Well I'm here because I'm told it might help to write about it, even if no one reads it. I'm not even sure yet if I'll return to this post, we'll see how it goes.
What I'm about to write I could never talk about in person, and I think it will be incredibly difficult even just to put it into words.
I'm a 22 year old guy. I am ugly - something for which I was bullied throughout my life. As a kid school was a perfect medium for this, but it even continued into my early adulthood, just people on the street pointing at me and yelling "look at that ugly f*****r". Well, the latter only happened a few times, and it was homeless people or lowlives sitting and drinking on the sidewalk. People whose opinions I shouldn't concern myself with, right? Well, the problem is that I can't make myself not care. As shitty as it is to do something like that, I know that those people are honest, and I feel like normal people think the same about me, even if they would never say it.
Growing up my father was an alcoholic, and my family a disfunctional mess. We also had a lot of financial problems (I remember my mother always saying in front of me that we didn't have enough money for anything and she doesn't know how we'll make it). I'm the youngest of five siblings, my youngest brother being eight years older than me. This meant that because of the age gap I was pretty much alone, almost like an only child. As a young boy I remember my mother saying to me that when she got pregnant with me people were saying that it's too late for another baby and she should abort me. This made me wonder even at that age if there's something wrong with me. I'm not trying to put blame on her, she didn't say it to hurt me, more like to demonstrate how much she loved me.
All this damaged me a lot as a kid. I was sure that other kids' families were normal and happy and that they loved each other. I would never talk about my family at school. From about age 15 things started to turn bad for me. I started to get depressed and insecure. With time it only got worse and worse. In my late teens / early twenties I developed something called Avoidant Personality Disorder (a type of anxiety disorder), which generates a lot of stress and crippling anxiety every time I have to go out into public or when I have to interact with strangers. It also makes it very difficult (if not impossible) to make new friends. I experienced this first hand when I started working at a company full of people my age. So I only have two close friends and a handful of 'buddies' from highschool. But even around them I can't be completey honest and myself - more on that later.
Of course I have never had a girlfriend. Partially because of my looks, and partially because I hate myself and I could never open up even if I had a chance at a relationship. I feel like maybe I don't even want to be with anyone, it's just society telling me that if I'm not I am a sad f***ing loser. Even though I'm heterosexual, I'm kind of not interested in girls because in my head I have convinced myself that I am not worth loving and that no one would ever want me. I'm not even sure if I have the courage to ask a girl out (probably not) because I have never allowed myself to be interested in one. What's really bad about this is that I've noticed that as a result I carry a slight and unconscious animosity towards women around my age. I actively battle this feeling every time it comes up. I knowthat women don't owe me anything, I know that it's not their fault that my life is a mess. Luckily this is not too bad, I'm not a misogynist or anything.
Anyway, being a virgin is one of my greatest insecurities, I even lied about it to my friends. My teenage years and early twenties were hell in that regard, with most of my friends never having any trouble with girls and me not being looked at for even a glance.
As I see it, the only bright thing in my life is the fact that this rut that I'm currently in is not constant. As it is with depression, it comes in waves. Of course this doesn't mean that I'm a happy and healthy person when it's not here, it just means that I don't think about it and carry on. But when it's at its the worst it can seem like it's here to stay: I feel like my life is headed nowhere, I have no hobbies, no interests, no goals or ambitions, almost no social life, I don't like anything or anyone. Just a piece of sh** who doesn't even care about the people closest to him. The most difficult and tiring part is trying to mask all this from people and appearing normal.
I often think about suicide, but I don't think I could do it - at least not yet, when I still have some people caring about me. Most of the time I just simply want to not exist.
