Hello,
I am a 22 year old boy. I have been struggling with some problems regarding porn and masturbation for about 10 years. When I was 12, at a confession at church, I told the priest that I had masturbated. He told me that I shall stop immediately or else it would be very bad for me. This has got engraved into my mind so deep that even if I acknowledge the fact that masturbation is not harmful, I can still not feel that way and I end up feeling like a guilty looser after every time I'm doing it. I mostly feel guilty because I think that I could have done something else in that time instead of masturbating. Basically, my sexual education was porn and I regret this very much. But now I don't desire porn anymore. I watch it sometimes, but I feel the strong need of touching another person's skin, looking into their eyes and all the things that make an intimate connection between two people. I have had two girlfriends so far, whom I didn't sleep with (so I'm a virgin), only had some other sexual experiences and I felt guilty even after those. I would like to get a girlfriend and begin my sexual life, but I find it extremely hard because I'm not the type of "bad guy" that most girls are looking for (although I don't know why, because I believe I am a fun person to be around, I just don't smoke, drink or enjoy low-quality music), so my option for now is masturbation, but I am confident that I will eventually get to find a girl whom I will love and have sex with. It's only that I'm asking myself whether the guilt will be present even then.
So my question for you is what do you think I should do in order to get rid of this guilt and the false things that are in my mindset? Should I not watch porn anymore? Should I give up masturbation? I would like to be an open and fun person, but the fear, the guilt, the anxiety stop me from being one (at least in my opinion). How can I develop a sense of self so that no guilt and doubts have place in my life?
Thank you