HOw do I recover from this and find myself again?

**Posts:** 3 · by **lore011** » Thu Oct 21, 2021 8:28 pm

I had to go back home a few years after College because I couldn't make ends meet. I've been living with a family member for about 2 years while I work from home and save enough to get out for good.
The issue is that it was supposed to only take a year or so but my family member, let's call her Ruth, has brought the worst out of me. It's been hell! SHe stresses me out so much that I started grinding my teeth so much that I lost my 6 front teeth, I have panick attacks when I see her sometimes, my stomach is so torn that there are days I can't even eat or drink anything. SHe keeps pushing my buttons almost every day and has always something nasty to say.
This situation made it harder for me to work and of course, I've not been able to save as much as I wanted. I don't have friends around or anyone I could live with and this is very remote so I don't even have the option to have a job around here.

I feel so powerless that I have developped anger issues and I started to break things like mugs or door knobs out of anger (and no don't worry I'm not a threatening person I just feel a strange comfort in breaking things) and ...yes I agree that's REALLY stupid. I could go running instead but I feel so weak because of all the energy she takes from me that I can't even do that.
I feel guilty to depend on her but that's not a reason to make my life hell.
I've been trying everything from yoga to meditation but nothing works except releasing my emotions through anger. I NEVER EVER was angry before even when extremelly stressed people were around me, but she brings the worst out of me. Of course I'll have to reimburse everything that I broke which in a way, I find unfair as I wouldn't have broken anything and would have stayed a much shorter time if she hadn't sucked all the life out of me.

Fortunatelly I just have a few months left before I can leave.I'm just wondering how I'll be able to recover from this. ANy advice would be greatly appreciated on how to get over the PTSD, find myself again and forgive myself for breaking stuffs in the house. Thank you!

**Posts:** 1123 · by **davidbanner99@** » Thu Oct 21, 2021 8:48 pm

The breaking stuff habit isn't unknown. The answer to your question is probably already known to you. Living with people you are in conflict with simply creates stress. If you can't relocate, the only other option is to try and go out more. The solution I found was to live on a boat so I can live really cheap. I simply burn wood to stay warm. These days boats tend to attract the less economically successful but it's a bolt hole.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Thu Oct 21, 2021 11:41 pm

lore011 wrote:The issue is that it was supposed to only take a year or so but my family member, let's call her Ruth, has brought the worst out of me.

If a person, let’s call her Sarah, is abusive towards me, so then I do stupid s@#t, like I start breaking things, kicking puppies, and kill my neighbor, you are telling me I can just blame Sarah? Sarah is to blame for my behaviors?

I don’t have to take responsibility for how I have chosen to respond to Sarah? I can say that I now have PTSD, because I failed to handle my relationship with Sarah as an adult after college?

That’s not how life works.

My advice is to work on taking personal responsibility for how you have managed the situation. Write down the ways you could have better handled the situation. Learn from your mistakes.

**Posts:** 3 · by **lore011** » Fri Oct 22, 2021 7:58 pm

"That’s not how life works."

Making people sick to that level because they depend on you financially is not how life works!
Breaking mugs leading to killing your neighbors...what? I"m happy to know you never been through this type of emotional/psychological nightmare! Thanks for the feedback Nurse Ratched.

**Posts:** 3 · by **lore011** » Fri Oct 22, 2021 8:00 pm

davidbanner99@

Really good idea, I have to go out on more walks. I can't run but I can walk

THank you!

**Posts:** 1123 · by **davidbanner99@** » Fri Oct 22, 2021 8:32 pm

It's the short-term solution. Maybe find a library or coffee bar and take a book or two. Living with other people isn't always easy. I used to lodge with someone who was extremely territorial in the kitchen. The slightest drop of water caused a backlash. Ultimately you need your own bolthole unless there's a friend you could live with peacefully. I lived in lots of shared places and usually there was real friction. However, with one married couple in a home I settled in fine. We were all harmonious.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Fri Oct 22, 2021 8:38 pm

lore011 wrote: Making people sick to that level because they depend on you financially is not how life works! Breaking mugs leading to killing your neighbors...what? I"m happy to know you never been through this type of emotional/psychological nightmare! Thanks for the feedback Nurse Ratched.

No one forced you to stay. You are an adult that willingly made the choice to live with another adult. You were not trapped. You were not chained or in a prison. In fact, it sounds like you were not even on the lease.

At any moment in time you could have put forth the effort to leave, up to an including being homeless. You are aware that people do choose that option over allowing someone to abuse them, right?

My advise remains the same. Life is going to kick the ever living #@!# out of you until you acknowledge your own role in your current situation. If you don’t, you will be running into “Nurse Ratchets” around every corner.

And if you think about it, why would you want to find yourself again? Your past self, at least in part, is what has led you down this path. In my opinion your quickest path to recovery is to shed your past self, stop blaming others, and look towards how you can improve.

Last, one of your first steps to recover sounds like you should get away from your current environment. Leave. You are an adult, intellectually capable of college level work. You don’t have to stay where you are. It’s your choice.

**Posts:** 1123 · by **davidbanner99@** » Sat Oct 23, 2021 8:26 pm

Not sure what to make of the breaking things, mentioned here. I've come across it already within a family and, in that particular case, the situation ran deeper than just anger. Stuff like TV sets were broken. Psychiatrists then became involved in that family.
It's very difficult to advise in these cases without more background. Is the breaking of stuff just uncontrolled temper or is it a condition? With regard to the family I referred to it went as far as therapy and medication.
I agree it doesn't help to blame others but it does seem too the O.P. is trying to do something about the anger (by trying out meditation).
If it's any comfort I myself do experience terrible anger outbursts that I had to confront and control. The reason I call myself David Banner is for a reason.
Hope things sort out anyway.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Sat Oct 23, 2021 8:41 pm

davidbanner99@ wrote:I agree it doesn't help to blame others but it does seem too the O.P. is trying to do something about the anger (by trying out meditation).

The OP feels powerless. That is much different than actually being powerless. Meditation isn’t going to give the OP any more or less power than they already have. Neither will going on walks.

The OP is a capable adult with misplaced anger. The OP blames others, when they are more than capable of taking charge of their own life. They are not helpless.

**Posts:** 19 · by **RMont25** » Wed Oct 27, 2021 1:26 am

Minimize interactions by leaving the home as much as possible, example is by doing your work at the library or at a coffee shop.

Motivate yourself to work hard and improve your savings until you can move out.

HOw do I recover from this and find myself again?

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