If anyone reading this made it this far, thank you for reading my rambling. I hope it was not too incoherent, English is not my native language.
feeling of complete inferiority
4 posts
• Page 1 of 1
by laureat » Sat Jul 30, 2016 10:39 pm
a problem is that when we go self-critical there is always something we can complain about
for example there are women who do surgeries to look better but no matter how hard they try there is always the ending with it could have been better, it could have been better, i should try more, I should try more
so that kind of self-critical anxiety doesn't just stop when you simple have what you believe is missing ,it moves to something else and there is a good thing about it which helps us improve, help us reach the climax to be the best we can be so sometimes we may want to cause that on purpose but sometimes it is just not appropriate to the situation or it may just be too much of it so we should calm down
when you have a negative experience, it sure creates negative feelings about oneself, someone, something, somewhere , but if we have a positive experience it changes how we feel about
you just start to enjoy even though the same " problems " are there but they are not any longer on your attention it is something else on your attention, but good experiences need to happen, good intentions, reasonable goals, reasonable expectations
for example there are women who do surgeries to look better but no matter how hard they try there is always the ending with it could have been better, it could have been better, i should try more, I should try more
so that kind of self-critical anxiety doesn't just stop when you simple have what you believe is missing ,it moves to something else and there is a good thing about it which helps us improve, help us reach the climax to be the best we can be so sometimes we may want to cause that on purpose but sometimes it is just not appropriate to the situation or it may just be too much of it so we should calm down
when you have a negative experience, it sure creates negative feelings about oneself, someone, something, somewhere , but if we have a positive experience it changes how we feel about
you just start to enjoy even though the same " problems " are there but they are not any longer on your attention it is something else on your attention, but good experiences need to happen, good intentions, reasonable goals, reasonable expectations
- laureat
- Senior Member
- Posts: 1554
- Joined: Fri Aug 24, 2012 10:45 pm
- Location: Kosovo
- Likes Received: 117
by COSTRONG » Sun Jul 31, 2016 2:20 am
First off, I want to say that was very brave of you to post this. Thank you for sharing, it's never easy to air our biggest fears or issues we have with ourselves, but it takes a strong individual to talk about the things they want to look at differently.
My situation is similar to yours, as it was in my perceived image of who I thought I was. I was the opposite of what you said in HS, I was popular, I didn't have any enemies at least that I knew of. For the year book I was voted the person who most stood for the values of what our school was about. The thing is while I had all these people who did like me I didn't believe it.
I would say things like they just feel sorry for me, they are only being nice to me because they feel bad for me. I had this negative dialogue in my mind about who I thought I was and it became my truth. I spent years depressed and thinking of ways to kill myself almost everyday. I am not sure if I would have done it due to fear of pain and the fear of going to hell as I was raised in a religous family. The way I changed is I decided I didn't want to feel that way anymore. I said to myself I am going to be 100% committed to my healing. I wasn't going to "try" something in hopes of it working. I was going to make work whatever it is that I need to do. At the time I didn't know how to do that, but I began speaking to (and about) myself differently and now I see I was doing cognitive therapy on my own. I began looking at all the times I felt bad (what that feeling felt like in my body so I could be aware of it), I began paying attention to every time I said something negative about myself, and I paid attention to everything I thought negatively about myself.
I made sure that every time I did those things I immediately would become aware of it...and then I would work on changing that story in my mind that wasn't true. Once I became so aware of it I began telling a story that I could start believing that would make me feel better. For me, I believed I was unworthy and God made a mistake in my creation... so the story I retold when I did any of those negative things was--I don't have to apologize for living. You see the thing is I felt like I was a piece of crap so for me to say something that wasn't fully believably to me yet (like I am amazing) would have never changed me. I had to take baby steps in my change.. However as I have worked on this over the years, I still have doubts or issues, but that is when I am focusing or getting stuck in my self pity, but the thing is as I have gotten better at it I have seen that change doesn't take years it happens in an instant. It happens in the moment that we choose to no longer live that story we have been telling.
The thing is, even if people have told you that you are ugly, or if you have thought you are ugly...that is a total lie. Ugliness is a description for the most vile thing there is. While maybe you may not look the way you think that handsome should look, it's just a story you have been telling yourself of what is not good looking.
We may call a mode, but true beauty is the whole person. I have met some very beautiful people and once you get to know their personality it is a total turn off because they are jerks, self centered, or the such. You are a young man and you are still figuring it all out. When you learn to tell a different story, you will see that there will be someone who wants to share your life with you. You will see that you are worthy of their love.
