Friend Died And I Don't Care

thefool wrote:How old are you?

If you're in your 20's i would say that if you really were a sociopath you would have killed someone by now. Sociopaths are typically not in control of their impulses. The urge is stronger then themselves basically...

Not being able to form meaningful friendship may simply be down to emotional immaturity. While that's also a sociopath typical trait... just having this trait doesn't make you a sociopath.

As for the girl... you seem to care about her, which imho totally rules out that you are a sociopath. Sociopath cannot develop feelings of caring for anyone but themselves. I think it's quite impossible that a sociopath would 'lust' to make love to someone... they have lusts, just like anyone else, but they just can't satisfy them so it becomes a pointless endavour and they go to the park and find some homeless guy to chop up instead.

Maybe your 'fantasies' about harming her is simply down to a sexual fetish?

So you actually 'feel' you could do it? Go ahead with it? Let's say there are no reprecutions of any kind, nothing to stop you or come back to punish you. Would you?

What about your mother? Do you actually care at all for her?

What about jealousy, envy? If someone bests you at something... how does that make you feel?

I am 18.

I feel I could kill her, when I am with her I don't think about taking care of her in bed, if you know what I mean, I imagine her eyes if I had my hands round her neck, or if she'd fit in a suitcase to dump in the river. I have re-evaluated what I feel, and I have come to the conclusion that I don't love her, I am just kind of in need of an ego/sexual "fix" and seeing her, talking to her, while I am thinking what I am thinking gives me this "fix." She's a slut, everyone knows it, and I just want to exploit her. I don't feel I am harming her specifically, but sort of hurting every girl. I have nothing specific against her, I just find her an attractive outlet for my urges. She's nothing special, in fact I could be talking about any number of girls in my past whom I'v felt the same about.

I love my mother, and I'd probably fall apart if she were to die (or rather when she does). There is no question there. As for jealousy, I feel it but probably different to others. Others give a sh*t.

CaptainSteve wrote:I think you may possibly be a psychopath, though one has to be aware that the word is not clearly defined and has many negative strong connotations from everyday use.
A psychopath wont necessarily kill someone or hurt people. You don't seem to have much in the way of empathy.
Here are a few questions
1) Do you have shame at your condition
2) Do you generally care for your friends, or only see them as useful
3) Do you have good impulse control
If no, then you might be a psychopath. Some research through google should shed some light on your condition.

1) I love it - it's proof of my superiority
2) Even in terms of usefulness I don't trust them, but yes, I only see them as useful idiots.
3) It varies considerably. Not really.

Tbh, i just think you are using ego to compensate, and replace any other emotion you might be able to feel...

Any other emotion which would possible not make you feel so good about yourself. Your emotional connection with your mother, being the sole one, is likely to be able to exist because it's very 'safe'. Ie, your mother loves you unconditionally... you don't need to 'do' anything to get her love and approval, it's granted.

Which is not true for anyone else. So you just push them beneath you instead (in your mind at least). Any other feeling that might penetrate this illusion you just treat with indifference. It's also crucial that you consider everone around you a lesser to be able to keep up your charade. They have to be idiots, at the very least unworthy of any kind of respect... otherwise they may affect you emotionally, which is not an option for you.

Like you said... the girl, it's nothing personal. Just a focus of your general dislike/hatred of girls you could consider mates. I guess you feel they are inferior to you, perhaps you even feel they are an insult to you... and so you want to get that point across. But perhaps you don't exactly feel it as hatred perse because that two would be beneath you...

You claim not to give a fart... but the fact of the matter does remain that you came here looking for answers.

Question: Is all this making you happy? If not, you might re-evaluate how you've been living your life upto this point.

Coming here and confessing all this might just get you into trouble, so you took the risk... obviously you want something in return for that risk. Perhaps to gain new knowledge about yourself.. or perhaps to find a way out.

You must have some kind of motive for living the life you do. you must have some kind of motive for coming here asking question... to find which answers?

It's easy enough to put a label on someone, but what does that prove anyways? What substance does that have? The real question is whether or not you are a danger to yourself, and society, and if there is a desire inside you somewhere to lead a 'different' life.

