I don't know where to turn.

**Posts:** 3 · by **droppedk** » Wed Jun 09, 2004 5:28 pm

I need some advice. I'm 18 years old, male and at the moment I'm on study leave for my A-Level exams.

Since I started my A-levels in september, 2 years ago, I've been cycling through stages of feeling hopeless and down in the dumps to feeling ecstatic and on top of the world. Each extreme having no apparent cause. When I feel down, I get angry scarily easily and I sometimes end up cutting myself or getting into fights on purpose and I often find myself quite preoccupied with death and dying. My grandad died in February 2003, since then I've been feeling worthless and very low more or less all the time. I thought it was normal, that I'd eventually get over it and move on with my life but I watched the rest of my family pick themselves up again and move on, and I felt like I was getting left behind or ignored because nobody seemed to listen to me when I asked for help.

I always feel like I'm failing at school and I try my best to study as hard as I can all the time but I think I'm going to fail anyway, because I'm just worthless really. I know my mum and dad want me to get As in my exams but I know I can't do it and I don't know how to face up to it anymore because I feel like a failure and that I'm going to let my family down on results day.

I often have trouble sleeping and this confounds the problem of feeling down. I find it hard to concentrate at school and I make irrational decisions and sometimes I lash out at people. I don't really feel like I fit in at school, I often feel like people are staring at me and judging me all the time. I don't find it easy to get close to people because I'm scared they're going to leave me. In september 2003, I lost my girlfriend of 7 months because I started to get quite stressed out and she said that she couldn't take me snapping at her anymore and I knew that I'd screwed it up, it was all my fault. Since then I haven't really formed any of the usual romantic attachments that the other kids at school have.

Everything has been getting worse in the last 4-5 months. I developed a problem with my right shoulder and I've been to see several specialists who are at a loss, and have prescribed me some painkillers until after my exams when they can carry out some more tests to determine what's wrong. I have a lot of weakness in my arm and often I get very excruciating pins and needles and burning sensations in my right arm and the right hand side of my chest. It's left me unable to play guitar and writing is very tiring for me but at the same time, I enjoy the pain because, I'm not really sure how to put it, but it makes me feel real. If that makes any sense? I feel terrible lately. I've lost my appetite and I have trouble sleeping but I'm not sure if that's a side effect of the pills, and often I'm quite tempted to take an overdose of my painkillers because I can't face the exams that are coming up and the failure and everything else that's going on. It'll be over after my last exam and I'll have left school, but I'm scared that I'm going to do something to myself because I wont have anything to try and take my mind off it.

I don't know where to turn to, because I don't think my parents would understand. My mum always tells me that I need to get out more often and to get a life and I try but I find that I have little interest in other people my age and I find it hard to socialise with them. I had thought of going to my GP but I'm also not sure if he would understand.

Can anyone offer any advice?

**Posts:** 2522 · by **kfedouloff** » Wed Jun 09, 2004 8:42 pm

Hi droppedk, welcome to our forum!

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and a shortage of people to share your own thoughts and concerns with, so it's good that you found this forum. It's one of the toughest things to deal with - the thought that no one is listening when you ask for help.

I get the impression that your grandad meant a lot to you, more than other people realise - is that right? What was particularly special about him? What will you always remember him for?

It's not uncommon to feel somewhat "unreal" after a death, and I can imagine that real pain can help you connect with feeling "real" again, at least temporarily.

I know you've got exams on right now, and you feel the need to be concentrating on your revision and getting the grades that you feel are expected. One way to deal with this might be to make a promise to yourself that when the exams are over you will come and spend some serious time on this forum and see what you can discover that will help you deal with the things that are bothering you. You could even set a date for doing that. Then you could devote yourself to getting through those hoops that society sets in the way of young people at A-level as best you can.

Meanwhile, members of the forum will be happy to keep up the moral support (right, guys/gals?)!

Kathleen

**Posts:** 3 · by **droppedk** » Thu Jun 10, 2004 6:39 pm

My grandad meant a lot to me because I always found that we were on the same sort of level, we could talk about anything and I knew he'd always listen to and understand what I was saying. I'll always miss seeing him sitting in his chair in the front room of his house, always with some meaningful knowledge or wisdom to impart. And we were interested in the same things, he enojyed literature and poetry and photography and we used to go out taking pictures and I enojyed that, but after he died I don't really feel the same interest in anything like that anymore. At his funeral, I started crying but I couldn't face my family. I felt so alienated from them, like the only thing that made me feel a part of it was being buried right before me and I don't know why I thought it, but I didn't think it was my place to cry at that funeral. I was crying but I turned my face to the sky and tried to pretend it wasn't happening and my back was turned against the rest of my family.

