Why I must quit weed for good.

So why must I quit?

I know to quit, you need a reason for doing so. Whilst there are millions of reasons for quitting, over the last few weeks I have come up with the ten biggest reasons for me to quit.

1) To move on. Im just going round in circles now and have been for years. A lot of the stuff I am writing in this post has appeared in numerous other ones that I have made. I need to break this boring and predictable cycle. Its almost as if i know i can quit, but I am just teasing myself, perhaps thinking that if I didnt have my weed to quit, then I could have no other excuses. Holding on to it, just in case things dont work out, then I can always play the 'well things will be ok when I quit weed' card. Covering my bets almost. If things work out for me whilst im smoking, great, but if they dont, well I have that excuse to fall back on. No more. I need to break the cycle.

2) Health. I hate smoking. I dont consider myself a smoker (though probably still have some sort of a tobacco addiction due to mixing). My health is poor. Im very stiff from always sitting and doing little. Brief attempts at getting fit of always ended in failure. Exercise and smoking weed just dont go hand in hand for me. After a bad day, or even a a good day, it is so much easier to skin up a spliff than do some time on a bike, swim, do weights, go for a run etc. But once the spliff is smoked, any chance of exercising later on are out of the window. I want to give my lungs the chance to heal, not smell of smoke, and have that healthy glow back about me, rather than the stoned grey look. Even if I do eat healthy, and get some sort of exercise routine going, as long as I continue to smoke its just taking one step forward, then another two back.

3) Mental health. Clarity of mind. Clear thinking. That feeling where I have nothing to hide. No limits to what I can or cant do today. Freedom to go out and do what I want, think what i want to think, without constantly analysing things, or living life by the rules my stoned self has set in my head.

4) Pursuing other interests. I have plenty. Loads of things interest me. Simple things. Reading, learning, yoga, soccer, fitness, cooking. I have many interests, though they all take a back seat to smoking. I do little more than dabble in and out, yet if i put as much effort into any of these things as i did with my smoking i would do well at them. And would also get some sort of pride back. I would go to bed knowing that the day wasnt wasted trapped in my own stoned thoughts. Many of these things are things to be done on my own anyway. So thats the strange thing, no one else would know! Nobody would have any idea if I was sat in my room meditating and practicing breathing exercises, or if i was sat up there smoking a bong and watching trash on TV. The only person who would know is me. Yet somehow, over the years, I have managed to engrave into my mind that sitting alone in a peaceful healthy state reading a book is a terrible sin, yet lying there in an awkward useless stoned state is an acceptable past time?

5) Time. Time will almost double. No rush to get everything done so I can go into smoking time. I always seem to be racing against the clock, but can never figure out why? I never seem to be doing anything, yet have so little time to do it. This is because once i am stoned, the time is written off. There is nothing I can do then, it is as if the day has ended, and I will have to wait for the next one. And sometimes this can happen very early on, no wonder I never seem to have the time to get anything done.

6) Money. Its getting expensive now to smoke. Green has gone up to a silly price, considering it is probably grown over here, and is often poor quality and sprayed with crap to make it weigh more. Then there is all the lighters, skins and tobacco that comes with it. I can think of plenty of things I would rather be spending the money on.

7)The running out scenario. The panic when the stash is getting low, worrying where the next bag will come from. Then running out. Feeling as if the world has ended, that I may as well not be alive. Having to mither people to get some for me. The shame of ringing up someone, asking how they are, but really only interested in borrowing some of there green, I wont miss doing that at all.

Its no fun anymore. I have gone from being a kid hanging out with others, smoking, getting high, giggling, laughing at nothing, smoking too much, throwing a whitey, to being an adult who stays in his room and smokes alone and watches crap on telly, wasting away the hours. I would never have smoked it back then if they were the effects. Im chasing a high that just isnt there anymore. It makes social situations a long drawn out terrifying ordeal, it makes me up tight and anxious, scared to speak, not a giggly fun to be around person, or a laid back hippy type.

