Hi everyone
my name is Anna, I am a 32. I used to have a boyfriend. We met 6 years ago: I had been in love with him until I met this other guy who literally tore my life apart. I am a gym teacher. Last year I did a year-long training, with workshops of one week each, every 3 months, in different parts of the country. There I met M., a guy with whom I shared so many common interests. We both were in relationships at the time and he just seemed a nice guy to me, kind and humble, undoubtedly one of the persons with whom I had had the most amazing conversations in many years. He seemed like a friend among strangers.
At the second workshop in May, M. was single and he changed his attitude. He started a courtship, despite me having a boyfriend. Another girl there, S., was after him. I (wrongly) assumed this guy really liked me if he went after me instead: I was with someone else, she was single, I am shy, she is not, I’m not easy, she is…
The last night of the training course, after a dinner and a party, this guy walked me to my hotel room and he kissed me. I was overwhelmed. Until that point I thought my attraction had been all in my mind. Afterwards, I could not stop thinking about him. It felt like I had fallen in love all over again. So I wrote him an email, and he answered and we wrote a few emails and as I started having real doubts I told my boyfriend we should break up. It was tough but I did not want to cheat on him. I only wanted to understand what was going on in my heart. Was this love or just lust?
Soon after I went to the town where this other guy lives. When I gave him my number he immediately invited me to his place for “dinner”. I was also supposed to meet him and another guy from the training group, but this person wrote me to cancel the meeting saying he had gotten it wrong and he was leaving for another country for his job that same day, and not the next day as he had previously written. it seemed a bit of a coincidence and I felt as if M. was setting me up and trapping me in sleeping with him, and this was not matching the romantic feelings I had. So I suggested to meet in a pub, so we did: I wanted him to like me for who I am, not because of some sex. It was a nice romantic evening, he kissed me at the bus stop when we said goodbye; however, he also admitted cheating on his previous girlfriend, having an affair with a married woman, which was still going on.
This would have been enough to run away, wouldn't it? But no, despite this, when I got back home I still wanted him, I felt he was the love of my life. During that date I found out we had so much in common. he even showed me the pictures of his family and his parents' marriage, while telling me the story of his family. I wondered why he changed his mind about bringing me to his place after that very first invitation, and I got paranoid: was it my fault, should I have been more seductive? Had I been not easy enough? Too talking? He would write me emails throughout the following month and then disappear again until the last training ground, when he acted hot/cold. In the end he wrote me he only thought we should be friends. I later realized he was already trying to sleep with that other girl from the training group. and that some things about me which I had thought he had commented for small talk, were just ways of subtly criticizing me.
Unlike me, right after the last training meeting this other girl went to the town where this guy lives, she went to dinner at his place, they slept together and now they are a couple. I was working in a volleyball team with this girl at the time but she would not openly admit the affair with me, she would lie about it telling me at the same time that she had not heard about anyone from the training group... only to end up speaking about M. and his character and how narcissistic he is and how lucky I was to have got ridden of him. In order not to jeopardize the job, I did never tell her I understood she was lying.
And I only went into "I am not good enough compared to her". I just hurt so much all the time. I feel embarrassed and uncomfortable when I meet this girl particularly, because her presence makes me feel like a loser. I cannot help it and in these last few months I have been feeling better and realizing some things about the whole situation. But each time I felt like moving on, I bumped into this girl and I got, I still go back to my hurting-self. I feel as if I should hide in a black hole in the ground out of shame. I wish this guy could have been just lovable like he had been at the beginning.
In the worst days I tell myself I am a complete failure since I was born and I should kill myself. I know it's just a thought and I spoke about it with the therapist I am seeing, but even this therapy seems not to be helping much. I understand what goes on in me, but I also want to understand how to move on, and it seems impossible.
The result of this is that after so many months i am still obsessed about this situation. It's like i have a trauma. When I am doing other things, some sentences this guy told me come to my mind, like out of the blue. I put my load on this because when he and this other girl started dating I would spend days on facebook and whatsapp just to see if they were online together, writing to each other. Sometimes I still do it now and this makes me feel like a stalker. I have never reacted like this to a rejection, so I do not understand what it is that keeps me stuck. Sometimes I just feel like I really needed to be with this guy, and how much he managed to make me want him only to quickly discard me makes me feel unworthy of anything good in life.
