Am I really a borderline or Is it just anxiety?

My life is full of "what if"s..

And I get angry so easily. I even sleep with an angry face which made a huge gap between my eyebrows. Can't fix it somehow

Like I think I found why I was "going hard" on most of my life. I remember my dad was yelling at me all the time if I stop doin what I do. I cant communicate with them. They dont believe me most or just keeping for signs everytime. What should I do? Im tired of goin to pscyhs most of my time. Tired of search of my fears.

If I can I want to help you.

Some of our behaviors we can on our own manage to change or stop exhibiting. There are some actions, some responses that we do that are antisocial and detrimental to our lives yet we can stop doing them on our own with out a doctor with the help of others, be they friends, family or strangers. Now there are other behaviors that may require professional help for us to get rid of them.

If you agree with what I've said and you will listen and make an effort then please tell me a little more about yourself that way I can make recommendations that will be effective in helping you. Again understand that ultimately its up to you to take this advice and use it. You must have the will, the motivation to make the changes you want. Some things you can change on your own with help from friends and family, other behaviors may require you seeking professional help.

So tell me about yourself.

My life started between in a small village of Anatolia and our home. My parents started to leave me to my grandma around my 3-5 i guess. Who is the Queen of whole family. My Dad has 2 more brother and 1 sister. And Dad is kinda slave for his mother. I guess he hit me there first time because of my fail I guess. -I was going to get into details more but stopped myself by a feeling of being to detailist and its negative sides. Now thinking If it's just a rumour.- And most of bad things started there.

My parents was fighting many times. Mostly for money stuff. -Or Am I?- I was a bit trouble child. Was active. -I don't think it was hyperactivity. I was just happy. Oh. that remind me one of my forgotten happy memories.- Like a normal child. But their fights ruined me. My mum was a weak person. But very strong inside. She always wants people's well. Dad only lives and lets die.

So I was always between 2 different polarity. Mum was saying "dont hit to your friends", dad was yelling "why didnt you hit". And I was not wanting to hurt him but also wanted to get into the ride in the park. So was defending myself. Like a normal people.

They were both teachers. Dad is manager actually. And also arranged marriage. And was comparing me with my big and only brother. 9 years difference. And he was working all the time. Very successful student and engineer... Dad was always the bad cop. Mum good. I was like their showcase. "Ahahah, our boy knows karate too now". And ghosting me. I remember many times he came in to cafe and take me out from my ears many times in front of my friends. And strong speeches of my dad after our fights... He was just giving advice about the things. Mum was at my side all the time. She can easily make empathy. Sometimes we fight with her too but hug and kiss after all of them always.

At our home I have not much rights. Now maybe a bit. My brother was under the light most of the time. His university, beeing a worker bee. Discipline "which I dont have". Success... And I was just living life with playing games all the time. Almost every teacher of me was telling my parents that but I am a bit different from the other people. After my low points meeting.

I wanted to be an artist. I wasn't like to write or read. -Once I started to like at my 7s. My teacher was so kind and gave me the courage well.- But when I get back to home, dad only yells why I dont exercise. And yes I started to give them fake promises to make them do something. Like buying stuffs. Like go to play. I was free at the village. I can remember that days too yes. But the bad ones are getting heavy sometimes. I could have a discipline too. I started to learn my guitar at my 15s by myself. Parents didn't wanted to make me a musician. So nor sent me to a music school. I was going to be a lawyer? A doc? They was giving the decision always. I had to be like my brother. I had to be strong. Fast.

See? I cant get to the point. Thing goes and goes. Cant decide anything. Have a huge fear of fail. Losing. I couldnt hit after that day anymore. I was fearing of being hurt myself or him or fail the punch. I couldnt defend myself.

At high-school I induced my mum to buy an electro guitar for a price to pass my year. I barely could of course. Because I was busy with sleeping, gaming and guitar. I got my first band. I took the taste of playing with others there. It was cool. Then second one. Things was getting serious. We were gonna take our first gig. Everything was behind my family. They are not good with arts. Dad especially. Was asking me If I use drugs after me started to anti depressants first time at my 16s. They were the one who took me to the doctor..

A dizziness started. Heart rate. -Now I realise it was the same feel after get beaten by a boy on my 13s. The reason was 'looking' I was looking behind for nothing some time. Like checking if someones following? Might be just pretending like an agent too.- Panic. Im gonna make mistake. Oh what if I? Heres first mistake. I am not gonna do it. I cant. People there. Calmed down after 3-4 songs I guess.

There was a gig which I got bullied about a girl I guess. And there was a fight started after a while. My band members was fighting. I had to get in too. But was too afraid to get beaten. I tried to fight with that. Also alcohol was a bit helping. -Not much maybe nothing I purely remember- I put my guitar to side and started to run. I was just running. Had no target. Just started to that but In a shock. "Oh Im making this". Physics was out of control again. I jumped and punched someone. It must be a bit hard. Some blood started to came from his ears. Everyone started to get scared a bit. Fights over. It was his earrings I guess btw. So I had my honor back. I was just happy to beat someone.



Those times was realy good. I had friends. Was in a society. Having gigs. And yes i was both smoking and drinking. So sex&drugs&rocknroll. But also working for my goals too. Like practicing. Making rehearsal. So it was with love. Then parents started to be tight again when university exams comes. Private lessons of years. Useless times of extra schools. I remember once my dad raided to my friends place while we were drinking and barbecuing with his FAMILY. And took me out of there. Even his uncle tried to talk with dad. Was shameful.

Anyway.. After long fights. I convinced them to send me to courses for music exams by pretend studying for teachering.
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I had that note since you wrote. Was gonna post it but couldnt write the rest. And only I see is theres a looong mail about just 1 point. And gf texted today. after a while. thats another spear for me since I've met borderline or bipolarline sh**. I wassnt picking up her phones

Anyway. When I was thinking about my obsession to my girlfriend, she started to call. I didnt picked up for days. She wrote few days ago. I was confused inside. Anwered with ssomethinss weird. 2 days ago she finally said somethings obvious but...
I have anger. Im on the coaster again. Miss her. Hate her. Love her. When Im with her Im okay. Thats not okay. But I guess I cant stay alone. Im alone right now. Today. Mostly thinked about suicide. And her. To push it to her.

Its deep again.