I lost control last night... any suggestions?

**Posts:** 44 · by **SueNami** » Tue May 12, 2015 8:26 pm

Sorry it's so long... but here it is...

So I was married for 4 years. We had a son and an already rocky relationship...and well...that's not a recipe for success. He had been a liar since day 1, of course I had no idea. And not like a 'cheater' liar... like a 'hey i found this awesome house to move to, lets go live there and be happy'...and then you find out your homeless... and kinda broke because you bought out your old lease. Not kidding. true story.

Anyway...I made a ton of bad decisions, including staying with him...

He's still in my life because he's in my son's life and he's always irritated me. Really pushes my buttons. Last night he came over and he was talking about this girl he's dating. (we are both dating and I've actually dated two guys since I left him a year ago, the first one was way too soon and was a rebound... the one I'm dating now I'm quite happy with.) Now- I am not a jealous person and I am definitely NOT one of those "I don't want him but no one else can have him" kind of people. He's talked about her before and I'm just kind of whatever.... By the time he started dating her (just recently) I was pretty indifferent to it, actually kind of glad he's moving on because he was clingy for quite some time.

Well last night he said something that really SET ME OFF. And it wasn't even anything big... but I have to tell you first how he's been painting this picture of her to be quite something special. She's petite. She has a masters. She's younger than me. She owns this nice car and a house in this zip code. She's a gym rat and really in shape. blah blah blah. (My ex is tall and good looking, but he's a doofus. lol He really is. It can be cute but in the end he can't take care of himself, let alone contribute to a relationship and that's why our failed... the lies are part of that too, of course)

Anyway - what he said just gave me this image of him walking into this new perfect little relationship, with this perfect little 'girl' and I started to get MAD. it wasn't that he had someone. It wasn't that she is better than me. It was that I realized I was my own version of this girl when I met him. I was living MY DREAM. Every single day I woke up and got to do what I loved more than anything all day long. I was going to college too. I had friends, maybe not great friends, but we had fun. I owned my own business. Money was ok. It was good enough most of the time. And a little bad sometimes...but overall it was enough. And I didn't want for anything. I took vacations. I had a motorcycle and dirtbikes and took piano lessons and played softball and went out. .................and then I met him. And SLOWLY... he took every single thing from me. My home that I leased, my dream home with land where I kept my horses. Then the horses one by one. I refused to sell one. I've had him 15 years. Then the piano because I didn't have anywhere to move it to. He even convinced me to sell my business because he didn't like it. he'd support me he said. ... never happened... Then the motorcycle and toys to pay bills. My friends slowly dissipated - i lived farther away from them now. Didn't have the 'ties that bind' anymore... we lost touch. No vacations. No college. No money.

And still I stayed. The whole time hoping and dreaming to get back to where I was when I met him. That's all I ever wanted. I would get in fights with him and he would call me cold hearted, unforgiving, materialistic. And I believed him for a long time and I beat myself up for not being able to love him better...

Then add on top of it that I got pregnant in that time. Now I have a son. Add to that hormonal issues and excessive weight gain. I've gotten off most of it, but my body is not anywhere close. Add to that trust issues that I carry forward with everyone in my life because of his lies.

Anyway... Last night... all of this hit me. And I was overcome with rage at the realization that he took EVERYTHING from me that made me ME. And then he simply finds some other 'perfect' little girl to start over with. No consequences. No negative outcomes for him. No rebuilding anything. No daily struggle to adapt to a life that he hates.

AND I JUST LOST IT.

..when I decided to leave him I mourned that I would never have a proper family for my son. I mourned that all that time of 'trying to make it work' was for nothing. I cried and cried because I knew I couldn't change him I could only take responsibility for my own action and it was time to stop letting him impact my life.

BUT NEVER did I experience such anger.

I just don't know how to deal with this. Today I am pretty numb from everything. But how do I get over this? I am dating a wonderful man and in the process of trying to buy another business..... the worst possible thing would be for this to impact my life moving forward. But I feel so unprepared for these emotions. I thought I was done caring about the relationship and what it did to me.