I needed to read this today, thank you for sharing your strength and your story with us. You CAN change, and it is possible. For me it took time, but I was 100% committed to being so focused on my healing. It started with baby steps, but the affirmations and sentences I replaced with my old negative thinking began changing my life where I found my place and purpose in life. The thing is you have to say it so many times that you begin to change the feeling in your body. I would have this heaviness in my body when I said things that hurt me. When I said the positive things, I said it with conviction, i said it over and over again so many millions of times that it made me start to think differently, which made me start to believe differently, which made me FEEL differently (not just emotionally but my body felt those emotions too as I felt lighter). Your old untrue story is I am ugly and people think I am ugly, but maybe a start to your new story could be... I am unique and worthy of love... you have to find your starting point to get to the end goal of the person you want to be (ultimately the story you want to tell about yourself). Your ending story (ending doesn't sound good, but maybe your ultimate story) could sound something like "I have such a beautiful soul people love being around me."
You got this though. You are worth it. You are here for a reason. You are meant to shine so brightly for this world that they will remember the mark your soul left upon it. Ugliness is not a definition of who you are, you are bigger than that definition, and you have your own unique beauty that people will, and do love already.
Sending well wishes, energy and peace for your journey,
Chris
My situation is similar to yours, as it was in my perceived image of who I thought I was. I was the opposite of what you said in HS, I was popular, I didn't have any enemies at least that I knew of. For the year book I was voted the person who most stood for the values of what our school was about. The thing is while I had all these people who did like me I didn't believe it.
I would say things like they just feel sorry for me, they are only being nice to me because they feel bad for me. I had this negative dialogue in my mind about who I thought I was and it became my truth. I spent years depressed and thinking of ways to kill myself almost everyday. I am not sure if I would have done it due to fear of pain and the fear of going to hell as I was raised in a religous family. The way I changed is I decided I didn't want to feel that way anymore. I said to myself I am going to be 100% committed to my healing. I wasn't going to "try" something in hopes of it working. I was going to make work whatever it is that I need to do. At the time I didn't know how to do that, but I began speaking to (and about) myself differently and now I see I was doing cognitive therapy on my own. I began looking at all the times I felt bad (what that feeling felt like in my body so I could be aware of it), I began paying attention to every time I said something negative about myself, and I paid attention to everything I thought negatively about myself.
I made sure that every time I did those things I immediately would become aware of it...and then I would work on changing that story in my mind that wasn't true. Once I became so aware of it I began telling a story that I could start believing that would make me feel better. For me, I believed I was unworthy and God made a mistake in my creation... so the story I retold when I did any of those negative things was--I don't have to apologize for living. You see the thing is I felt like I was a piece of crap so for me to say something that wasn't fully believably to me yet (like I am amazing) would have never changed me. I had to take baby steps in my change.. However as I have worked on this over the years, I still have doubts or issues, but that is when I am focusing or getting stuck in my self pity, but the thing is as I have gotten better at it I have seen that change doesn't take years it happens in an instant. It happens in the moment that we choose to no longer live that story we have been telling.
The thing is, even if people have told you that you are ugly, or if you have thought you are ugly...that is a total lie. Ugliness is a description for the most vile thing there is. While maybe you may not look the way you think that handsome should look, it's just a story you have been telling yourself of what is not good looking.
We may call a mode, but true beauty is the whole person. I have met some very beautiful people and once you get to know their personality it is a total turn off because they are jerks, self centered, or the such. You are a young man and you are still figuring it all out. When you learn to tell a different story, you will see that there will be someone who wants to share your life with you. You will see that you are worthy of their love.
I needed to read this today, thank you for sharing your strength and your story with us. You CAN change, and it is possible. For me it took time, but I was 100% committed to being so focused on my healing. It started with baby steps, but the affirmations and sentences I replaced with my old negative thinking began changing my life where I found my place and purpose in life. The thing is you have to say it so many times that you begin to change the feeling in your body. I would have this heaviness in my body when I said things that hurt me. When I said the positive things, I said it with conviction, i said it over and over again so many millions of times that it made me start to think differently, which made me start to believe differently, which made me FEEL differently (not just emotionally but my body felt those emotions too as I felt lighter). Your old untrue story is I am ugly and people think I am ugly, but maybe a start to your new story could be... I am unique and worthy of love... you have to find your starting point to get to the end goal of the person you want to be (ultimately the story you want to tell about yourself). Your ending story (ending doesn't sound good, but maybe your ultimate story) could sound something like "I have such a beautiful soul people love being around me."
