Well I'm here because I'm told it might help to write about it, even if no one reads it. I'm not even sure yet if I'll return to this post, we'll see how it goes.
What I'm about to write I could never talk about in person, and I think it will be incredibly difficult even just to put it into words.
I'm a 22 year old guy. I am ugly - something for which I was bullied throughout my life. As a kid school was a perfect medium for this, but it even continued into my early adulthood, just people on the street pointing at me and yelling "look at that ugly f*****r". Well, the latter only happened a few times, and it was homeless people or lowlives sitting and drinking on the sidewalk. People whose opinions I shouldn't concern myself with, right? Well, the problem is that I can't make myself not care. As shitty as it is to do something like that, I know that those people are honest, and I feel like normal people think the same about me, even if they would never say it.
Growing up my father was an alcoholic, and my family a disfunctional mess. We also had a lot of financial problems (I remember my mother always saying in front of me that we didn't have enough money for anything and she doesn't know how we'll make it). I'm the youngest of five siblings, my youngest brother being eight years older than me. This meant that because of the age gap I was pretty much alone, almost like an only child. As a young boy I remember my mother saying to me that when she got pregnant with me people were saying that it's too late for another baby and she should abort me. This made me wonder even at that age if there's something wrong with me. I'm not trying to put blame on her, she didn't say it to hurt me, more like to demonstrate how much she loved me.
All this damaged me a lot as a kid. I was sure that other kids' families were normal and happy and that they loved each other. I would never talk about my family at school. From about age 15 things started to turn bad for me. I started to get depressed and insecure. With time it only got worse and worse. In my late teens / early twenties I developed something called Avoidant Personality Disorder (a type of anxiety disorder), which generates a lot of stress and crippling anxiety every time I have to go out into public or when I have to interact with strangers. It also makes it very difficult (if not impossible) to make new friends. I experienced this first hand when I started working at a company full of people my age. So I only have two close friends and a handful of 'buddies' from highschool. But even around them I can't be completey honest and myself - more on that later.
Of course I have never had a girlfriend. Partially because of my looks, and partially because I hate myself and I could never open up even if I had a chance at a relationship. I feel like maybe I don't even want to be with anyone, it's just society telling me that if I'm not I am a sad f***ing loser. Even though I'm heterosexual, I'm kind of not interested in girls because in my head I have convinced myself that I am not worth loving and that no one would ever want me. I'm not even sure if I have the courage to ask a girl out (probably not) because I have never allowed myself to be interested in one. What's really bad about this is that I've noticed that as a result I carry a slight and unconscious animosity towards women around my age. I actively battle this feeling every time it comes up. I knowthat women don't owe me anything, I know that it's not their fault that my life is a mess. Luckily this is not too bad, I'm not a misogynist or anything.
Anyway, being a virgin is one of my greatest insecurities, I even lied about it to my friends. My teenage years and early twenties were hell in that regard, with most of my friends never having any trouble with girls and me not being looked at for even a glance.
As I see it, the only bright thing in my life is the fact that this rut that I'm currently in is not constant. As it is with depression, it comes in waves. Of course this doesn't mean that I'm a happy and healthy person when it's not here, it just means that I don't think about it and carry on. But when it's at its the worst it can seem like it's here to stay: I feel like my life is headed nowhere, I have no hobbies, no interests, no goals or ambitions, almost no social life, I don't like anything or anyone. Just a piece of sh** who doesn't even care about the people closest to him. The most difficult and tiring part is trying to mask all this from people and appearing normal.
I often think about suicide, but I don't think I could do it - at least not yet, when I still have some people caring about me. Most of the time I just simply want to not exist.
If anyone reading this made it this far, thank you for reading my rambling. I hope it was not too incoherent, English is not my native language.