**Posts:** 9886 · by **Candid** » Tue May 12, 2015 9:33 pm

SueNami wrote:I was overcome with rage at the realization that he took EVERYTHING from me that made me ME. And then he simply finds some other 'perfect' little girl to start over with. No consequences. No negative outcomes for him. No rebuilding anything. No daily struggle to adapt to a life that he hates.

Yeah, I had one of those as well. No doubt he's going to trash his present perfect girlfriend, too. That's what he does.

when I decided to leave him I mourned that I would never have a proper family for my son. I mourned that all that time of 'trying to make it work' was for nothing. I cried and cried because I knew I couldn't change him I could only take responsibility for my own action and it was time to stop letting him impact my life.

But you didn't stop letting him impact your life, and now the challenge has come around again so you can get it right this time. I salute you for the mourning and crying that eventually rid you of your sadness. A less feisty woman would have blocked it and got depressed instead. So now you need to express your anger, as well. A letter to him that you don't send, thumping a big pillow, going off in your car to a remote place where you can yell at him as if he's in front of you ... I'm sure you're inventive enough to get it all out.

I just don't know how to deal with this. Today I am pretty numb from everything.

Yes, this is the immediate response to impotent rage. Let it go on too long and you'll swing back to grief, then be diagnosed with depression and given shut-you-up pills. You can do better, with a trident strategy. First, list all the losses incurred from this relationship. You may have already done that here. Then do whatever you need to do to express your anger, as proposed above. One of the best things is to have an angry friend, and the two (or more) of you go off somewhere and take turns yelling, with a witness or witnesses who'll say: "Quite right!" "The bastard!" or whatever they're moved to say. A witness to valid feelings is gold. If you can't do it alone and haven't a sufficiently sympathetic friend, you might have to pay someone to be a witness. They're called therapists, and you know exactly what you need so you can tell them that before you book an appointment, and you won't need more than one or at most two sessions.

The second prong of the trident is to look back at your list and vow to yourself that you'll have it all again, or better. The things you lost are now goals, and along with being legitimately angry you can take any small steps towards recovering the life that worked so well for you. If you do these things simultaneously -- expressing residual anger and working towards goals -- the anger will fade rapidly.

The central prong of the trident is to make sure this never happens again. You have to have contact with your former partner but you certainly don't have to listen to his bragging and rubbing your face in it about all the things you let him get away with. Make it polite and distant. Don't invite him in or spend ages on the doorstep, just be as civil and inaccessible as you can manage during the hand-over. And get on his case any time he's a minute late with payments.

The other side of the central prong is the "wonderful man" you're dating. It's only been a year since you left the last one. When I worked in domestic violence, we recommended that women take a minimum of two years before committing again. Dating is fine, but I can't tell you how many women came back in after a year, a few months or in a lot of cases a couple of weeks, and they'd all found "wonderful" men without having done the emotional work. I kid you not, "wonderful" was always the word they used; it was an in-joke when I started in the field and I very soon knew why. No man is "wonderful", and women with dependent children in particular were horrifyingly quick to declare just about any man "wonderful" if he didn't immediately start to behave like the old one did. No doubt your husband looked "wonderful" to start with, so I want you to know that while your life is depleted and you still have lots of bad feelings to process, to say nothing of a dependent child, you're much more vulnerable to projecting wonderfulness and your relationship needs on a man who's still in the seduction stage. Don't want to rain on your parade; there are a lot of good and well-intentioned men around, but "wonderful" is a red flag until you, he and the relationship itself have been tested a few times and he's consistently come through for you.

I thought I was done caring about the relationship and what it did to me.

You will be. Draw a trident on a piece of paper or print one off from google images and write what each prong represents either on or alongside it, then get started on the emotional work it implies: express the anger, work on goals, make sure it doesn't happen again. You can imagine thrusting a real trident into your ex's heart if it helps you with prong one activities.

You're a strong and emotionally intelligent woman, which unfortunately attracts immature and ultimately uncaring men, who realise you can handle their issues and keep picking up the slack as they slide from self-interested seduction to aha! she'll never leave me now, so I can do what I like and have a free ride.

