Let’s Practice: ‘I Flipped Out At My Wife’

Candid wrote:
Bars really aren't good places to meet people. Neighbours are good. Volunteering is good. Any place where you're regularly exposed to the same people makes a good practice situation. Consider what kind of conversations and activities you enjoy, and scout around for an organisation where people like you get together. If you're comfortable identifying as a senior citizen, get long to one of those groups. I qualify, but I personally wouldn't join a group whose only commonality is our age. I got a huge charge, confidence boost and like-minded friends by starting a group of my own, though.

You can do this, Leo. The world is waiting for you.

Hi Candid,

Yes, I have found friends which I try to meet up with regularly. They really like me. They are very smart and educated and they recognized that in me. They own a Musical Instrument Store and their first impression of me was when I lectured them on having to have more violins, and when I came back to begrudgingly by an electric guitar, because, well, I needed something to play. While I speak my mind in stores, still, my public persona is very warm and congenial, and I must come off as ‘complaining to them’ rather than about them… always somebody else’s fault. But, yes, they started complaining when I did not come by often enough, and invited me to private parties and out to dinner and such. Real Friends.

And then I do have that winning public persona. In all of my usual stops – shopping and such – I have made a zillion ‘friends’… people that I can take a minute to speak to, and they remember me and ask about the ‘cats’ or this or that. People light up when I walk into the room, because they know that I am bringing some fun. For instance… on the New year I decided to shave me beard and cut my hair… too much maintenance. So some people no longer recognized me. At this one Big Store I was talking to the check out girl when this other lady tapped me shoulder and welcomed me with a big smile… she had recognized my Voice… she was wondering why I had not been coming around anymore.

So, yes, being ‘likeable’ has never been a problem for me. Oh, I remember ages ago when I was in College, a good friend of mine, in the Music Department confided in me that he can try and try and try to make friends wherever he goes, and it never works out, but he notices that I can walk into a room and chit chat and schmooze 20 minutes and have 5 new friends. My father once mentioned that about my Mother. Now HE was good at making friends, but he told me that with Mother it was a sort of Natural Genius with her. Even in places where she just Did Not Fit In, she STILL made friends. Incompatibility just did not matter where she was concerned. People just like her.

That was my Mother. I obviously took after her. So, you can’t say that I am grumpy and bitter… except on line here.

Hi Leo,
I think you sound like a fascinating man. There's something about.

Best wishes

Leo Volont wrote:Now, you have to remember how Old I am… I am guessing I am more than twice as old as you are.

So you're headed for your 130th birthday, Leo? Congratulations on your sound mind and use of the internet!

In short, I WAS NOT ALWAYS LIKE THIS.

Me neither. We all start life innocent and ignorant, and life changes us. I believe that's its point. I perceive myself as improving like a fine wine (having been laid down long ago), and I'm flattered that you thought me less than half your age. There are many references to my age on the forum, where relevant, but I don't make a big deal of it. You reference your age often, and I see both Inner and Outer critics using it for their nefarious purposes. Your Inner critic frequently says: "You'll have to excuse me, I'm a Very Old Man" while your outer critic does a lot of "When I was your age" and "Young People don't know anything about..." IOW, it's frequently been a way of lording it over people you consider lacking in wisdom.

This ^ isn't an attack, either. There's no evidence you've looked at the Inner and Outer Critic refs I gave you -- and I keep seeing them in your posts. For instance, I'm a firm believer in self-hypnosis, for good or evil. If you keep telling yourself "I'm an old man" your subconscious will seize on that and you'll be older than you need to be. I don't use my age as a reason/excuse for being 'unable' to do anything. Nor do I pull it out as some kind of ace when I'm in a debate with people younger than I am. ("I'm older than you are, therefore I'm right and you'll learn.") Point is, "When we were their age..." it was a different world. I find a lot of wisdom and kindness in the present generation, and on the whole they accord me respect based on what I say and do, not on my advanced age.

In Western Culture there is simply no guidance, given from a young enough age, to give people a good sense on how they are supposed to maintain their conduct in relationships.

I agree. If it isn't given by the parents, it isn't given at all. I could have done with some specific and targeted relational advice in school, something to let me know The World Out There was not the same as the way my family of origin played it. I certainly formed healthier relationships with teaching staff and other pupils, but because of the way I'd been treated at home I converted it into what I was accustomed to. All of us create the world we see around us based on what we have in our heads. If we don't like what we see, we have to change our minds. Literally.

It is not just MY OPINION. I dated actively for more than 40 years. I even got married once. Please, extend to me the courtesy that I may have seen something out there that you have not caught up with yet.

Okay, you've had an extra decade of dating experience. I only dated from 16 to 47. I got married twice, the second time at 49. The point is what I've learned along the way.

Maybe you are Thinking from Principle… how things SHOULD BE.

When it comes to self-preservation and relationships, I've learned from experience. It's been different to yours, obviously, but I go with The Course In Miracles thoughtline that the curriculum is pretty much the same for every human soul. We learn (or we don't learn) how to love: ourselves and other people -- and we do that in the pursuit of our own happiness. Life, god bless it, will keep whopping us over the head until we get the message.

My point of view is how it actually IS… given my empirical experience. I have no intellectual ax to grind.

If I may introduce an intellectual axe, I'll offer the notion that the observer affects the data, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Experimenter%27s_bias. Here's a classic example of empirical evidence being malleable:

I'm about to go shopping when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, notice I'm looking frumpy, think I ought to change my clothes but I haven't got time, nor can I think what else I might wear. I scurry to the supermarket hoping no one will notice me, make no eye contact, feel irritable and impatient in the long queue to pay, get home with my day ruined.