9) Its made me reclusive. More so than ever. Its just not doing me any good anymore. If I dont stop now I dont know what i will be like in four or five years time. Making excuses to be alone, just so I can smoke. Pretending to have work to do, just so I can smoke. I cant carry on like that.

10) Achievement. I have this negativity about me at the moment. And it comes from failure. I keep saying I am going to quit, but never do. And it kind of snowballs into other things, and I never see them out either. I want some self respect back. Some pride. I want to achieve something that I said I would. I want to know that i control my mind again, and that my mind doesnt control me, by constantly tricking me back into doing something that I want to leave behind. I want some positivity back, that you get from accomplishing something, then the positivity can snowball into other aspects of my life.

tdc.....

You break it all down perfectly.
I agree with everything you've written. Sounds to me like its your time to end this destructive cycle.

I'm in the same boat, in that, I recognise/acknoledge the endless negatives of smoking, but still cant leave it behind despite it being over 3yrs since admitted I'm addicted

Best of luck friend
Robbie

So why have I failed in the past?

There is nothing new on that list, nothing revolutionary, no sudden realisations. They are all valid points, and sound reasons why I must quit. But they have appeared in posts of mine in the past, almost all of them have popped up in different quit threads, or journals that I have kept at home.

Reading them all back just then it seems so obvious that I must quit. But in truth I have rarely made it past 7 or 8 days, often less. In the past year I have had about 12-14 genuine quit attempts. Some I have documented, then after the constant failure it became a bit of a joke, so i stopped documenting it. But each time was genuine, I really meant it, just as I do now, so why have i failed in the past?

These are my main reasons for failing in the past. Most of the reasons are only there because I smoked. It is the years of being in this habit that has led to the problems when trying to quit it. While the smoking is the cause of all these problems, what tends to happen is that it becomes the short term answer to relieving them when they pop up, hence the many failed quit attempts.

1) Boredom. This one has got me plenty of times. I quit, get a few days in, then just find myself sat around with nothing to do. Just bored. Cant face the rubbish I would usually be watching on telly. Dont fancy doing any of those things I always said I would when I quit. I have found that where I have blamed weed for lack of motivation in the past, just quitting it isnt the answer to getting it back. I wont suddenly jump into being a reader or a keen cook, I have to work on it, and work hard. Basically i have spent the last few years doing very little when stoned,mainly at nights, but being in a stoned state, have spent little time noticing how little I am doing, feeling no boredom, and just being glad to have nothing to do as I am so stoned I wouldnt be able to manage it anyway. Once quitting it changes, I am still doing nothing, exactly as I was doing nothing before, but this time I am aware of it, and I dont like it. This is where my mind has run wild before, the smoking side trying to trick me back. Trying to justify it with thoughts like, 'well im sat here doing absolutely nothing anyway, I may as well be stoned'. I need to find other stuff to do, keep busy, give it chance for the stoned thinking to go away. I have caved in way too easily in the past. The first sign of boredom and i have been back out to get a bag.

2) Loneliness. Again this is all my own doing. I have hidden away so I can smoke alone as that is how I preferred it. I have gone out of my way to not get invited to things, and just keep out of the way of any awkward (only awkward when stoned) situations. When stoned I have never noticed this loneliness, am i glad the phone hasnt rung, I am glad to have nowhere to go and nothing to do. But once I quit, then I start to notice. I notice how people dont phone me, no one seems to care how I am, how I wish i had some sort of a relationship, someone to share my life with and to be honest that can get me down. After all that time wanting to be on my own, the things that gets me most, and often leads me back to smoking is being on my own. What I have to get into my head is that it isnt a bad thing to be on my own, and I can use the time for good things, things that I have always wanted to do, personal interests and hobbies, I dont have to sit there mourning, I am allowed to do other things that I enjoy. If I do that, gradually the other side of things, the going out more, the doing things, meeting people etc will snowball. As I will have no reason to hide, I will gradually find myself out more, it will happen gradually and naturally. Im not just going to go from a hideaway stoner to life and soul of the party in a week, and neither would I want to! But for now, I need to get over the loneliness I have created, realise nothing has changed, and spend the time I do find myself alone doing things that I have always wanted to do.