I love your user name, SueNami, and I have faith in you.

**Posts:** 44 · by **SueNami** » Tue May 12, 2015 11:13 pm

Candid wrote:
But you didn't stop letting him impact your life, and now the challenge has come around again so you can get it right this time.

YES. Thank you for this. THIS is the absolute truth and it needs to change.

I am going to do a trident tonight! Just the thought is empowering...

I will say I agree with 'no man is wonderful' thing. I suppose its an easy word tobthrow out there. In reality the first man I dated I thought was AMAZING. He was perfect! Lol

Luckily I didnt ignore my emotions as a guide. He ended up being self centered and completely unconcerned with me, my goals, ambitions. I kicked him to the curb during a Friday night dinner and never looked back. He begged me to see him again...and in one of my proudest post marriage moments I told him 'absolutely not. I don't owe you anything. I'm taking care of me and that means you are GONE.'

the current man I'm dating I made chase me for three months. Its been another three months we are dating. He is overall a good man. Independent. Has a good career. Owns his home. Lives very drama free. BUT there are red flags here and there. I've learned to acknowledge them and then simply go on and enjoy my time with him anyway, because I do. I'm not ready for it to be more than it is. I trust him more than I've trusted anyone in a long time, but it is very...real. I see his weaknesses. I'm sure there are faults I dont even know about. But for now he's respectful and supportive and is a friend everyday regardless of whether we see each other that week.

In other words... he may not be mr right, but I think he is mr right now. Likewise he values aspects of my personality he hasnt seen in a long time. Who knows we may grow together...but at the least I believe we are both adding to the quality of each others lives.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate you putting the time you did into a response. I feel much better after reading it.

**Posts:** 1554 · by **laureat** » Wed May 13, 2015 12:44 am

mother nature has its own ways to keep us safe
Anger is there to protect us,
Fear is there to protect us

The conflict is that in our modern life intellectually sometimes we have to make decisions wich are unnatural, against our nature so we have to face our fears and anger

Otherwise in a wild world, we would not have to face our fears and anger we would simply run away from,

For example we have bad days in our jobs, we create anger but intellectually we cannot run away from, we have to make ourselves comfortable with the unconfortable, because no job = no money,

But we have to search to become comfortable with the uncomfortable sometimes , surrendering to the intellectual ideas

When you say, i am angry, it simply means you had some bad days and as a result you feel angry , afraid

but as you keep aiming good times, anger disappeaRs

After having some good times in life, lots of times we find ourself being like " why would i ever think so negative before? "

**Posts:** 9886 · by **Candid** » Wed May 13, 2015 8:46 am

SueNami wrote:he may not be mr right, but I think he is mr right now.

I like this! More power to you, SueNami.

**Posts:** 1152 · by **Leo Volont** » Wed May 13, 2015 12:46 pm

Dear Sue Nami,

(oh, great name!)

Hey, Candid is giving some great advice… really top form. I can only add incidentals. By the way, I am a very old man, and have much in my life that I regret… doesn’t everybody? Now, when you say that you were angry with your Ex-Husband, well, really? I suppose you know that ‘he’ was not the one who agreed to marry him… it was ‘you’. You had this Perfect Life, and then found this terrible man to throw it away on. Hey, it happens! I had a bad marriage. And I love English Literature, and I can’t count the number of books which are based around the tragedy of good people getting into misguided relationships.

You know, now that I think about it, the way us Human Beings bond sexually, well, it all seems very expedient… people tend to fall in love quickly, and much of the appeal is purely physical – is the specimen Big, Strong, and Healthy? And that seems to be enough for the Human ‘Fall In Love’ process to kick in. In modern social terms, well, that is nearly not enough. And there is little in the way of Institutional Support to check the behavior and decisions we make while hyped up on Love’s Hormones. It is all too typical to ignore the advice of friends and relatives when they warn “the guy just gives me the wrong feeling”, which is as polite as they can say they think your boyfriend is a creep and a loser.

