You'll probably think I'm a dislikeable reading this.
I've always found that people usually end up being abusive to me in some way.
I've had very few romantic relationships and have spend most of my adult life single. I was abused growing up by my mother and I have flip flopped between being too kind to others (which led me to be raped in one occasion) and being too guarded.
I'm 40 now. I feel so alone. There's only one person in my life I feel hadn't ever overstepped my boundaries and he's an incredibly easy going pacifist and probably tollerates me to be kind.
I'm close to finishing a PhD but being from a very working class background I attract people who aren't as bookish. It feels like they like the idea of a clever freind but not the reality. I'm accused of being snobbish, a know it all, looking down on people - when I genuinely try and mitigate for these things. I really have an incredibly slow self esteem but I'm a stickler for facts and truth. My professional integrity means a lot. My brain is all I feel I have going for me.
It really wears me out when I can tell people just love proving me wrong or getting one over in me to feed thier own ego.
I'm clinically vulnerable to Covid-19 and having anxit too I've been scared to leave the house for 8 months. I make a trip to the shops about once a month.
I miss my one friend dearly. I miss having coffees with people. But I'm starting to see how cruel and heartless the world is. Everyone seems to be hyper agressive.
I just don't feel like I fit in the world anymore and I've kinda got to like the isolation but also I'm so damn lonely.
Also health issues have meant that what's should have been a 5year part time PhD (from 31-36 y/o) is now going to take me into my 9th year (31-40) so I've had my child bearing years robbed by clinical negligence I can't claim for (complicated story) and my friends suicide which out me into a state of PTSD.
Just as I reach the end of my PhD I've got to chose - career or IVF. Either waste the last 9 years of sacrifice, or sacrifice being a mother. And even if I do chose motherhood I've got no choice but to go it alone.
I've had such a cursed life I don't know how I've made it this far. But every set back gets harder.
Ti make it worse my landlord is threatening to kick me out because I had the audacity to ask for an emergency gas engineer to come out because I'm T1 diabetic. He told me I did his head in and brought it on myself (the carbon monoxide alarm had gone off so I called the emergency services). Naturally I got upset about that. I called him a ride name and out the phone down. Now he's saying he won't renew my tannact but equally won't serve a formal eviction notice - a) because he has no grounds and b) because it will help me get social housing.
Why is my life such a mess?
I have always tried to help others. But mostly I experience people trying to take advantage of me.