3) Fear of change. Whilst I am obviously not happy with smoking most of the time, at there same time I am in some sort of comfort zone. An uncomfortable comfort zone if you like. I mean I dont cause any trouble, have no enemies, am not aware of anybody hating me, and have never wronged anyone (its pretty hard to when you are stuck inside your room all day!!). But i have this irrational fear, that if i stop smoking, i will suddenly become a bad person. A cocky, arrogant, full of himself person and that friends and family will start to hate me, and I will find myself even lonelier than i am now. I fear losing everything that I have got. It seems like a gamble sometimes. Do I risk this cosy coasting along doing no harm to anyone keeping myself to myself stoner life, for turning into something else?! Its a strange fear, its not so much the fear of failure, more the fear of success.

When I think all that through its crazy. Its just typical paranoid stoner think. Worrying about what everybody else will think of me. Worrying that people wont like me as much if i do something that I have always wanted to do. Its completely irrational, quite how I will suddenly become an arrogant nasty fool who treats all his nearest and dearest likes crap is beyond me. When I read this back in a years time, I really do hope that I am laughing out loud at the ridiculousness of this fear!!!

I am in this for me now. And I want to quit.

4) Habit. When you are a full time smoker it becomes not just a habit, but a lifestyle. The whole day is centred around the smoke at the end of it. Whatever happens during the day doesnt matter if there is weed there at the end of it. It becomes what you are. However much i dont like it, however much i try to hide it, it is just there. Thousands of triggers, going round to friends houses i think of the smoking more than the actual visit, holidays think of smoking on the beach, the summertime remind me of the light nights and smoking outside, the winter reminds me of the dark evenings and the smoking out of my window, or going out on a crisp cold morning for a spliff. Finishing a meal im thinking about a spliff rather than dessert, being angry i think of a spliff to calm me down, being happy i think of a smoke to lift my mood further, a good program to watch means a good spliff to be smoked first. Basically, I have smoked it for so long that almost everything is associated with smoking, and everything is a trigger.

This is just habit, and it will go. Lots of people who come back and post after a long time off weed state how little they actually think about it. This has been the problem for me in the past, for the first week or so, even if I am not smoking it, I am constantly thinking about it. I need to let more time pass, fight the early triggers, and slowly let it drop out of my mind, until i no longer think about it, am no longer trapped, and will then have no desire to go back.

5) False security and the lure of moderation. This has got me many a time. Quit weed, follow a healthy lifestyle, then after a week of so, some of the main reasons for quitting, the bad chest, the grey pale look, feeling lethargic and lousy have all cleared up. In a week, a week of exercise and healthy eating and im feeling great. This has led me to think in the past, 'well one little spliff wont hurt me', seeing it as some kind of a reward, which makes no sense at all. Thinking that i will then go on and do another week, and feel just as good in a weeks time. But it is all mind games. Once your mind has tricked you into having that one, it will get you again, and again, and again, until you have been smoking everyday for the last three weeks and feel like quitting again. Moderation is just a trap, it is possible, but not if you have to force yourself to do it. I can moderate drink, but not weed. I have beer in the fridge that I can drink as and when, it can sit there for weeks and months sometimes. If I have weed in the draw though I smoke it, everyday, whenever possible I smoke it, I cannot moderate.

6) The big deal out of nothing. I can admit to myself that i cannot moderate, i know that it leads back to where I dont want to be. But when i see other people smoking it, seemingly enjoying it, again I start to try and rationalise. Thinking 'whats the big deal'? 'Its only a spliff? Why am i making out I am some sort of drug addict who cant ever touch the stuff again for fear of relapse?'. Again this is just mind games, another trick of the mind to get me back into smoking again. All it needs to do is get me to smoke one, and then it has won.