I used to play the piano, I had a lady called Celia Stride as a teacher and she was very good at the piano and passionate about music in all its forms. I used to find it was a release and I could concentrate on the notes and the overall song they produced and, at least for that moment, everything was ok. She had a stroke and died and I, again, lost all interest in it but lately I've been going back to her old house again, just to sit outside it. I don't know why I've started doing it, but it helps to clear my head sometimes and it just means I can be out of the house for a while.

Thank you very much for your advice, I'll make sure to look through the forum and see what I can find to help me.

Thanks again.

**Posts:** 2522 · by **kfedouloff** » Fri Jun 11, 2004 3:51 pm

Thank you for sharing that with us, droppedk - your grandad sounds like a wonderful person, and you are so lucky to have been able to have a relationship like that with him.

I always used to envy friends who had grandparents - all my grandparents died before I was born, and I never knew any of them. I just don't know what it feels like to have a gran or a grandad - so I envy you too!

It seems that your grandad contributed a lot to your life and to the kind of person that you are. It's a terrible wrench when someone really vital like that dies - it's like having the heart pulled out from inside your chest. The gaping, bleeding hole it leaves feels as if it can never be healed, or filled. People sometimes get the idea that you ought to be able to "get over" a bereavement in some specific time period, but this is not really right. Everybody has to process their loss in their own way, and in their own time, and it really doesn't help to compare with "what other people did". It's obviously going to take you some time to heal from this loss, and your feelings are as valid and appropriate as anyone's.

Your music teacher sounds inspiring too, and maybe she can inspire you to use music again to explore and heal yourself. just giving yourself to the wonderful transcending power of music that can carry you through the most difficult experiences.

Be patient and gentle with yourself - you had a great love, and I am sure you would rather have had that than not have had it. It is a memory you will treasure for ever.

Best of luck with it all

Kathleen

**Posts:** 3 · by **droppedk** » Sat Jun 12, 2004 10:58 am

Thanks for the advice, I'll take heed of your words and hopefully I can beat this thing.

I've been on amitriptyline, 10mg before I go to bed at night. My doctor prescribed it for my shoulder problems, but it's making me feel so much worse. I've been feeling terribly depressed since I started taking it, and I came off but I started feeling worse. Anyone got any suggestions, or know of any alternatives to help the pain at night so I can sleep?

**Posts:** 145 · by **egor** » Sat Jun 12, 2004 8:39 pm

I think you'll find talking on here to be quite helpfull, whilst it isn't the first step to getting better, I believe its the first step to taking the first step to get better.

Also, the advise of people here can help alot, there are people who are going through very similiar things to you, as well as people who's job it is to help people like you (us?), and very good at it they are, in my opinion, so anything you share is with people who understand and most importantly, care!

I believe going to a GP would be one of the best things to do right now, almost all GPs would have dealt with depression before, and its highly likely that he/she would refer you to a psychiatrist, who's job it is to change thinking styles.

I forget whether this has been suggested to you before, but try reading the depression learning path, its somewhere on this site! I've never come across any literature on the net nearly as helpfull. It really does help get those misconceptions out of the way, prior to reading it, I didn't think I had any, but afterwards, I realised I had, and I were truly enlightened. As for medication for depression, it can help numb the symptoms, but the cure is therapy and changing your thinking styles.

This must be a really tough point in your life, possibly one of the biggest hurdles you've had to overcome? I think if you can succeed at getting through your a-levels, not giving up on life, then you'll understand that you can get over this too. Hopefully after your a-levels you won't have anything else to dread, and surely things can only get better from that point on?

Also, I second the notion that it would be a good idea to talk about it on here when you need to.

Not giving any good advise here, sorry, as for your medication, did you come off it by yourself, or did you go to see your local GP about it? I don't know whether you did the latter, but, I'm sure a good GP would try and find an alternative, and maybe an alternative is what you need?

edit: p.s. good luck with the exams! Be proud of getting through it no matter what results you get, in fact, the very fact that you got through them could be a better 'qualification' than the results themselves, it shows strength, courage and determination purely because you didn't give up on life!