I agree wholeheartedly with Candid, that you should definitely let the dust settle before committing to any new relationship. Indeed, I go past her with the thought that to get back your Perfect Life, well, go it Alone! Make all your own decisions. Why tether yourself to another man… no matter how wonderful? Even the Best Guy will come with some conditions and restrictions… imposing limits of one kind or another. Even if it is just imposed Monogamy. Being with One Man keeps you from dating other interesting men, doesn’t it? Also, if you are Free, then you can take the opportunity of letting Well Positioned Men help you out, with your Career, or with your hobbies, or with your child’s education, and all without feeling, well, like you are somehow ‘betraying’ the Man you Tie Yourself To. Keeping Free, keeps all of your Options Open. Why ever throw that away?

And there are a great many men who really admire Independent Women who don’t seem to be on the prowl to chain some man down. Intelligent Men, like Intelligent Women, KNOW there will always be NEW interesting People out there.

Anyway, you made a Mistake. A Big Mistake – okay. As I said before, everyone has made mistakes. You can’t look back. You can’t spend the rest of your life wringing your hands, or blaming somebody else. Move one. Look forward. Honestly, I have good feeling about you. I think you will end up doing great.

Oh… personal story…. When I first got divorced… decades ago. Well, I saw it as a ‘failure’. Men hate failure. And so I wanted to make up for it by ‘succeeding’ in a new relationship. Well, it was a bit hit and miss, dating and all of that. Then, in my circle of friends was this older, sensible and mature lady, and she worked as a ‘fortune teller’. Well, nobody believes in that, but what one does believe is that a good Fortune Teller tells people what they need to hear. Sort of like the Poor Person’s Psychiatrist… anyway, I discussed my issues with her, and she made the most profound comment… she said “Leo, I feel that when you were married you were utterly miserable, but that now that you are alone, you are actually the happiest you have ever been in your entire life”. Wow! I realized she was right. For all my wanting to get into a new relationship, being Without Such a Relationship, I was walking around with a perpetual smile on my face, whistling happy tunes, being the Life of the Party. I was Happy Alone. Now, it took many years for that Lesson to truly sink in. I was still a young man, and dating seemed to be pro-forma. And with Dating, well, there is nearly always the expectancy of some future ‘commitment’. Thank God, that before I ever again ‘committed’ that I remembered the Lady’s good advice… That if one is already the Happiest Person in the World, why make any kind of a Change? Why tamper with the Perfect Life… as you had done…

**Posts:** 44 · by **SueNami** » Wed May 13, 2015 2:33 pm

laureat wrote:mother nature has its own ways to keep us safe
Anger is there to protect us,
Fear is there to protect us
"

WOW.

Can I just tell you that this really resonated with me. OK, so skip back a few years...before the chaos of a baby and failing marriage... I was pretty well centered... almost zen like even. lol. BUT I used to operate under the premise a) the brain seeks out pleasure and b)that all negative emotion stemmed from fear. I would stop and ask myself when feeling something negative "What are you afraid of?" the result was myself acknowledging and taking responsibility for my own emotions. The result was acceptance of A LOT of things that on the surface didn't seem like a good thing.

But I'll tell you something... my 'zen' was not extremely resilient. If I were pushed my attitude would go down hill pretty quick.

Reading your comments about anger something clicked... Anger and fear are two different emotions- and they most likely evolved from two different needs. What if fear was designed to protect us? (fear of that snake, lion, or body of water I can't see into) and what if anger was designed to tell us something needs to change? I can't think of many things in nature we would get angry at. BUT in today's world there are plenty....

I'm just thinking out loud here, but it seems like anger grows. What if anger not only prompts us to change a situation, but is something we create in order to produce the incentive to make the change? How often have I heard people say "You need to get angry!" Anger prompts action. Perhaps that is it's sole purpose???

And of course all the issues that arise when something can't change. Either it's not something we control, and we have to accept it. Perhaps acceptance is the single best way to diffuse anger....