The fact is, to me, it is a big deal. To others it is probably nothing. But I know, if I smoke, sooner or later, I will be back smoking regularly, and i dont even like it. It will just put me back into full time smoking. I dont have to go round constantly telling everyone in public about my battle, or make out to everyone that I can never touch it again. I just have to know it in my own mind, that to me personally, a little bit on a spliff is a big deal.

7) Nicotine addiction. I consider myself a non smoker who quit cigarettes over ten years ago. But in truth am i still as much as a smoker as I ever was. Just because there is weed in there too, doesnt mean the tobacco will go away and have no effects. This is why it is important to never try to moderate, and another reason why I cant moderate. I am still harboring some sort of a tobacco addiction, and whilst cannabis isnt physically addictive, nicotine is. So once I try to have that 'just one spilff', I am once again triggering my niccotine addiction, and am fighting two addictions at once. Once my body gets a taste of it again, it wants more. Sometimes I wonder if I am just fighting a nicotine addiction.

The boredom/loneliness/habbit and triggers lead me back to the weed, the weed leads me to the nicotine, then the whole thing starts again and im back smoking regularly.

tbc......

Well thats it. Thats why I must quit, and why I have failed in the past. I apologise for the long thread. Some may wish to read it, I have got plenty of encouragement from reading and following the stories of others in the same boat from around the world, though it is very long, and I wouldnt expect everybody to! I have followed lots of stories in the past, and they all help. Its great when old timers come back and post about the benefits, that is what I intend to do now.

Basically its there as a point of reference for myself. A starting point. That is pretty much where I am, and what I am feeling right now, on August 1st 2008. And that is where this forum is great,coming back, reading your thoughts, seeing how you felt at different stages. Reading all my old threads back made me realise that I have to change, it has also helped in making my realise why i havent been able to do so, and what needs to be done differently to succeed this time round.

I know now that it isnt just a case of stop somking and everything will be wonderful. I know it takes hard work, and plenty of re-wiring of the way i think, getting into good healthy habits, and then just let time work its magic. I know if i just sit here doing nothing, feeling sorry for myself then i will be back smoking.

I intend to update as and when, for myself, and for others who are in a similar boat. And that is another great thing about the forum. Reading about people going through similar situations. As amongst friends, it is hard to admit to feeling like this. Few people ever admit to not liking smoking. Its kind of a hidden rule. If you smoke it, you have to go along with the line that smoking is great. Even people I knew that quit, never really admitted that it was bothering them, holding them back, affecting there lives in a negative way, they just quit.

Here, when you are anonymous, you can write how weed truly makes you feel, and seeing so many people with similar stories to tell makes me realise that I am not making a big deal or kicking up a fuss over nothing, that I am not alone, and that I can kick what is now nothing more than a bad habit.

Hi time_2_change,

Thanks for the post. Good luck for when you decide to quit. I think i am ready now . In truth I have been ready to quit for years, but one thing or another has always dragged me back.

One thing i do realise now, is that once the thoughts of quitting start creeping in, they never go away again.

All the best!

Yackety, never feel bad for writing your thoughts and feelings, your post is great and it´s as if you are reading my mind and feelings, it´s just that i´m a bit older than u (36) began 20 years ago.
I´m on day 2, and my mind says weed, weed, weed, i don´t feel sleepless or not hungry, I was close to smoking some a minute ago, but reading your post made me think again, and i don´t wanna screw my efforts away, hey yackety, let´s go 2gether with this, imean we´re some serious adiccted stoners, quitting would be like a miracle, but the fact that i know that there´s a couple of harcore chronics like us who are quitting pretty much the same date encourages me and strenghtens my will.
Right now i crave for a smoke of my homegrown sensi, but i know I´d get a uncomfortable paranoid high, and i guess that happened to you lately, and that´s because our subconcious mind wants out so badly that literally causes a "short circuit" with our conscious mind (that wants to get high)
So eventhough i crave a joint like crazy, for sure if i did i´d get an unpleasant-paranoid-nonstoptrashthinking-unhealthy-lazy-defeated, high, imean, why keep smoking when the high is always a nightmare???, only humans can be that stupid!!!.

