Michael090293 wrote:What can I do about this problem?
Hey Michael,
let me assure you there is hope.
I never considered myself ugly, but I stayed a male for long past your age, and not having
a girlfriend and feeling lonely largely influenced my life's journey.
I hope you don't mind and agree that problems should be addressed rationally, not to say logically.
So I will skip the part where I say things like "you are beautiful no matter what they say" (I hate that line) or how i feel for you, as it buys you nothing.
So let's start:
1. Many ugly (poor, handicapped, stupid etc.) but otherwise average (ie. not rich or famous) people have relationships. So, being ugly or otherwise imperfect can't logically be the ultimate reason for not finding a partner and being accepted by others. Else, simply ALL ugly people would 100% strictly be single and unhappy, right?
2. How you look ism't really what troubles you. It's not having a girlfriend and others picking on you.
3. So the good news is: What you need to work on is not your looks (which is at best costly and painful) but what those other challenged people are doing differently from what you are doing.
So what are they doing differently?
It is how the feel and act.
How you generally feels is most likely determined by how you grew up as a child.
You acquired the behavioral patterns and beliefs you have now. These emotional things are relatively hard to change, but still not carved in stone.
My approach was and is reason.
If you silence the bad feelings for one minute and look at things clearly, this is what you could conclude:
1. You were born this way and you never harmed anyone, so YOU did nothing wrong.
2. Those bullying you gain amusement, group acceptance and most of all a perceived higher OWN value from
humiliating you, disregarding your emotional costs. So it is actually them who have a problem, namely character flaws.
And they are not even aware of it. So, you have something ahead of those. You could even pitty them for a second,
but only to realize this fact, not to do their mistake (of bathing in the weakness of others for a momentary relief) yourself.
3. What do women find attractive? Since we are all still animals when it comes to finding a partner, it must be whatever
helped our ancestors survive AND breed healthy, surviving children.
It should be obvious that a healthy, strong body was good for survival. This is why women like tall and strong men for example. But less obvious, social strength was even more important. A physically weak (or ugly!) man who made others support and follow him even had more chances to survive than a strong man with no friends or supporters.
So your aim should be to improve your social skills.
I can assure you this is the key, and also that it easier than you might think right now.
So what can you do?
1. Stop behaving like a victim. While you might still feel bad inside when being humiliated, take it with a smile.
2. Communicate. Take ANY opportunity to share a smile or a compliment or even just a comment (no, I dont mean on Facebook - I mean in reality). You see somebody with a cool tshirt? Tell him.
Don't hesitate asking somebody for the time, the way to the next gym, or the best way to the Eifel Tower, which is fun!.
Start small here, which is how it starts anyway, but consciously watch yourself and how good even the smallest baby steps feel.
3. Communicate non verbally. Look into peoples eyes and hold it. Hold it longer than you you usually feel comfortable with - but not longer than the other person might be comfortable with (ie. dont stare!). Use your hands while speaking. Start with 1 thumb up, then stuff like locking your mouth with an imaginative key, there are many things. I just googled "hand-gestures" and found loadsa sites in seconds. Or try googling "social skills".
Walk and stand tall, put your shoulders back as if you want to hold a piece of paper between your shoulder blades.
4. Do sports as much as you can. This floods you with positive hormones and gets rid of the negative ones. It's pure chemistry.
I hope you see these are easy, practical tips, not just "believe in yourself" or "be more positive" advises - which never worked for me.
It's the practical advises that made me believe in myself and gave me hope and optimism.
There is of course much more, and there are millions of others like you - I was one of them.
You should be able to find forums to exchange with other guys in your situation.
Good luck!