But now thinking back to my 'zen'..... I wonder how different things would have been if instead of focusing on fear... but instead everytime I was irritated/pissed off/etc I simply asked "What needs to change? What action do I need to take?" ... WOW. It would have been 1) A lot more of an assertive approach to like and 2)would have actually resulted in change instead of me just having to 'accept' the same old bs over and over again...

Thank you Laureat. This is really good stuff to think about. I think I'll incorporate this into my trident. lol. What an empowering way to make sure I don't fall into the same repetitive situations.

**Posts:** 44 · by **SueNami** » Wed May 13, 2015 2:52 pm

Leo Volont wrote: I suppose you know that ‘he’ was not the one who agreed to marry him… it was ‘you’.

Ahhh yes. I'll tell you a secret. This was the BIGGEST MISTAKE. and something I truly felt bad about- not just to feel sorry for myself, but I always felt bad for him. Here I was unhappy with him and yet I WAS THE ONE who married him. I'll tell you a secret. I was going to dump him. Then my mom died. My family was torn apart, older siblings going after one another, me crying in the mix. He was there for me. In those moments of grieving I didn't want to be alone. We eloped. Shame on me. Shame on him. But it was a horrible time to make such an important decision. so yes, I agree with your statement and take responsibility. BUT I still hold him accountable for all his douchbaggery. (yes I coined that term lol)

Leo Volont wrote:You know, now that I think about it, the way us Human Beings bond sexually, well, it all seems very expedient… people tend to fall in love quickly, and much of the appeal is purely physical – is the specimen Big, Strong, and Healthy? And that seems to be enough for the Human ‘Fall In Love’ process to kick in. In modern social terms, well, that is nearly not enough.

Again, can't agree more. In fact my ex hated when he would tell me he loved me and I would say "that's just the oxytocin talking". I started to refer to it as oxyTOXIN because it really does poison our brain. lol

Leo Volont wrote: I agree wholeheartedly with Candid, that you should definitely let the dust settle before committing to any new relationship. Indeed, I go past her with the thought that to get back your Perfect Life, well, go it Alone! Make all your own decisions. Why tether yourself to another man… no matter how wonderful? Even the Best Guy will come with some conditions and restrictions… imposing limits of one kind or another. Even if it is just imposed Monogamy. Being with One Man keeps you from dating other interesting men, doesn’t it? Also, if you are Free, then you can take the opportunity of letting Well Positioned Men help you out, with your Career, or with your hobbies, or with your child’s education, and all without feeling, well, like you are somehow ‘betraying’ the Man you Tie Yourself To. Keeping Free, keeps all of your Options Open. Why ever throw that away?

This is a hard thing for me. Yes I agree with both of you- make your own decision, make your own life...then find someone that will fit into it with you- I agree I agree I agree. However I will tell you this...I don't have much of a support system. None in fact. And sometimes being alone is a VERY LONELY PLACE. That being said- after dating the first guy (dare I say rebound?) I DID come to the conclusion that I would rather be alone than with the wrong guy. BUT I'd rather be with A right guy than be alone. My ideal life does involve someone else. But that someone else is very specific, including NOT NEEDING to be in my life 100% of the time. As I said before, the guy I'm dating isn't really Mr Right... but he is good for me. And I'll take that right now.

ALSO- i think it's important to acknowledge those hormones. He and I are both very aware. In one conversation about how we feel/think of each other I said to him "How I feel is comfortable and trusting. What I think is you are a good guy. I won't tell you what I feel when I feel the best about you (because that is hormone driven), but what I will tell you is what I think when I think the worst of you - You have faults, you are not perfect. But overall we are compatible and at the end of the day I can value and appreciate things about you that I have not been able to in past relationships."

I appreciate your feedback. My goal right now isn't to find the perfect man or have the perfect life...it's simply to be happy again. For me, a relationship is part of that. But just a part.

**Posts:** 9886 · by **Candid** » Thu May 14, 2015 7:28 am

SueNami wrote:What if anger not only prompts us to change a situation, but is something we create in order to produce the incentive to make the change? How often have I heard people say "You need to get angry!" Anger prompts action. Perhaps that is it's sole purpose???