Hi mountain warrior,

Glad you are quitting too, I wish you all the best on doing so.

I know exactly the kind of high you describe. The guilty paranoid one. That is what it has been like for me for the last few years. Even after the first five years of smoking when I was still doing it, despite not getting that buzz that you get when you first start out smoking, the one that never comes back, I never used to get any guilt.

More recently though, as soon as i finish a spliff I am hit with a guilt instead of a relaxing high, the only way to get rid of the initial guilt had been to carry on smoking. Its cazy when you put it in words and read it back! The answer is so obvious, dont smoke!!


Did my day one yesterday. Wasnt too hard as i was obviously pretty fired up to complete it having wrote all that yesterday. Trying to make a point of getting up as early as possible, and getting some exercise in for the first few days, try to avoid the sleepless sweaty nights as best as possible. Just want to get a few days under my belt for now, I can start working on everything else after, just want to get the run going first!

Well I have completed my first three days and have now woken up to the start of day four. The first three were weekend days, days where I would smoke more than any others, so it is good to have those out of the way first.

I have spent two of the days out, both times with weed available and being smoked in front of me, and one day at home alone. To be honest it was the day alone I found the hardest. When it was being smoked in front of me I felt no real urges.

I didnt want to borrow any, or just take a few drags. I have it well in my head now that just one puff will lead to full blown smoking again. So I dont even think of it as having just that one. I ask myself 'do I want to start smoking all day every day and have to quit again?', rather than 'do I just want to smoke this one joint'. And find it much easier to say no to the first question.

The day alone, which was day two was tougher though. The loneliness and boredom crept in. They would usually be the days I would relish smoking, no one to disturb me, no one to bother me or talk to me. Just smoke the day away.

I had an almost identical day to the saturday before. I watched a bit of telly, cooked a bit of food, did a few little jobs,went out in the garden for a bit, nothing serious, just coasted through the day. The difference being the saturday before, in between each little job or 'busy' time, I skinned up and smoked. I filled the time between doing things with being stoned. This saturday i didnt, I filled it with nothing, just thinking about being stoned.

That was it, two identical days. The only difference being eight to ten spliffs, smoked throughout the day, therefore killing time in between. That is all I have been doing, killing time. Yet when the time isnt killed I feel strange, like something is wrong. Lonely perhaps, almost certainly bored. Nothing has changed except my state of mind, everything else had stayed the same.

I guess this is just purely out of habit. And with some effort on my part, and the natural healing power of time, I can move on, start forgetting about being stoned all the time, and just get on with whatever it is that I want to do.

That has been the most difficult part of the first three days. Been getting up early and exercising so in truth sleep hasnt been too bad. On the plus side, going out, interacting with other people, looking people in the eye, and generally not having anything to worry about or hide has been great. Life is just so much easier when i havent put myself in that strange paranoid state. Its just the alone time, when it doesnt matter what state I am in that I need to work on.

It seems to get harder as the day goes on. Quitting seems to go like this for me, wake up, feel great about having quit another day, feel good right through from morning to afternoon, dont think that there will ever be any chance of smoking again, though after tea enthusiasm starts to drop, the later the night gets the more triggers and stronger the thoughts about smoking get, until by the end of the night I just want to sleep so the day has ended.

This probably happens as I used to smoke more at nights. Whilst I would smoke in the day sometimes, I would always smoke at night, so my brain associates evening/night time with smoking more than anything else. The challenge I guess is to still be feeling as positive at bedtime as i am when I awaken.

