When the worst nightmare happens

Hi,

This is my first post but when I tell you my story you will understand that this part is part of my Journey to 'recovery'.

To start, i've always had a 'fear' of speaking in public but I like speaking (sounds odd) and know that to get anywhere in Life you need to sometimes ask groups to follow you, be it in education,work or politics and to do this normally requires a rallying speech. I also crave the buzz you get after a great public speech

So to overcome my fear, I joined a toastmaster'esque group for a few years, made speeches, both planned & ah hoc and put myself more into position were it was a requirement to me to stand up & talk.

I always had nerves but pushed through always got good feedback and told i spoke with 'passion' and 'commitment'; however no matter i still had that part of my brain telling me to 'be nerves as you could make a fool of yourself'

So far so good, last year I had the ambition to talk at conferences on my related discipline so started to build up experience and held 2 public speaking events before a conference and they both went well and got great feedback so then build up to talk at a conference.

So the conference came and then boom - the worst nightmare came true part way in a lost it, 20 minutes in to a 1:30hr presentation and I froze and it was very obvious. My mind just raced with thoughts of how to get out of there and all the fear intensified and started to shake and audience (30-40) noticed and it was, as you would expect horrible and I had to stop and calm myself down from shaking uncontrollable. Long story short I got back on with the talk but the next time wasn't the same, i didn't speak with confidence, vigor but just with fear and to push it to the end of the session left and got drunk to forget

Quite simply the worst experience of my life (not to be melodramatic) and happened after 10 years of speaking in public.

So why do I believe it went wrong?
A: Lack of belief about my subject matter
B: Hearing myself on the microphone (not normal for me)
C: believe (subconscious) that the audience knew the subject better than me and would find me 'out'
D: First time giving that 1 speech

In the past, I can remember this breakout of that type of 'fear' happening a few time in my life but not so obvious!

In everyday life, i'm confident, I believe I do know what i'm talking about and quite successful and want to talk again believe it or not, in fact i want to become so good and successful at it that it makes up for that 1 time (if that makes sense) but everytime I think about that 1 event it is my self putting me through emotional torture and akin it someone just kicking me in the stomach and believe me, my sub-conscious reminds me alot; of the faces in the audience on that day, the sweat that appeared, the cracks in the voice, the desire for the ground to swallow me up.

Anyway, that was 6 months back and whenever i get the opportunity to speak
I won't; not 'me' as I would love to again, but my subconscious by filling my veins with adrenaline just at the very possibility i am to be put on the spot to speak.

So in short, is there anyway back from this crash of confidence or just accept public speaking isn't for me, no matter how much I wish it was?

Thanks..