Yes, that's its point. It's a healthy response to perceived injustice or breached boundaries, and becomes unhealthy only when it's dammed up. That's why I rarely post in Anger Management ... because the idea of controlling the feeling rather than taking action makes no sense to me.

Perhaps acceptance is the single best way to diffuse anger....

I believe it needs to be expressed first, or there can be a suspicion of throwing pink paint over it. Anger is an "attack" emotion. Someone has hit me, my instinct is to hit back. But what to do when the offender is much bigger than you are, or armed, or geographically removed, or dead ... ie. unavailable. Or worst of all, laughs in your face? The "attack" emotion is still there, and impotent rage will attack its host. I believe this is the genesis of most if not all harmful addictions and other forms of self-sabotage.

I wonder how different things would have been if instead of focusing on fear... but instead everytime I was irritated/pissed off/etc I simply asked "What needs to change? What action do I need to take?" ... WOW. It would have been 1) A lot more of an assertive approach to like and 2)would have actually resulted in change instead of me just having to 'accept' the same old bs over and over again...

Wisdom, SueNami.

I think I'll incorporate this into my trident. lol. What an empowering way to make sure I don't fall into the same repetitive situations.

The central, longest and most important prong. Who said anger was a bad thing??

**Posts:** 9886 · by **Candid** » Thu May 14, 2015 7:57 am

SueNami wrote:However I will tell you this...I don't have much of a support system. None in fact. And sometimes being alone is a VERY LONELY PLACE.

I knew there must be a reason why I was drawn to your thread! I'm the everything-comes-down-to-child-abuse mouthpiece on this forum, and where people have relational issues I know it always began with the way they were treated by their families of origin.

I'm the out-and-proud card-carrying black sheep, scapegoat and outcast of my FOO. About the kindest thing they did was ostracise me. Small wonder I struggle with addictions; I know I'm angry with me -- for continuing to go back and keep trying all those years when they were doing everything but hurl rocks to drive me away.

Isolation? Relationship difficulties? Tell me about it!!

I DID come to the conclusion that I would rather be alone than with the wrong guy. BUT I'd rather be with A right guy than be alone. My ideal life does involve someone else.

I can't imagine anyone suggesting that's a bad plan. We aren't designed to go through life alone, and it's much harder than being part of a couple where the relationship works. But being half of a couple that doesn't work is hardest of all. Most relationships -- intimate partner, friend, work situations -- involve one party supplying what the other needs, in a reciprocal way.

I said to him "How I feel is comfortable and trusting. What I think is you are a good guy. I won't tell you what I feel when I feel the best about you (because that is hormone driven), but what I will tell you is what I think when I think the worst of you - You have faults, you are not perfect. But overall we are compatible and at the end of the day I can value and appreciate things about you that I have not been able to in past relationships."

I think that's unfortunate. It smacks of Victorian parenting, in which good behaviour is presumed to be the norm and bad behaviour is punished. I like the more modern approach to child-rearing: "Catch them doing something right." Praise for what you approve has been shown to be more powerful than condemnation for what you don't. Certainly in the case of children, hearing only what's wrong about them makes them inclined to give up, with the feeling that no matter what they do they'll never get it right. Cue all kinds of anti-social or downright criminal activities. Either that or endless depression that masks anger at injustice, sadness at feeling unloved, fear that the rest of the world will see nothing but their faults.

Perhaps that was the way you were raised? Your current partner accepting it certainly suggests that was true for him.

Children thrive on praise. Adults do too.

**Posts:** 44 · by **SueNami** » Thu May 14, 2015 1:50 pm

Candid wrote: ...where people have relational issues I know it always began with the way they were treated by their families of origin....

I agree. Completely.

Candid wrote: About the kindest thing they did was ostracise me.... Isolation? Relationship difficulties? Tell me about it!!

