I have a lot of problems.

Like the title says, I have a lot of problems, not even real ones. I can't help thinking that there must be something wrong with me, because I beat myself up over every little thing.

I'm 15 years old. I shouldn't even be thinking about these things, but my head just continuously whirls around and arorund them. I'm sorry for clogging up this forum with my useless post. I've been searching for a place to vent to all night. Maybe I can find someone to help me on here. I hope so. I can never recieve any valid ideas or theories.

A lot of it started when my best friend claimed I was an angel, or an angelkin or something back in 8th grade. Now, I never believed it. It's a ridiculous theory to me (I believe in that type of stuff in other people, I guess, but calling myself anything above ordinary, slapping some sort of 'special' title on myself never appealed much to me). It made me want to become a better person for some reason. I had been somewhat tough, outgoing, a little annoying and loud. Quickly, unsettlingly so I quieted down. I used to perform on stage without a sweat. I developed stage fright. I used to develop insults left and right. I couldn't (and still can't) even joke about stuff like that anymore without a guilty knot forming in my stomach.

Fast forward about a year. Ninth grade, I was happy with myself, I thought I was a generally nice, good person. People liked me for the first time in years (considering how I grew up as the 'weird girl' for the longest time). Being an artist, I never once had to use art as an outlet, unless I wanted to create something about how happy I wanted to make people. I was completely concerned with helping others, making them happy, just smiling in hopes that it would perhaps make someone's day. I liked myself. I was glad of who I grew up to be. My best friend and didn't argue for months at a time, which is a track record for us.

Fast forward another year. To the span between a few months ago and now. I hate myself. I don't know what it is. I just feel fake to myself, although I don't want to. I've broken down numerous times because I can't be good enough. I pray to God every night that I can be better. That I can work harder to make other people happy. I get paranoid. Maybe I annoy the people I talk to. Maybe I said the wrong thing. What if I hurt someone by saying something? What if I looked at that person wrong? I even dislike talking about myself for the most part. Even this post kills me. I feel like I've put too many 'I's' in here.

I feel all wrong. Every thing was perfectly fine until a few months ago. I got my heart broken twice in a two week period. I was a wreck, selfishly only thinking of my happiness. I got into the biggest fight I ever had been in with my friend. She called me a cardboard box with a pretty face painted on it. I feel like I have a cardboard personality. It kills me. After that month I haven't been the same, worrying about every little thing. Feelings for my ex came back. I'm with someone else. That kills me. I can't help my friend properly get over his own social anxiety. Nothing I say or do works. That kills me.

I try to smile and go along with the norms of every day society. But people find out. I don't know when to keep my mouth shut. If I'm upset, people know because I tell them. I immediately regret that. My personality contradicts itself. I'm either quiet and reserved, or just spill my feelings about everything. I don't want to. A lot of the time I don't even have anything to be upset about. Just little spurs of the moment, like right after a heated argument with someone.

I come off as optimistic, with faith in humanity. Naive. Innocent. People believe that. I guess I can be to an extent. But I feel so deep in my own emotion. I don't like to let anyone know exactly what I feel like, because no one gets it. They like to pretend they do, but they never really will. I don't want people to feel that they shouldn't tell me things or ask me for help because I have so many own personal problems. I want them to come to me and dump everything on me. I want for people to forget their own problems and know that theres always someone there. It's hard to handle but I still want to take it.

I want to be selfless and just better. I don't hate my aspiration. I hate my inability. I don't even know if there's anything wrong with me. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm confused. I feel like this post is just me trying to talk myself up. Make myself look better. More caring. The reality of it is that I'm just horrible.

People will never know about any of this anyway. I'm just another name on the internet.

There's a lot more to this entire story. but these are the basics. Sorry for my novel, anyone who decided to endure that. Thank you for reading, if you did.