Hi everyone, I am new to the forum and I've had this problem for quite a while now and I'm not sure where to start so here it goes.
I have no self esteem, I think very low of myself and I just can't stand myself most of the time. I tend to put those I care about or want to see happy before myself. I go the extra mile all the time and jump thru hoops to make those people happy.
When I'm in a relationship, I'm the best partner I can be! Constantly doing things for that person with no stop because it makes me feel good. I have been doing this my whole life and didn't have a problem with it, even if that person left my life I'm ok with it. As long as they got something positive from me I was happy. Now here's where it starts to get screwy.
When I was younger and in a relationship, I felt bad when a girl would tell me they liked me or were in love with me, stuff around those lines, and I had to break the news to them I was in a relationship still. And I've been one woman man for a long time. Fast forward to now.
When I'm not in a relationship, it's not like I'm out trying to "score" I know that's a common thing with men but it's not like that. Truth be told I like kissing over sex, and just the physical aspect of being with and there for that person. Idk but I just do. And when a girl and I hit it off we'll kiss and just have a wonderful night together and I'm able to salvage it before it goes any further. Sometimes we continue to see each other but I get to take them out and treat them and see them smile and have fun. And sometimes I'm doing that with multiple women without being exclusive with anyone. And 90% of the time it does not lead to sex.
But I know that's wrong because that can mislead them into thinking there maybe a life together beyond that night. And sometimes there is, and I choose to go steady with one woman. But then I feel bad about all the other ones. Like I said sometimes I'm able to turn it into a friendship and have it not go beyond anything pass kissing. Then I'm with that one woman, going steady now for a while until I see another girl who is just not having a good time and she looks like she hasn't smiled in a year.
So I start talking to her, make a new friend and then we'll kiss and I feel so guilty about it, as I should, and I end up hurting two women in the process. And I hate to admit it but there have been times it goes beyond kissing and for that I hate myself even more. And the most screwed up part of all of this is I can't seem to stop and I don't know why.
Now some of you might say, it's a typical guy thing and I'm just a player, but I don't feel like a player. I feel like a jerk and that's putting it lightly since there's no cursing in this forum. I don't brag about women ive hooked up with or anything like that and I never kiss and tell. And I genuinely feel bad for the pain I cause everyone, which is another reason why I try hard to not sleep with anyone but lust and temptation seem to just get the best of me Everytime.
I feel so bad about it all and I keep telling myself I'm doing more harm than good here, but I just can't seem to stop. I've never been the type to sleep with someone and just walk away unharmed, it doesn't work that way for me. If it did I wouldn't be posting on here. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I want to go that extra mile in making people just smile and have a good time, with nothing expected in return. I want to make them feel good about themselves because maybe it'll help them. But sometimes they fall for me and i just made it worse. I really want to just stop and not do this anymore. But idk what internal thing that causes me to do this or why I act this way. I know I'll get the typical hate comments but if there's anyone that can even begin to see it from where I'm standing or has some good advice or diagnosis it'd be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for all who took the time to read this and God bless.