I cannot control my temper with a few of my loved ones.

I would suggest checking with your doctor to see if there is a physical explanation for what you describe - hormonal maybe. If you use a oral contraceptive, could that be connected.

If that side of things checks out OK, could this change in your temperament be explained by an increase in your stress levels? Most of us experience a natural rise and fall in stress levels but if life events cause our overall pattern of stress to climb it can go unnoticed but come out as short-temperedness.

Are there any changes in your sleeping or eating patterns that might indicate some change?

Another line of thought could be to think of any testing times when you don't get angry. Can you think of any similar events to those where you have become angry but remained calm? If so, what could be making the difference?

You have included information about your father while describing your short-temperedness with your b/f, does that indicate that you feel there may be some connection? You seem to have quite strong ideas about male:female roles and I get the impression that you are disappointed with your father? If that is the case, how does that affect you deep down in your heart? Are you angry with him because the previous image you had of him has apparently melted away? Do you feel let down by your father? Has that cause you to perhaps have an uneasy feeling deep down that maybe your b/f might let you down one day? Could the experience with your father have caused you to have less faith in men generally?

If you do feel angry with your father could that anger be a container for sadness and disappointment - if you look inside the anger what will you find?

Could you perhaps challenge your thinking about male:female roles?

Perhaps considering that your father is after all only human and, like most of us, less than perfect, could help you accept him as he is? Maybe he has changed to some extent, but perhaps as your powers of perception have become more sophisticated so you have a less idealised image of him? That would be quite natural.

Sorry to put so many questions - if there is any connection between the issue you have with your father and your temperament then they are for you to explore in your own time. But maybe just reflecting on these points might help you to dismiss what you feel is clearly not relevant.

I would suggest checking out the possibility of there being a related physical cause first, and then try counselling if nothing physical shows up. You could also try the relaxation exercises on this site if you think this may be stress related.

Hi,

I agree with the above reply but I also wanted to add this: do you think there is a possibility that your displacing your anger towards your father on your boyfriend? If you have suppressed/unleashed anger towards your father and you find yourself sometimes, unnecessarily, lashing out at your boyfriend, perhaps you are venting your anger towards a much more accessible and easy male target, the boyfriend, instead of going to the source, your father.

The fact that you spoke about anger towards your father and then went on to discuss your temper with your boyfriend led me to believe that you are almost making that connection yourself, but not with full consciousness.

Whatever the case, the fact that you are addressing being unfairly critical of your boyfriend and want to change that quality is a first step--that you should feel good about!

Good luck with both those relationships.

Hello, thanks for your reply. Coach is right to point out that I am disappointed with my father. I guess, all of us wanted a hero for father. So when you find out that he is not what you have visualised in your mind... you don't feel good.

I will follow your advice and learn that no one is perfect or flawless. I wanted so much to improve on my r/s with my father. I keep telling myself to be more polite to him, to take the initiative to talk to him more. But... dunno why, when he is near, I just get pissed. *shake head* I guess... we have drifted apart all these years... and to improve on this r/s takes more than just a few days.

As for my bf. I dunno. I really dunno if I am 'punishing' him for the disappointment I feel for my dad. I do realise that they r 2 different persons altogether. But... why him? Why not my brothers? Why him? I mean... my bf has no relation to my father at all. So... if really I am targeting my anger for my father towards my bf... what could be the logical explanation?

Now... what I want to do... is really to practice the relaxation techniques I learnt here. I dunno if it works. And I hope I remember to put them to use when I feel my anger working. How do I know if I need counselling? I dun think it is that serious yet, right? I mean... I only have cold wars or disagreement now. Not really being violent.