I feel a failure with that guy (wandering: should I have been more sexy and seductive? should I have gone to his place upon invitation? should I have been an easy girl? Normally I am proud of not being one), a failure in the relationship with my boyfriend, a failure generally. I'm so miserable. I know I should not and most days I go through the day but sooner or later memories hunt me like ghosts, I feel I'm going crazy.
rejection and obsession
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by tijmenklip » Tue Jun 07, 2016 3:38 pm
Take it easy, you had a rough experience, but it is time to forgive yourself.
The guy was not trustworthy so you let it slip. Making a good choice. Maybe you would have ended up in a worse situation right now!
You were obviously very attracted to him, but at the moment you are just obsessing about the image you have left of him. A cultivated and curated image in your mind. Maybe if you meet him now, you won't even feel the same things.
You made a choice in the past, wether good or bad - it has been made. No sense in obsessing over the past. Most you can do is learn how you want to act in a similair situation in the future.
Try taking your mind of him, because you have gotten in an obsessive habit of thinking about him. Take up hobbies, meet friends, go on vacation whatever, get yourself out of the loop and let go!
No matter what, it is time to move on! Time to stop limiting yourself by feeling bad.
The guy was not trustworthy so you let it slip. Making a good choice. Maybe you would have ended up in a worse situation right now!
You were obviously very attracted to him, but at the moment you are just obsessing about the image you have left of him. A cultivated and curated image in your mind. Maybe if you meet him now, you won't even feel the same things.
You made a choice in the past, wether good or bad - it has been made. No sense in obsessing over the past. Most you can do is learn how you want to act in a similair situation in the future.
Try taking your mind of him, because you have gotten in an obsessive habit of thinking about him. Take up hobbies, meet friends, go on vacation whatever, get yourself out of the loop and let go!
No matter what, it is time to move on! Time to stop limiting yourself by feeling bad.
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by myrtle » Tue Jun 07, 2016 4:34 pm
Thank you tijmenklip. Your words seem to calm me down and you are right, I have gotten in an obsessive habit.
Yes I am trying to forgive myself. But I also try to understand how I ended up there. Because the fear I have been left after this situation if, actually, like I am unlikable and nobody will ever want to sleep with me again. I see attractive guys and do not feel attracted at all, I just feel miserable and disgusting, as if I were The beast of the Beuaty and the beast or some other monster.
This guy was clearly not trustworthy from the outset, but it's like I denied myself this. I only saw what I wanted to see and at the same time his attention was so great that, I've been told, it got me high.
So the same night when he kissed me he would just confuse me: first asking me if I had ever dated shorter guys, because he's slightly shorter then me, then later telling me how he only likes dancers or the kind of girl which is a sort of princess, which I clearly am not. And he also told me he had a pattern like one princess, one girl who would destroy him, one princess, one girl who would destroy him, and so on. I have been reading extensively about narcissists because many people believe this guy is a narcissist, and I am afraid i will be attracted only to this kind of men again and again, in my own pattern. When we were on this date he would ask me a lot of things about my past affairs and touch my arm not in a nice way but as to feel the muscles, like deciding whether my arms were good enough or not. He also told me things like "I fall in love a lot, even in the underground, with a lot of girls." So of course I felt that I would not be comfortable in sleeping with someone who was acting like that, but I did not react. I let him tell all of this and then "ok, so what now?".
I realize that because of the attraction I let this guy manipulate me. If he had brought me to his place, I would have gone. Probably ending up in something worse, as you write. A few days after the date he started changing his profile image and status on whatsapp, and it was clear his lover had done a tattoo of the two of them and he had it as his image. I remember thinking that luckily I had not slept with him, because otherwise I would have felt miserable, used and so on.
But I had a loving relationship with a great boyfriend and ended up there, is this just a lack of self esteem? I never felt attractive and this situation was also similar to something from my past, so maybe I got trapped because of the similarities?
Yes I am trying to forgive myself. But I also try to understand how I ended up there. Because the fear I have been left after this situation if, actually, like I am unlikable and nobody will ever want to sleep with me again. I see attractive guys and do not feel attracted at all, I just feel miserable and disgusting, as if I were The beast of the Beuaty and the beast or some other monster.
This guy was clearly not trustworthy from the outset, but it's like I denied myself this. I only saw what I wanted to see and at the same time his attention was so great that, I've been told, it got me high.