My plan for the week ahead is just to try and keep busy. Keep getting up early, keep exercising, but to try and do some things in free time. Do some of those things that I have always said I would when quitting. Try not to just mope around in mourning, that is my challenge for this week!!

yackety... thank you so much for posting all your honest thoughts on quitting. i can identify with much of it, which makes me feel good because it makes me feel less crazy to hear it in someone else's words. moreover, my husband is trying to quit right now and i think that hearing how much of a daily struggle it is for you, which it seems to be for him, helps me to understand what he is not yet able to verbalize.

i hope you can keep it up, and keep posting about it too. it's incredibly therapeutic for me to read, and i imagine it's also good for you to get it out. i love your style of writing - maybe you could write a book in all of your uninterrupted alone time.

Into the evening time of my fifth day and I am finding it tough.

This is where abouts I usually get before a relapse, 5-10 days. And I can see why. The determination of the first few days has gone, smoking seems pretty insignificant again. Where as on the friday which was day one, it seemed like the worst thing in the world, i smoked it on the thursday until I was almost sick. I knew I had to quit, had the bad chest and foggy head to get rid of, wrote a long post which was the result of weeks of thinking, and was fully fired up.

Part of the problem is that most of the time I spend gearing myself up to quit, I am stoned. I am smoking in that comfort zone, knowing that I am about to quit. It seems to be one of the few times I can actually enjoy my smoking of late, when I am heading towards a quit date, as it is kind of like a last goodbye.

In that time I do a lot of stoned thinking, as to why I must quit and why it is no good for me anymore. Though as with all my stoned thoughts, the reality isnt anywhere how I was imagining it when in a smokey daze.

When lying in bed stoned at night I would nearly always think about how a clean living lifestyle would suit me. About five to eight years ago I would be lying there stoned, thinking mainly about how I could further my career and get on in life, thinking of all these wonderful ideas, and things that I could do to make money and live happily ever after. Of course, these were just stoned thoughts, some may have had some mileage, though I never did anything about them. It would always be something along the lines of 'starting from tomorrow i shall do x, y and z etc etc'. It always seemed like I was having revolutionary ground breaking thoughts, but when sober the next morning I would never act upon them, probably because they were unrealistic and daft!

That is how it has been with quitting of late. All the time I have smoked, I have lay there in a daze thinking how I would be healthy, active, filling my spare time with positive activities, and have this permanent warm glow about me when I quit!

Though five days in and I am faced with the reality. I feel really tired, but not able to sleep. Stiff from just sitting and doing nothing, wasting away too much time sat at my desk on my computer. I feel unmotivated, possibly worst than before, lethargic, lackluster, and just, well, at a loose end. That is probably the best way I can describe it. Bored and at a loose end.

Though where as I would usually be looking to get hold of some weed at this point, I dont feel im in any danger of a relapse. Because now I dont want to go and get a few joints worth to have a few smokes and see me through the night and to bed. I really dont want that as it is pointless. I wont get that stoned, I will become hugely frustrated when it runs out and want more, and will have broken this little run I have going. I really dont want to have just a little smoke. Where as that would be reasoning for a relapse, 'just that one wont hurt', I know it will, and just simply cannot justify a little smoke.

This sounds stupid, but a big smoke I can justify more. Going a buying a big bag seems better than just having a few smokes. At least I will be able to get properly stoned off it, and it wont run out so quickly, so I wont get any frustration, and any bad feelings about ending the run can be smoked away.

But I dont want to do that either! Because I know if I buy a big bag of weed, that I wont be able to smoke half of it before I am desperate to get rid and start another big long thread, about why I can never smoke again. Because from experience, and reading back through my old threads, that is what will happen. Its a racing certainty! I will not be able to finish a bag of weed without it being 'the last ever one', 'one final smoke' etc etc.

So I guess im kind of stuck! Not feeling that great at the moment. A little bit of a smoke wont be enough, and buying an eighth or quarter or something will be too much, and I will just feel silly when I start my next big quit in a few days time!!