You got this though. You are worth it. You are here for a reason. You are meant to shine so brightly for this world that they will remember the mark your soul left upon it. Ugliness is not a definition of who you are, you are bigger than that definition, and you have your own unique beauty that people will, and do love already.
Sending well wishes, energy and peace for your journey,
Chris
by tijmenklip » Tue Aug 02, 2016 7:00 pm
Hey Presske,
Totally awesome you told your story, as sad as it may be. You can reflect - talk about it online - which already takes some guts. Although I have not been in a situation similar to you. I know you can change for the better.
You can grow to be a confident and happy person - move from beyond from what you think you are now. Although you are much better and cooler than you give yourself credit for. I want to share the most actionable things you can change in your life that makes you feel better. On a physiological level and on a psychological level.
Applying these in my life - step by step - increased my sense of well being and confidence 100 fold! I am sure if you make the time to change your way of life. You can feel a lot better. Not even mentioning all the psychological adjustments you can make. But remember focus on developing yourself for YOU - not for others.
So what helped the most was starting to:
1) Work out regurarly
2) Meditating daily
3) Sleeping well
4) Eating well
and last best!
5) Stopped jacking off to porn on a daily basis.
These changes in my life have made me a lot healthier - and given me a better outlook on life. I am sure they can help you as well. Pick one and try. If it works - try the other ones as well!
Good luck on your journey! I am sure you will find a way out of your situation and perspective. And find better ones!
Totally awesome you told your story, as sad as it may be. You can reflect - talk about it online - which already takes some guts. Although I have not been in a situation similar to you. I know you can change for the better.
You can grow to be a confident and happy person - move from beyond from what you think you are now. Although you are much better and cooler than you give yourself credit for. I want to share the most actionable things you can change in your life that makes you feel better. On a physiological level and on a psychological level.
Applying these in my life - step by step - increased my sense of well being and confidence 100 fold! I am sure if you make the time to change your way of life. You can feel a lot better. Not even mentioning all the psychological adjustments you can make. But remember focus on developing yourself for YOU - not for others.
So what helped the most was starting to:
1) Work out regurarly
2) Meditating daily
3) Sleeping well
4) Eating well
and last best!
5) Stopped jacking off to porn on a daily basis.
These changes in my life have made me a lot healthier - and given me a better outlook on life. I am sure they can help you as well. Pick one and try. If it works - try the other ones as well!
Good luck on your journey! I am sure you will find a way out of your situation and perspective. And find better ones!
- tijmenklip
- Junior Member
- Posts: 46
- Joined: Thu Jun 18, 2015 9:10 pm
- Location: Amsterdam
- Likes Received: 5
4 posts
• Page 1 of 1
-
- Similar Topics
- Replies
- Views
- Last post
-
-
4th day feeling Good
- 0
- 1801
-
Mon Apr 12, 2021 10:43 am
by Shabby
-
4th day feeling Good
-
-
2 years free of cannabis and feeling great!
- 2
- 1486
-
Tue Sep 28, 2021 7:06 am
by Brokethehabit
-
2 years free of cannabis and feeling great!
-
-
Feeling high after 4 months of quitting weed?
- 1
- 582
-
Sat Nov 20, 2021 2:35 pm
by Blinkers
-
Feeling high after 4 months of quitting weed?
-
-
Dissociation or high feeling from weed paws
- 2
- 528
-
Thu Dec 16, 2021 7:27 pm
by iHatePaws94
-
Dissociation or high feeling from weed paws
-
-
Feeling like I'm genuinely dying - weed withdrawal
- 8
- 3785
-
Thu Jun 24, 2021 9:35 am
by IenSmith
-
Feeling like I'm genuinely dying - weed withdrawal