So the same night when he kissed me he would just confuse me: first asking me if I had ever dated shorter guys, because he's slightly shorter then me, then later telling me how he only likes dancers or the kind of girl which is a sort of princess, which I clearly am not. And he also told me he had a pattern like one princess, one girl who would destroy him, one princess, one girl who would destroy him, and so on. I have been reading extensively about narcissists because many people believe this guy is a narcissist, and I am afraid i will be attracted only to this kind of men again and again, in my own pattern. When we were on this date he would ask me a lot of things about my past affairs and touch my arm not in a nice way but as to feel the muscles, like deciding whether my arms were good enough or not. He also told me things like "I fall in love a lot, even in the underground, with a lot of girls." So of course I felt that I would not be comfortable in sleeping with someone who was acting like that, but I did not react. I let him tell all of this and then "ok, so what now?".
I realize that because of the attraction I let this guy manipulate me. If he had brought me to his place, I would have gone. Probably ending up in something worse, as you write. A few days after the date he started changing his profile image and status on whatsapp, and it was clear his lover had done a tattoo of the two of them and he had it as his image. I remember thinking that luckily I had not slept with him, because otherwise I would have felt miserable, used and so on.
But I had a loving relationship with a great boyfriend and ended up there, is this just a lack of self esteem? I never felt attractive and this situation was also similar to something from my past, so maybe I got trapped because of the similarities?
by tijmenklip » Wed Jun 08, 2016 2:19 pm
Glad to be of service 
.
It is good you try to understand yourself. But you make all kinds of connection now that simply are not there. For instance: “like I am unlikable and nobody will ever want to sleep with me again”.
You had a boyfriend before, you attracted someone new (not the right guy, but still), and you probably have attracted many more men. So why should this be true? You are maybe reflecting your own insecurity on the perceived opinion of man. So no!; you have proven you are attractive, when you put yourself out there you will find it is true, relax!
“but it's like I denied myself this “ Attention from a guy is awesome! But you probably had an inner conflict, you didn’t trust the situation – so you bailed. Another emotional part of you might think you let a great catch go, but the rational part knows it was a bad deal in the long run. So yeah you made a decision to let short term pleasure pass for long term contentment. Doesn’t mean you won’t find a good guy in the future!
You mention so much about how the guy is at a minimum manipulative, but yeah narcissistic or a chronical liar too. So relax you made the right choice, you already acknowledge this! Start thinking about how you can attract new awesome guys in your life. And how you can be a stronger and more confident self, so you won’t be tempted by these kind of guys anymore.
If you had a loving relationship, you can get one again. You acted with integrity by not staying with your then current boyfriend, while so attracted to someone else. But maybe next time, don’t be as impulsive and wait a while before making rash decisions,… we all get tempted by lust, or love in long term relationships – but think about it before you let go what you have now.
I wish you the best of luck, and don’t feel bad, we all get these kind of experiences.
You have obviously learned from it, and that’s all we can do!
.It is good you try to understand yourself. But you make all kinds of connection now that simply are not there. For instance: “like I am unlikable and nobody will ever want to sleep with me again”.
You had a boyfriend before, you attracted someone new (not the right guy, but still), and you probably have attracted many more men. So why should this be true? You are maybe reflecting your own insecurity on the perceived opinion of man. So no!; you have proven you are attractive, when you put yourself out there you will find it is true, relax
!“but it's like I denied myself this “ Attention from a guy is awesome! But you probably had an inner conflict, you didn’t trust the situation – so you bailed. Another emotional part of you might think you let a great catch go, but the rational part knows it was a bad deal in the long run. So yeah you made a decision to let short term pleasure pass for long term contentment. Doesn’t mean you won’t find a good guy in the future!
You mention so much about how the guy is at a minimum manipulative, but yeah narcissistic or a chronical liar too. So relax you made the right choice, you already acknowledge this! Start thinking about how you can attract new awesome guys in your life. And how you can be a stronger and more confident self, so you won’t be tempted by these kind of guys anymore.
If you had a loving relationship, you can get one again. You acted with integrity by not staying with your then current boyfriend, while so attracted to someone else. But maybe next time, don’t be as impulsive and wait a while before making rash decisions,… we all get tempted by lust, or love in long term relationships – but think about it before you let go what you have now.
I wish you the best of luck, and don’t feel bad, we all get these kind of experiences.
You have obviously learned from it, and that’s all we can do
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by handheart » Wed Jun 08, 2016 2:29 pm
I sugest you to be very carefuly with this man as i seems to me its something dubious with him
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by myrtle » Wed Jun 15, 2016 9:07 am
Thank you all for you replies and for your support!