The different life thing basically sums it up I think, but obviously not quite as straightforward as that. Then again, when is anything that straightforward?

neo,

stop reading about the lives of criminals, psychopaths and other serial killers. you're certainly not one of them. those sick people are not to be wondered at or admired, rather they should be pitied.

remember, you are what you think. try reading up on buddhism or the prophet by kahlil gibran. heck pick up the bible and really read the new testament. soak up stuff that nurture your spiritual self instead of feeding your mind stuff that will only hurt you in the end.

i'm sorry to hear about your friend. though you profess that you don't feel anything about your friend's death, the fact that you posted about it means that it does bother you greatly.

i still remember the first time i lost someone i loved. the grief was excruciating and unbearable. it felt like i was being torn apart inside. the pain was inconceivable. i noticed that i shied away from forming close relationship with people after that. it was trauma. i was deeply and selfishly afraid of having to undergo that debilitating grief all over again. so i began to distance myself from people, deliberately deadened my feelings so i would never feel that hurt again.

you keep posting that you don't care for your friends, and that you think violent thoughts about girls you care for, and that you don't care a sh*t about any of them. then ask yourself exactly why you keep posting and talking about them. you deliberately say stuff here that push people away from you -- are you doing it out of fear perhaps?

its so much better isn't it not to care, not to feel about people? to kill them in our minds, think bad thoughts about them so that you'll never be in danger of forming feelings about them, of actually caring for them. that way you'll never be vulnerable, never have to hurt so badly again. but what a sucky life ey? to ostracize oneself from human warmth and affection and love that we definitely need just because we're afraid of getting hurt.

find a therapist you can trust my friend. i suggest perhaps a man, that way you can project all your unresolved feelings about your dad to the therapist, and he can help you unravel yourself.

1) I don't have any unresolved feelings for my dad - I never knew him.
2) I didn't lose anyone I loved, or even liked very much
3) I keep posting 'cos I like the attention.
4) I have never felt anything - so I haven't just begun this "phase" recently, I just recently realised it wasn't normal.
5) Serial killers are by no means losers - they took what they wanted, what they needed, when ever they liked. That's an acheivement.

I know that you know better than that Neo. Hey, tell us about San Gonzaga.

neoSephiroth wrote:1) I don't have any unresolved feelings for my dad - I never knew him.
2) I didn't lose anyone I loved, or even liked very much
3) I keep posting 'cos I like the attention.
4) I have never felt anything - so I haven't just begun this "phase" recently, I just recently realised it wasn't normal.
5) Serial killers are by no means losers - they took what they wanted, what they needed, when ever they liked. That's an acheivement.

3) Might want to look into that, could just be the foundation of all your issues...
4) I'm actually surprised it took you this long, then again, i guess self reflection isn't your strongest point...
5) Well actually, more truthfully it would be to say they did and took whatever the hell they wanted... right upto the point where they got fried to a spasming fresh future big mac.

Also about achievements. Usually an achievement is in the sense of when someone produces a deed or product that one has earned through effort and self sacrifice. Which stands kind of vertical on the act of murder, or the producing of a corpse...

The point is that killing people is easy. Any high school kid can do it... and they DO!

You see, the problem is, and why i can't really grasp you... is that you aren't logical. you don't make sense. I'm not talking about from an emotional/consious point of view. I'm just talking from a rational point of view.

You're convinced of your superiority. Yet you go around trying to get attention. Yet you keep people around in the form of 'friends' and relations, who according to yourself mean absolutely nothing to you... for social 'benefits' as you call them. Benefits like what?! I'm sure that in your all powerfullness, there isn't anything you can't handle right?

And then there is the fact that you attach 'achievement' to a group of people who never achieved anything in their lives except for self interest and getting themselves fried as a result of that...

You see, the thing is... people who are really convinced about their own 'value' or worth... not to say superiority, don't really give a fawk about all that. They don't feel the need to kill, cause they couldn't care less about it... hey i killed someone! Yay! Who gives a fuk?!

So help me out here... how exactly does all this make sense in your head?

It makes sense to me, I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Anyway, we don't have the death sentence in our country, unfortunately.

Anyway, San Gonzaga is my micro-nation project. I am a citizen of the Kingdom of Lovely (founded by the comedian Danny Wallace) and I got sick of the constant political turmoil, so I set about founding my own nation. I am just kinda lacking citizens.

Join up - and get others to - and we might just beat Lovely as an effective micronation.

neoSephiroth wrote:It makes sense to me, I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Right, well that was fairly predictable. Don't expect me to... or don't want me to?