To be fair I knew this would happen. Been getting to sleep ok, but it has been interrupted sleep, waking in the night a few times, and that is probably why I feel so tired and at a loose end. And also, ive not really been exercising as I should. Ive been a bit down and lethargic, and just moped around, so its hardly a surprise im feeling like this.

Ive often caved in around here, but im not doing this time. My previous best was a month, January, a 31 day month, just as August is, and im going to beat that. Im going to get a personal best out of this, so I may as well enjoy it whilst I am. Stop the moping about, get exercising, get breathing properly, a bit of stretching, meditation, start sleeping better, and start being a bit more positive. I have it fixed in my mind that I cannot smoke, Im going to improve on my record, and im going to do it with a smile on my face!!

Glad Ive got that off my chest!! (along with all the rubbish ive been coughing up today!)

It is remarkable how similar our situations are. From the insane guilt/paranoia right up to the amount of time it usually takes us to relapse after deciding to quit. I have been a floater on this forum for a few months now. I have been lured by the thought of moderation but that never held up.

It's a vicious cycle, it's treacherous. I had a big spill out of my doubts about quitting in my thread called "It's Time" Like you, I also decided to quit last night when I was high. You are five days in, why not make it six? Living life in the constant thought of marijuana is just crippling, it stunts you and makes you a drug addict. No excuses. I love weed, the feeling, everything. But I know that moderation doesn't exist with me in that world. Don't even think about it man, look at how much you've written, look at how much you've learned even through a few days of sobriety. Personally I can't wait to go into September with a clear mind. Until then, forget your one month personal best. You obviously relapsed then and the facts surrounding that quit period led you to smoke again. Day by day, the month will go by like nothing. You've let a lot of people know how badly you want this...I really think you mean it.

Hi thesecondcoming. Thanks for the encouragement, i wish you well with your own quit.

7 days and 7 nights completed.

Well its a week since i first wrote my quit post. Last friday morning I got up and typed that big long opening post, with thoughts of the heavy goodbye smoke the day before fresh in my mind.

I had been building up to August 1st as a quit date from mid July. So I had been smoking as much as I liked, in that comfort zone, knowing that I would be quitting soon. I spent most of my time looking forward to the quit day, thinking how all this would soon be over, thinking about what I had to look forward to, and what I was finally leaving behind.

A lot of that time I was stoned though, and what I realise now is that stoned thinking is just not worth the cigarette paper it is rolled up in! Whatever you are thinking about when stoned, however you are planning to change your life, make things better or whatever, its just silly unrealistic stoned thinking!

I mean dont get me wrong, I knew over these last few years, and these last couple of weeks building up to the quit date that I needed to stop smoking. I wasnt stoned all the time when I was thinking that. I would wake up in the morning sober, and know that I can not do this forever. I knew the damage I was doing to my lungs, and knew I wanted rid of that groggy stoned feeling, the unhealthy look and most of all to get off the quit/relapse roundabout.

But its the way I was imagining it when stoned that was wrong and silly. It all seemed so easy thinking about it. That i would just quit, and suddenly become productive, healthy, wiser, wealthier and just carry on my life never thinking about it, almost as if those years of smoking never happened. Though I know that to be untrue, its much harder than that!

After the initial 'im gonna quit for good' buzz wore off it became difficult. There have been benefits. I wake up feeling great. I feel great now. Though the longer the day goes on, the harder it gets, and from 6pm onwards, once i've finished my evening meal it gets very tough. I spend as much time thinking about smoking in those hours as I used to spend stoned, thinking about quitting when I was smoking!

What is keeping me going this time though is reading through all my old attempts. I think I am beginning to learn. The 'just one little smoke wont hurt' thinking has gone. I just dont want to ruin this run for the sake of a couple of smokes, it just isnt worth it. I can almost feel what it is like to finish that spliff without even having to smoke it. I know that as soon as I put it out, i will be feeling regret and guilt. I got offered a little bit last night. Asked if I wanted to borrow a few smokes worth. It wasnt somebody trying to 'break me'. They were just being nice. I had mentioned that I was quitting, though i've said it so many times before, that I have become like the boy who cried wolf, its just not taken seriously! But I declined, and though I was extremely tempted at the time, Im glad this morning that I did. As though a little smoke in a week probably isnt a big deal, i would be feeling terrible right now, and would be writing about a relapse and trying to explain why.