I understand I was on a self destructive path in pursuing a relationship with this guy. If I had slept with him I would have lost my mind completely, but I know that moving to his town and leaving behind my life would have been just bad for me. Like canceling all of me, based on nothing or based on lust, for someone who sooner or later would break my heart. Ten years ago I was in a similar situation with another guy. We dated for a while but in the end he was a coward: even before kissing me he would want to be sure that whatever happened would stay very casual, even if we also had been friends for three years. Soon after he started dating a girl, they were casual and he would describe the situation as "i'm hooking up with a very easy girl but there are also feelings involved". They stayed together for 8 years but for most of the time he cheated on her, and actually ruined her life and took her best years.
I think these guys are all the same, in their minds and behavior. And I would have ended up in a place I have been before, very familiar: alone in a new town, pursuing a new life, at the mercy of someone who liked me so much that the first time I declined sleeping with him, he lost all interest. I would have felt like I felt many times before, miserable. That's not where I want to be and uniuckily I have been feeling miserable anyway.
The only thing is that at the beginning of July I will go to a meeting and this other girl will be there too. At the thought of seeing her again i feel like I want to die. it's unrational i know but that's the feeling. She thinks I do not know about her affair but I do. And however i can be rational, when I first realised it, it hurt so much. So now I am afraid of a lot of things: afraid of seeing her again as I believe it could all come back to me, just when I am feeling better; afraid to hear her speaking about him and their affair, because it's a job meeting and I cannot run away or avoid her, if we happen to be sitting at the same table or whatever; I tried telling her I do not enjoy having conversations with her without explaining why, but I realised she is only looking forward to the moment i tell her I know about them, so she can even feel more the queen, the winner, and so on; there is something wicked about the way she behaves, when she knew I was hurting for this guy and they were already sleeping together, she would keep asking how I felt, as if knowing i was hurting so much would make her feel even better; she would insist on speaking about the workshop and the guy weeks after it was over, and even if I was hurting and i felt like in hell I told her I was alright. This situation makes me feel like I am unable to defend myself.
But I feel I am still the one who is not good enough in this situation.
Do you have any suggestions on something i can do to let this impact less on me? I do not want to avoid an important job meeting just to avoid meeting this girl.
i don't want to go back to feeling depressed and not eating. And though I know my well being is important, I went down like so down in these pasts months, that i am so afraid of this situation.
I understand I was on a self destructive path in pursuing a relationship with this guy. If I had slept with him I would have lost my mind completely, but I know that moving to his town and leaving behind my life would have been just bad for me. Like canceling all of me, based on nothing or based on lust, for someone who sooner or later would break my heart. Ten years ago I was in a similar situation with another guy. We dated for a while but in the end he was a coward: even before kissing me he would want to be sure that whatever happened would stay very casual, even if we also had been friends for three years. Soon after he started dating a girl, they were casual and he would describe the situation as "i'm hooking up with a very easy girl but there are also feelings involved". They stayed together for 8 years but for most of the time he cheated on her, and actually ruined her life and took her best years.
I think these guys are all the same, in their minds and behavior. And I would have ended up in a place I have been before, very familiar: alone in a new town, pursuing a new life, at the mercy of someone who liked me so much that the first time I declined sleeping with him, he lost all interest. I would have felt like I felt many times before, miserable. That's not where I want to be and uniuckily I have been feeling miserable anyway.
The only thing is that at the beginning of July I will go to a meeting and this other girl will be there too. At the thought of seeing her again i feel like I want to die. it's unrational i know but that's the feeling. She thinks I do not know about her affair but I do. And however i can be rational, when I first realised it, it hurt so much. So now I am afraid of a lot of things: afraid of seeing her again as I believe it could all come back to me, just when I am feeling better; afraid to hear her speaking about him and their affair, because it's a job meeting and I cannot run away or avoid her, if we happen to be sitting at the same table or whatever; I tried telling her I do not enjoy having conversations with her without explaining why, but I realised she is only looking forward to the moment i tell her I know about them, so she can even feel more the queen, the winner, and so on; there is something wicked about the way she behaves, when she knew I was hurting for this guy and they were already sleeping together, she would keep asking how I felt, as if knowing i was hurting so much would make her feel even better; she would insist on speaking about the workshop and the guy weeks after it was over, and even if I was hurting and i felt like in hell I told her I was alright. This situation makes me feel like I am unable to defend myself.
But I feel I am still the one who is not good enough in this situation.
Do you have any suggestions on something i can do to let this impact less on me? I do not want to avoid an important job meeting just to avoid meeting this girl.
i don't want to go back to feeling depressed and not eating. And though I know my well being is important, I went down like so down in these pasts months, that i am so afraid of this situation.
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