Yeah, unfortunately in my family it was me choosing to leave. Which I think carries with it a sense of guilt.... But I had an interesting childhood. NOT BAD at all. Just not loving. But my mother, despite her lack of affection, never hesitated to demonstrate self worth in a different way. She encouraged us to stand up for ourselves, to be our own best advocate and never feel sorry because it doesn't please someone else. When she died and some of the siblings true colors came out, I walked away. The betrayal that was done demanded it. But it's still a regret. Not that I did it, but that it couldn't be different....

Candid wrote: Perhaps that was the way you were raised? Your current partner accepting it certainly suggests that was true for him.
Children thrive on praise. Adults do too.

Perhaps I didn't set the stage for this convo quite right. I actually make it a point to tell him in the moment when I appreciate something. it could be his time, effort, a kind word, etc. But being a parent myself has made me realize that YES the desired behavior must absolutely be reinforced. Our relationship is actually very intimate and tender. We are always kind and gentle with each other and a great trust has grown out of that.

BUT that convo was one where we were discussing our relationship. US. Where we see it going. I wasn't going to sit there and tell him I love him...because those emotions come at the best times. Usually the intimate times where the oxytocin is flowing... THAT isn't what sets him apart. What sets him apart is that even when I'm irritated at the world and he manages to get on my short list, my list of grievances with him is VERY short. It's that even when I think the worst of him, it's not that bad. He's not perfect. BUT what I do think is that despite those faults, we are still compatible. I still value and appreciate and respect things about him that I have not found before. Those faults of his are uncomfortable for me in most cases because of my issues. SOOOO either his faults help me grow...or I cave. lol. He has growth to do if he chooses to do it. Which is why I said we will either grow together, or not...but either way I think we are good for each other right now.

And I actually think his parenting was great! His mom and dad were married for 50 years until his dad passed 5 years ago. He said they never fought infront of the kids. Affection from mom and dad. Both were involved with raising them. I'm a little jealous of that. lol.

**Posts:** 1152 · by **Leo Volont** » Thu May 14, 2015 2:17 pm

Dear Sue Nami,

Yes, yes.... I do understand WHY it is sometimes necessary, or preferable, to 'go it alone'. Being Independent may be something I quite take for granted. many people simply need to pair up for the simple mathematical fact that Two Can Live (with two combined incomes) almost twice as well as one. Two Pay Checks paying the Utiliities.... Two Pay Checks paying the Rent or Mortgage.... and from the Guy's point of view.... Girls.... well they eat practically nothing. Couples, in this Day and Age, live at a Higher Standard of Living then single people. Most Governments even give them Tax Breaks! Like there aren't already so many advantages....

and.... well.... he does seem like a Good Guy. you seem to have your Eyes Wide Open (this time)

Oh! Your Earlier Story, about all the events that lead you to your Bad Marriage.... well! Its ALL very convincing. ANYBODY would have done what you did! Maybe you should become a Novelist. It would make great and instructive literature. You seem to have a good knack at writing. Least wise, you are not 'tweeting' us.

BUT! Before Totally committing to this New Guy, who really does seem nice, well, let him know that. although you are not leaving it up to him, in any sense, that you are seeking once again to rebuild your Perfect Life, and that you only ask his Support, but will never ask his Permission.

you have suffered enough. You have regrets enough. Now, it must be a direct and unstoppable line to the Exact Life that you Want.

Oh.... knock on wood... but I remember the old saying -- 'God preserve us from the Things we wish for'.... Make sure that your Perfect Life really is 'perfect'.

**Posts:** 9886 · by **Candid** » Thu May 14, 2015 2:40 pm

SueNami wrote: I walked away. The betrayal that was done demanded it. But it's still a regret. Not that I did it, but that it couldn't be different....

Yes, I understand that. I too would have preferred to have family love and support -- life would have been very different -- but I don't have it and never did have it. To be honest my only regret now is that I tried so hard for so long to be whatever it was they wanted. I could have got started in what I wanted much sooner!

**Posts:** 1554 · by **laureat** » Thu May 14, 2015 10:53 pm

our approach always gets better
i hope you having a good time there, i hope you do good

I lost control last night... any suggestions?

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