wanted to send you a note wishing you well. I understand your plight well. NOT that I've been in your situation but I've raised my now 2 year old son with minimal support and a short temper. lol

PLEASE remember that every day is an opportunity for you to grow and love. If you don't like the way you've loved him or treated him today, please do not get down on yourself, just take it as a sign that you must be aware and conscious about not doing that again. You're emotions are like those rumble strips at the side of the road. lol. They don't mean you've failed, just that you are getting off the path!

Also, remember that even toddlers don't have the ability to know what they are doing is 'wrong'. That doesn't come until much later. I'm not saying that to add guilt, but the reason any kind of 'punishment' works is because of the negative association of the outcome, not because they understand.

I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to loose it when my guy wouldn't stop crying or was acting out. I used to call it a "Mommy Tantrum". lol

BUT look at it this way... we expect our children to be adorable and pleasant and happy and content. ...but how many of us ADULTS are that way 100% of the time???? lol Not many. What helped me immensley was empathy. Before I REACTED to what he was doing I would stop and just soak in his mood. his emotions. what was going on? And then I'd choose another action that might actually have a positive outcome. Sometimes he needed help with a toy. Sometimes he was just cranky cause of teething and needed a good snuggle.

I'm telling you- I KNOW IT ISN"T EASY. Believe me. But if you can bring yourself to do one conscious action that will create a better outcome today, and then two tomorrow and so on and so on you will be a much better mother than MOST of the population out there. And just like you forgive him after a meltdown, forgive yourself too.

I will also tell you this... around that age I needed the naps more than he did. I used to walk him in the stroller (a sure fire way to make him sleep) then roll the whole thing in the house and crash on the couch till he woke up. Or driving in the car he's fall asleep...I'd pull into a grocery store parking lot, lock the doors and take an impromptu nap. Just be creative for your own needs.

I won't tell you it does get better- because that still infuriates me to this day. I don't need it in a year, I need relief NOW. But I will tell you he still loves you. And God loves you too. And both of you have to do the same thing- ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL THE LOVE. you are both incredibly worthy!!!

I hope you update us... I'll be thinking of you...