Hi,
As the thread title states, I have serious issues in dealing with losing. Losing in what exactly? Anything I care about. If I lose in something that does not interest me, nor does not have my respect as being important etc, I`m a calm and happy loser.
I gamble, I play console games, I have a job where argumenting and negotiating has a huge role, I do sports, I`m interested in about any field of science you can name, I also compose music. If I lose in any of those fields or lose my face for example, I get extremely angry. These are just examples, whatever I consider something worth of respect and importance fits in there. I also consider myself very good in all of those fields.
I never rage or intentionally show it if I`m around people but you can definitely see it in my face that I`m doing my best not to burst. If I`m alone and experience it, I nearly always burst into this insane rampage. I hit walls of my house, I scream of anger until I lose my voice, you name it.
I`m deeply ashamed of this feature in me, and even tough I would not go into rampage, it has a serious effect in my life.
For example most serious field is gambling; I`m a complusive gambler. I lose lots of money. Most of my losses happen after I get angry about losing a small amount of money. When I`m angry, I experience this certain loss of self control. In gambling it results to serious losses because I will not quit until I`m calm or broke.
In work I can`t fail, but it drives me into better results, because when the pressure gets tough, I`m the last person to give up. It also works out for me in sports, and console games, but it makes me feel really consumed and definitely not happy.
I`m a logical thinker, and have been analyzing my own behaviour for a while, and also done some research. It`s very hard to know what this is about however, because nothing really fits in, and asserting myself can also lead into deceiving myself.
If I categorize myself as a narcist, that fails because I lack the major part of the personality traits involved, atleast according to all the tests you can find.
If I categorize myself as having a low self esteem, it fails because I`m happy with who I am and I would say I have been successful in life.
I don`t want to get angry, and it`s really not in balance with the rest of who I am as a human being. I want to do good to people, I`m generally the happiest person in the room, and me having a bad day is really rare. It just does not fit in, and I want to get rid of it.
You guys have a clue what this could be about and how to take care of it?