**Posts:** 2522 · by **kfedouloff** » Sat Jun 12, 2004 9:23 pm

The link egor referred to is The Depression Learning Path - it is an excellent source of information.

droppedk - I don't know what the cause is of the physical pain your are trying to deal with. I don't know if it is due to a physical cause or a psychological cause. If there is a physical cause, you need to talk to your doctor about what could be causing it. Whether it is physical or psychological, sometimes it can help to get through the night by simply accepting the pain, by going into the heart of it, without resistance.

I think this may be connected with what alternative is saying (if I understand him/her correctly) - that in the end we are the masters of our own response to the challenges of life: we may not be able to control the events/circumstances, but we do have a choice about how we respond.

Either way, it does help to have the support of others!

Kathleen

**Posts:** 2522 · by **kfedouloff** » Sun Jun 13, 2004 8:29 am

alternative has a fair point about the impact of "labelling" - giving something a name does somehow make it seem more "official". If the doctor says I'm depressed, I must be depressed. It is a good idea to be cautious about finding a label for something that you don't understand.

Another problem alternative highlights is the social impact of labelling. I think it is really sad that so much stigma is still attached to mental health problems - we all face difficulties in our lives, why should we feel ashamed about that? Why should we "look down" on people who seek help for their emotional distress?

alternative - can I ask if you have fully read The depression learning path? That site spells out many of the dangers that you cite about over-reliance on labelling and the problems with medication. It also shows the importance of identifying what underlies the "depression" and dealing with that in an effective way. It also explains why it can often seem so difficult for people to overcome their awful feelings by themselves - because of the known effect of stress and rumination on how the brain works. The whole aim of the site is to help people to help themselves as far as possible - not to convince them that they are "clinically depressed".

I would agree with your final statement - people don't need help with "clinical depression". But they may benefit from help to deal with the problems they are facing in their lives.

Kathleen

**Posts:** 7 · by **Incognito** » Sun Jun 13, 2004 10:45 am

Kfedouloff - you refer to the "Depression Learning Path". Are you aware of any randomised controlled trials comparing the efficacy of this method against already accepted methods for the treatment depression? Are you aware of any primary care trusts that have adopted the "Depression Learning Path" as part of their treament programme?

**Posts:** 145 · by **egor** » Sun Jun 13, 2004 4:01 pm

From friend's experiences a good psychiatrist will do their best to not make someone feel labeled, I totally agree with them doing this, and the idea that labelling isn't too good an idea, being labelled as being depressed, is, well, depressing! But, I think labelling is bad because of external factors, such as the common thought people get, thinking they'll be depressed for the rest of their life (I'm not depressed, but alot of the time I think me wanting to die and so forth will never end, so maybe it comes about because of how depression kinda stops us thinking clearly at times?), so, maybe with reading the learning path, which I find to be extremely positive, we can all realise that depression is more of a bad period in our lives than our life, and I'm sure this helps soften the blow of any labelling.

Having said that, I think an even better idea would be going straight to a therapist! Whether thats hypno-therapy or whatever you think is best, it sounds as if it targets exactly where the majority of a problem lies (thought patterns (in my opinion, at least)). Getting help is perfectly okay, this isn't a game where you have to abide by rules that say you must or mustn't get through this on your own, its about getting better in what would be the best possible way for you, and then being able to get on with your life.

P.S. I know you probably already know about them, but may not have considered them seriously, if you really think you can't go on anymore, or even if you just need someone to talk to, you can always try the samaritans at http://www.samaritans.org/ you can contact them via email, post, phone and I believe they even have centres where you can go to and talk to someone in person, its completely confidential, naturally, and it often helps to have someone who cares and understands to talk to. Well, they helped me last time I contacted them... Though this forum is also a good place to talk about your feelings

.

Edit: sorry, I'd just like to say that I think its highly unlikely that your parents would find out about you seeing a psychiatrist, short of you telling them, I don't see how they could. Psychiatrists would be severely disciplined if they broke their vow of confidentiality (can they be taken to court? hard to say) just like any other doctor or specialist.

**Posts:** 2821 · by **Roger Elliott** » Mon Jun 14, 2004 5:54 pm

Incognito, there are many thousands of health professionals who incorporate the Human Givens approach into their work. The value of the Learning Path is that it helps people understand that although they have been called 'depressed', they are actually perfectly normal in the way they are responding. That tends to make them feel better, as the many emails we get confirm.

We are not saying "This is the only way", or even "This is the best way". We are simply saying "This is one way" - make your own choice. After all, 'randomised clinical trials' have proven many things, such as the fact that anti-depressants are no more effective than placebos, but it hasn't stopped drugs companies marketing them as if they are the be all and end all.

I don't know where to turn.

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