So i'm not going to relapse like that again. Buying a decent bit and having a good smoke appeals more. Though I just cant do it. Because I know, can almost guarantee, that I wont be able to finish off the bag without wanting to get rid of it all quickly so that I can quit for good. Thats the roundabout im trying to get off. That is the cycle I am trying to break.

I'll be honest im missing it, especially at nights. But I think im just missing the routine more than anything. I can do stuff in the day, motivation is slowly creeping back, but evening/night time has been very unproductive.

All in all though, its only been a week. Just one week. And im not ready for a relapse yet. Im going to take this further. Its the weekend again which is going to be tough. Being the weekend is just one huge trigger in itself. Got through last weekend easily enough as I was fully fired up. This one may be tougher, though I will see it through. Then it will soon be friday again and I will be at the two week marker.

Will update this when necessary. Though am going to try and move on a bit more this week. Week one has been quite tough, though that is to be expected, nobody finds week one easy. Will try to spend less time in mourning, less time thinking about what i was doing 'this time last week' etc. Thinking about old smoking times like they were the happiest days of my life, which they werent! They were spent thinking about how I cant wait to quit weed, something which I keep forgetting!

Anyhow, I've rambled there. A lot!

Summary: One week done. Feeling better, sharper, more confident, everyday life seems easier! Evening/night times tough. Sleep up and down, odd sweaty sleepless night. Have healthier look about me. Lots of cravings/triggers, but able to see through them!

As I sit here and type I'm debating with myself. Part of me is ready to quit weed...the other part of me is considering a ride to my firend's house to score some weed. It's a real battle.

The part of me that wants to quit is rational, realizing that keeping on the pot road will do me no good, will probably kill me. This side of me knows all the reasons to stop, but can't win the battle without some suffering and sacrifice.

The other part is desperately craving a toke. It sees the relief in the sweet smelling herb. In moments all the unpleasant feelings, all the anxiety, all the sad thoughts evaporate. This has been the side that has been winning out.

The real problem is that this struggle is so distracting that I am finding it hard to get anything done. This has been what has led me to relapse the last few times I've tried to quit. I end up giving in to weed so that I can at least muddle through life.

I have to be honest here...I have been out of weed for several days, but twice I scraped resin from an old pipe. I know this is stupid and pitiful, but isn't that what drugs do?

It's Friday morning now, and as I think of going through the weekend without weed I begin to start wondering how I will do it. Without weed, days are so long. Monday seems like a million miles away.

You have captured a lot of my thoughts and feelings. Keep up the fight. We can do it.

YacketySax wrote:There have been benefits. I wake up feeling great. I feel great now.

Excellent!

YacketySax wrote:Though the longer the day goes on, the harder it gets, and from 6pm onwards, once i've finished my evening meal it gets very tough. I spend as much time thinking about smoking in those hours as I used to spend stoned, thinking about quitting when I was smoking!

What is keeping me going this time though is reading through all my old attempts. I think I am beginning to learn. The 'just one little smoke wont hurt' thinking has gone. I just dont want to ruin this run for the sake of a couple of smokes, it just isnt worth it.

It sounds like you have a bit too much free time to think during this early phase (the first month is the toughest, in my opinion). Please consider listing all the possible things you could do, especially during the evenings. I'm not sure how large your city is, or how much cash you have to spare, but here are some ideas: go to a movie, go for coffee/tea with a non-smoking friend, see a show (music or drama), take a walk, rent some good DVDs, watch a TV series you like, take up an evening class (karate, writing, yoga, meditation).

I know you'll find something to keep busy!

Your posts are awesome, so keep that up as part of your recovery!