The monster in side.

Garethpaul wrote:My names Gareth I'm 33 and you would think I would be able to keep my family happy and safe. I'm just starting back on anger management course an also counciling. I've recently lost my partner an both my daughters due to the fact I can't control who I became I've never hit a woman in my life I still haven't but that night I left the family home both my daughters thought I was gonna hit there mum I wasn't but they didn't know that at the time.
That was the part where everything in side me was destroyed having your eldest stand in front of you crying an breaking her heart because my mouth acted before my head shouting an screaming at there mum the stuff I said was horrible an unforgiving.

Hi Gareth,

Yes, often we are a bit over-stressed by Work and Family Responsibilities, and don’t get enough sleep, and it kind of frazzles the Nerves. But this should only create a bit of irritability unless Adrenaline is thrown into the mix. The episode you described was Anger propelled by an Adrenaline Rush. Yes, even when an Adrenaline Fueled Anger Episode doesn’t get explicitly Violent, all the Intensity of it give those involved, or those who are bystanders, the sense that Violence could well be immanent – it really DOES scare people!

Most New Angry People think that Adrenaline is ‘Instant On’. Their Impression is that they go from being In Control of themselves to being ‘Flick of a Switch’ Out Of Control. However, it really Does take a Few Seconds for an Adrenaline Rush to Ramp Up. If you Catch the Adrenaline Rush just as it is starting, you can shut it down. You see, the First Sign of an Adrenaline Rush is a tightening of the Jaw Muscles – a Clenching of the Teeth, probably because the Jaws are closest to the Brain or the Arterial Blood Supply from the Adrenal Glands. But if THE VERY INSTANT your Jaws Tighten you have the presence of mind to simply RELAX your jaws, it sends a kind of a Signal to your Adrenal System that whatever Triggered the Adrenaline Rush was a False Alarm, and the Adrenaline stops before enough of it to Drive You Crazy is circulating.

If you want to Practice on Knowing what the First Sign of an Adrenaline Rush is, well, this Exercise had worked for me – You take a pin or needle and you GO to jab yourself in the hand! Most of the Time just getting Ready to Stab Yourself with a Needle is ENOUGH to show you what the First Stage of an Adrenaline Rush is. And when you Notice It – your Jaws Clenching, or Whatever Happens, simply Relax that Response and you can see that the Adrenaline subsides.

Of course, even if you DO THIS and it Works, you would Still have a Big Problem with your little Family. You have seriously frightened them, and that will take some Serious ‘Living Down’, as they say. Perhaps you can make it easier for them on a temporary basis if you can afford to Stay Somewhere Else for a while. Talk it over with your wife. You could tell her that you are going to look at various Anger Management Options, but in any case you will need a little while to get Your New Act Together. Tell her and the Kids that you are open to Invitations – you could have Dinner with the Family once in a while (stay no longer than an hour… it is Crucial that you be on your Best Behavior the Whole Time, and so you don’t want to push yourself past your, or their, endurance).

Yes, you might have an easy time of learning to deal with your Adrenaline, but after that, well, even Irritability is annoying and hard on relationships, and so you should pursue Anger Management simply to minimize your baseline irritability. I could recommend books. If you were good in school or have an advanced Education then Books is probably all that you would need, though if you have a good Health Plan (which is less and less likely as we all head into our Brave New World) you would probably enjoy going to Therapy.

Anyway, Let me know if any of this helps.

Hi mate thanks for the reply. Means a lot someone taking the time to talk to me I'm going back to meetings with anger management. What torn me apart the most was my 2 girls there both 16 and 17 they've seen a lot in there life with there mums past relationships I was the one who was trusted now they can txt me call me talk at all to me. I've had enough of this side if me coming out when I've got a family to think of. I find it really hard to control your methods will be used I'm gonna give them ago tonight after work. But thank you so much for taking the time out to help me.

Gareth.

Garethpaul wrote:Hi mate thanks for the reply. Means a lot someone taking the time to talk to me I'm going back to meetings with anger management. What torn me apart the most was my 2 girls there both 16 and 17 they've seen a lot in there life with there mums past relationships I was the one who was trusted now they can txt me call me talk at all to me. I've had enough of this side if me coming out when I've got a family to think of. I find it really hard to control your methods will be used I'm gonna give them ago tonight after work. But thank you so much for taking the time out to help me.

Gareth.

Let me know how it goes.

Oh, and maybe it would help to Reassure each of the three in your family. Especially your Wife in some private One on One time. Tell her that you are Seriously looking into this Anger Issue of yours and that you Will So Something about it... that you have already Started, and that you will see it through. and then with each of the girls, ... well, it doesn't have to be a Big Announcement with them, though you would know best, but I would just wait for Moments of Opportunity in your house's Common Areas to just walk up and get one of their Attentions (one at a time or both is your judgment call) and just speak softly and tell them that you are going to work on your Anger Problem and that it might take a while, so please be patient. Shouldn't take more than 10 seconds (remember that after your Anger Episode the girls may still be a bit skittish about you) so keeping it short and out in the open would make them less nervous about it.

Got my first meeting today with Jemma it's for abuse counciling Jemma's coming with me for the support but also it'll be nice to show someone how it's been for me over the years.
I've been looking into what advice you've given me it's a real help reading also what others have put on here. Thank you for talking Leo really means a lot

Garethpaul wrote:Got my first meeting today with Jemma it's for abuse counciling Jemma's coming with me for the support but also it'll be nice to show someone how it's been for me over the years.
I've been looking into what advice you've given me it's a real help reading also what others have put on here. Thank you for talking Leo really means a lot

Hi Gareth,

I wonder whether Abuse Counseling is similar to Anger Management Therapy. I know that one of my favorite anger management authors had recently written a new College Textbook entitled "Handbook of Anger Management and Domestic Violence Offender Treatment" by Ronald Potter-Efron, and it is cited as being somewhat 'revolutionary' in that he treats Domestic Violence largely as a result of Anger, where Traditionally the Experts on Domestic Violence were dealing with Domestic Violence in terms of sexual social victim-perpetrator dynamics and all sorts of other weird obscure things. Potter-Efron's New Treatment Model, that approaches Domestic Violence as sourcing out of ordinary Anger, has a significantly higher success rate than the older models of treatment. which means that if you have Domestic Violence Issues then you are more likely to Get Effective Help by going to Anger Management therapy rather than Domestic Violence Therapy, unless of course they have picked up on the New Methodology that is based around the Anger Management Methodologies.

So I am wondering whether the Abuse Counselors will treat you for your Anger? Maybe they will Head Trip you from a whole other direction (...sexual social victim-perpetrator dynamics and all sorts of other weird obscure things). I hope it is helpful, however, if what they present you with is Stuff that simply does not 'Ring True' to your sense of what was happening to you and what you feel your Problem is, then you might suggest that "Abuse Counseling" in your case might be the Wrong Fit and you should ask what the procedures would be to transfer into Anger Management Counseling. After all, you did not HIT anybody... you just yelled and screamed and acted 'Extremely Angry'.

the Potter-Efron book which combines Domestic Violence and Anger Management into one Therapy is a bit on the pricey side, but I am thinking of saving up to buy it. But for you it might be like your new Family Bible.

Again, let me know how it goes. Your experience will teach me something which I can use to help others.