A week later I'm about to go shopping in the same outfit, and I notice I look pretty hot. Yay me, I must have been thinking happier thoughts. I notice other people, I smile, I get unsolicited compliments, I chat happily to other people waiting in line, everyone who looks at me also smiles. I get home on an energetic high.

And yes, I've noticed the difference between these two states of mind is linked to how well I slept last night, whether I've been boozing to excess, iow how well (or badly) I've been looking after myself. For decades I had more scurrying days than out-there days, and yes, Life kept whopping me on the head. I did notice, however, that plenty of people around me were doing much better. All of this was empirical fact-gathering.

Heck, I just wanted to get laid like everybody else.

I would argue that you wanted to be loved like everybody else. Orgasms are two-a-penny. Anyone can get laid, and most adults know how to have physically satisfying sex on our own. It's an emotional need that draws people together.

So the opinions I acquired did not come at my own welcoming. The Opinions I acquired by empirical observation were indeed against my own inclination and desires.

But, really, have you ever actually considered the real probable odds, that in the milieu of Western Cultural Chaos...

In Illusions, Richard Bach wrote: "Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours." I see your Outer Critic is on board today; you're arguing for the limitations of the Western Cultural Chaos you live in. It isn't about you, it's about declining moral standards in everyone else.

Candid, maybe you are still talking and presenting discussion points simply from the stand point of Hope… how you hope things will work out for yourself.

A paradox here: I love the way things have worked out for me -- and I hope things will get better. I want more sterling friendships, more money, a best-seller everyone's talking about and I'm deeply satisfied with life as it is. I don't claim to be a Finished Product. There are still mountains to climb. There are still 'scurrying' days. I'm still collecting data ... and I expect to be doing that until my mind goes or I get hit by a bus. Life-as-it-is is enough for me.

But, yes, that may be my disposition to see that people in the West don’t want to make friends and have smooth relationships… they want to One Up each other and score points…. Battle battle battle. Makes a good TV show, but it creates a mass culture of miserable lives.

I'm a fiction writer, and I can tell you there's no plot, no character arc, without Conflict. Plenty of couples meet, like each other, get married, have children, grow old together. Where's the story in that? You are quite right that soap operas mainly show people being horrible to each other, and no one ever learns better because if they did there'd be no cliffhanger. I hope you don't watch soaps, Leo.

There's also no plot and no character arc when a man chooses to live alone, in order to avoid conflict of any kind. What happens is the conflict becomes an inner one: I want intimacy vs Other People Hurt Me. Only by being with others can we learn about ourselves, grow and change, so I'm glad to hear you're loved and welcomed wherever you go. You also have a fan base here, and I don't think there's much difference between how we get on here and how we get on IRL.

If you're happy with your life, all well and good. But if you'd like an intimate relationship, I wouldn't spend too much time looking at "Divorce Statistics! the Media! The subtext of most TV and Movies!" Real people are so much more lovable and interesting.

I am a woman who used to excercise very heavily and happily. However, I was careful that no expensive vases were in "kick range". I could forgive this.....the thing was one of a kind and you got angry. THAT is a reason. But, like my topic I recently posted, what about the outbursts that have that much rage but no legitimate reason?

Hi Medusa,

I gave you a long and involved answer to this question in your dedicated post, but, here, to answer in brief, well, I think that a Woman's perception of 'RAGE' is often mistaken. when a Guy talks like he does with other Guys, it is often quite usual for the inexperienced woman, who's never lived much with a man before, to run off and cry -- "Oh! Quit Yelling at Me!" Believe me, Guys really find that puzzling and disturbing. Are Women REALLY that WEAK and Sensitive? None of the Guys at work break down and cry and run to their rooms.... or run to the Boss and complain. It is the WAY guys communicate.

Its nothing personal.

In fact, now that I think about it... it might be a Cultural Phenomena connected with Gasoline Containing Lead. Studies show that it makes people irritable. Well, for over 70 years, the urban East Coast was drenching in Leaded Gasoline and all those Fumes. it probably made EVERYONE irritable, and the Language developed new Forms in order to Express this Ubiquitous Irritability. The Men more than the Women, because, well, until Recently in History, only the Men exposed themselves extensively to gasoline fumes, while the women stayed home, drank coffee, watch daytime TV and gossiped (now, why they gave up THAT sweet gig so they would have to go to work and be miserable Wage Slaves like their Husbands, ... that is different question)....

Leo Volont wrote:I just totally lost it! My wife was doing her video aerobics in the living room, her attention glued to the TV, when the silly aerobics routine she was following had them do a spinning kick or something. Well, my wife pirouetted around and knocked my precious 15th Century Ming Vase off its marble pedestal, and a second later my most treasured family heirloom was in a thousand worthless pieces. Yes, we are well off, but we could have lived for 10 years, very well (I might add) on what that thing was worth! And it had sentimental value too! You know the Emperor of China himself gave it to my most illustrious forefather, the great Portuguese Admiral Jorge Alvares. It was stuffed with a dozen prize Chinese roses at the time, and of course the roses didn’t last past the week. But now the poor Vase itself has gone the way of the poor roses. That Ming Vase was truly Priceless, and it was smashed to bits in but a split second!

So I yelled “Oh you Stupid Cow! Blast it to bloody Blazes if Heaven should ever forgive you!” Yes, what a terrible thing to say to your wife. And now that I think about it, it was a bit like “Crying over spilled milk”.

What should I do now?

Hi There,

Yes, I do believe a prompt apology was the right reaction - good on you. Would I be right in assuming that a treasured antique like that was insured? Also, I know this is slamming the stable door after the horse has bolted but, maybe a piece like that would have been better off in a display cabinet?
I hope you and your wife are back on good terms!