Going to cut a long story short. Been suffering with either anxiety, PTSD, Depersonilzation, or OCD as i obsessively think about my condition all day. And its been going on for nearly one yr.
Life was excellent before of March2014. I'm 42, happily married, with two young children. Right now, with my life, there's no reason to be anxious anymore apart from the fact that I think about my condition all day which obviously has a tremendous affect on me. I've triggered a mental illness here and have been struggling to let it go. I was not abused, have a loving family, no marital problems, relatively stress free job, do not believe i would have EVER had mental issues had i not dabbled with recreational drugs back in the 90's. did not have any issues as a kid. (any kids reading this.. Please don't do drugs !)
I did have a major episode & in many ways worse back in the early 90's, when i was a dumb kid, by going to a rave, and I took escasty, LSD and smoked marijuana. Followed by a panic attack..next day i knew i was in for hell from the anxiety i was immediately feeling. Had the worst yr of my life. But i did pull through, and without even really knowing how, it all became a distant memory. Took at least a yr though of severe anxiety, mental OCD type torment, panic attacks, the whole nine yards. BUT i did pull through, and truth be known, i was confident in my own mental state, that i was mentally stronger as a result of all that. I think what pulled me thru was experiencing love / heartbreak a few times over played and broke my train of thought.
Come 2014, 20yrs on, seemingly getting on with my life like any normal person does, i suffered a seriously stressful incident, (but no more than other times in my life) which 'apparently' triggered PTSD I believe though the trauma i suffered back in the 90's was instantly relived, and i've sort of got a double whammy of PTSD. Now i'm just doing OCd to keep it alive. I had a tenant from hell which caused unbelievable amounts of stress, and i lost my ability to relax, sleep, went on sleeping pills, and then started immediately analyzing everything, from a visual standpoint. Like you do if you're on LSD.
Today my symptoms are, still visual, i feel like i'm almost stoned, or on a mild LSD trip. I'm analysing all my colors, feeling spaced out. Bouts of panic that I'll stay like this forever, and the worst part for me is that I spend all day thinking about it. Which only makes it worse.
Decided this week to do something about it.. went into one of these walk in mental clinics and gave them a run down (breaking down in tears) My wife knows what's going on so i took her along. She's mentally solid, never touched drugs so doesn't understand the visual symptoms, but understands i'm going thru a very tough time.
The initial appointment was with a social worker, and she said, sounds to her that i'm suffering from PTSD from the tenant from hell. (who she reckons triggered all of this. Even though i got rid of him in Oct2014) He did cause six months of major anxiety.
However now he's long gone, i've not stopped thinking about my mental state. I've started creating new phobia's and anxiety's in my own mind. Things such as telling myself, all my colors look vivid, or that I'm dizzy, or that the contrast is turned up. Feeling spaced out. Seems to me that I'm fueling it all myself.
I have an appointment with a psychiatric doc in a month and a therapist, cos that was the soonest they could get me in.
But a month is another long month of suffering to me. I also have an appointment with my general health practitioner next week. Though during my initial anxiety he offered to put my on some SRRI's, i declined.. Wanted to get thru this without the aid of meds.. However, now realizing i'm just making myself worse. I'm now ready to take the meds. and the CBT and whatever else they recommend.
Can the meds help with the obsessive thinking about this mental illness ? The good news is if I'm socializing, cycling or doing a hobby like thing, it DOES goes away.. ONLY to come back, once i've stopped. Could be all night socializing and being normal.. So i know I'm curable. The key here is to stop thinking about it, and all my symptoms will go away. I've created a 100 visual reminders to myself that i'm off whack... & i just can't stop thinking about it, during my normal routine life.. Remember this has been going on for nearly a yr now.
I need to stop the analyzing, and need to stop the thinking about it... The doc I'm seeing next week is not a head doc, and i know SRRI's take a couple of weeks before anything happens, so going to ask for something, ANYTHING that 'may' help, but not sure what ones i should be asking for. As mentioned in my first sentence, if i was to self diagnose, i'd say I'm OCD cos of the obsessive thinking, PTSD, cos of what happened in 93, and March 2014, and general anxiety cos i can't stop worrying about my mental state.. I very much doubt anything wrong with my physically, and i even had my eyes checked, which came back 20/20
Sorry for the long story (even though I said i'd cut it short) just feel its important to explain the entire history.
If the SRRI's don't help, i'm just scared i'll live a miserable life full of ocd like crap to deal with for the next 20-30yrs. Not suicidal, but not feeling great either, and not embracing life. Feel bad for my wife, who's lost her husband to this illness.
