My soul feels tired?

I don't really know if anyone uses this site anymore, I am just more or less needing to get everything I'm going through off my chest and maybe get some advice if anyone out there is listening haha.

Ps.. Sorry about the grammar. I swear I am an intelligent kid.

( it's hard to type when you are crying haha )


Four years ago my mother died of Lupus. Before that I had watcher her for 16 years struggle to give me and my little brother and sister the best life that she could on a government disability pension.

I had been raised to believe in God, to believe that he has a plan for us and that he loves us all that jazz.

So many times people would say God is going to heal my mom, I had so much hope that it would happen..

My dad was never in the picture.. So when my mom was laying in the hospital on life support the doctors came to me because I was the oldest and I had to make a decision weather to keep her on life support or pull the plug. I was 18 at the time. I didn't want to be there at all. One of the people that took me and my brother and sister in while my mom was in the hospital told me I would regret it if I wasn't there at the end.

But I regret being there.

I regret telling the doctors to pull the plug.. I just stood there.. Helpless... watching her try and gasp for breath unconsciously. I don't know why I told them to.. I know there was nothing more that they could have done for her.. I kind of feel selfish in a way, for telling the doctors to pull it.

I had been watching my mom suffer for 16 years.. She was tired. I was tired.

After I saw my mom die in front of me, It changed me.
I had to be strong for my brother and sister. I couldn't grieve because the foster home we got sent too would label me as depressed if I cried. They tried to make me take all kinds of medicine and all I was needing was just to be left alone.. To heal.. But they made it impossible. PLUS they were pastors of a church so I had to basically pretend I didn't blame God for taking my mother away. Otherwise I would be labeled as not only depressed but as a rebellious child who is "falling off the path" or what ever sh** that is.



For the past couple years since my moms death I have been trying to get back on my feet.
Religion has ruined me, My moms death has ruined me, I feel so damn weak because of all the things I have been through, I feel as though my soul is weary of it all. Constantly I feel heavy hearted. Literally.

I can't hold a steady job because I am crushed.

I have been strong for my brother and sister for so long and that my brother and sister are 17 and 19, I am spent.

I am 21 years old and I feel as if my soul is 100.

I know none of this makes sense. I just needed to rant.