Let’s Practice: ‘I Flipped Out At My Wife’

apologize to your wife about your outburst?

temper tantrums can happen to the best of us if enough pressure is applied in the right area. but from what i've seen, you seem to know a lot about anger management so i'm sure you'll work out what you want to do.

How lovely to have a happy woman pirouetting in front of you! You see, there are two ways of looking at this. The vase had no intrinsic value, it was just rare and ancient, so The Experts Out There put a high dollar value on it. I'm guessing you had no intention of ever selling it. You've had it so long you probably never noticed it, didn't think about it until there it was on the floor, smashed. Your wife, on the other hand, is not just rare but unique. Irreplaceable. And there is no number of dollars that could 'buy' you another one of her.

When small children are yelled at and called names for breaking something, they get the message the Thing mattered more to their parent than they do. I can't think of any reason why the "stupid cow" should feel any differently. I'm sure she feels at least as bad about it as you do.

How terrible it would be if what was once a chunk of clay left your marriage on the floor, smashed. What a shame it would be if this incident inhibited your wife's exercise program.

And how lovely to have a happy woman pirouetting in front of you...

Hi Bert, Hi Candid

Thanks you guys!

Oh! First! Bert! Today, while resting from Math Practice, I was reading a Thomas Hardy Novel to relax a bit (my TV setup broke down and I decided it was too much for too little to get it fixed and back up), but there was a narrative about good natural oratory... about what I say about you... and it was insightful and a bit funny at the same time.... here it is, from "The Laodician" ..."He was a master of that oratory which no limitation of knowledge can repress, and which no training can impart. The neighbouring rector could eclipse his scholarship, and the freethinker at the corner ship could demolish his logic; but he could do in five minutes what neither of these had done in a lifetime; he could move some of the hardest men to tears." Those are the kind of instincts I think you have.

Anyway, yes, Back to the Post, .... No, I don't have a pretty young wife pirouetting around in a lycra exercise suit knocking over million dollar Ming Vases. But I do have an 18 year old cat that jumped up and knocked over a drink that splashed onto my Math Books and Glass White Board. I bopped her on the back and told her in a loud voice that she was a 'bad bunny'. Well, of course, it only took a second to realize that I had never put a drink in that spot before, and it really was her traditional 'jump up' spot, so, actually, when we consider who had the most facts at hand and the most control over the situation, well, it was all actually my fault.

Regarding my Fantasy Situation, I am surprised that neither of you pointed out hat it was rather silly of me to leave that Precious Ming Vase out so vulnerable and unsecured. I've heard that in the Real World of the Filthy Rich, that if they leave certain expensive things 'out' then it is only in very restricted rooms. some things are only brought out for parties. A Ming Vase would be set in the middle of a broad table, placing it out of reach, and in a setting of thick felt and soft flowers, so that if it tipped over, nothing would happen. So the Fantasy vase smashing was mostly my own fault... as they say, "an accident waiting to happen".

Yes, real world with Kitty, within seconds I was up out of my chair and saying 'Sorry Bunny, Sorry Bunny'. she knows what that means -- you sometimes step on a tail or drop a dish on their heads, and so there is plenty of times for them to learn the Rituals of Apology. I first petted her and kissed her on the spot, so that she would not associate that spot with 'Bad Karma' or whatever, and then I took her over to the Quality Time Box for a special Brushy Brushy, and then I moved up the time for her Schnicky Schnack (she is so old and fussy about what she eats that she is the only cat that gets fed 3 times a day.... and luckily her 'Schnicky Schnack', loved by her, is hated by all the other cats and they leave her alone with it). After about 10 minutes I was fairly sure that she had no begrudging feelings. Observing her behavior for the next 48 hours indicated that she was keeping to the same routines and expecting the same 'Quality Times'. So I was able to dodge that bullet for the most part. Damage was indeed controlled. But it was just a Cat, and a Cat that really probably does not expect much from Human Beings. Pretty Young Wives may be more fragile and less easily repaired.

So, yes, this is a lesson on just how quickly an explosive emotional reaction can instantly turn into an expedient need for damage control and more.

If I did have that Young Wife, well, as Candid pointed out, my values would have to shift instantly, from How Valuable was the Vase, to How Valuable is the Wife. Of course, Apologies would have to be instantaneous. No excuses made regarding the harshness of the remarks. Full liability admitted for having put the Vase so obviously in dangers way. "Oh I've been a complete idiot for not putting a locked 2-Inch think bullet proof Bell Jar over that thing. It all my own fault".... Well, wives might have more pride than even cats. and so it would not surprise me if I were to be left alone for awhile. Good. Time for her to cool off. Sliding a conciliatory note under the door... as quiet as a mouse, would be a good idea.... suggesting a 'date'... a night out on the town doing her favorite things (but expect a 'rain check'). The next day, flowers would arrive. the next weekend, well, some reason would come up to give her some piece of expensive jewelry. In short, the situation would be treated as very serious and all available resources would be thrown into mitigating the adverse consequences. Only when your friends suggest that you are going somewhat too far -- "Hey don't reward her too much for smashing up your stuff... Next thing you know she'll run your Mercedes into a Wall to get you to spring for a new pearl necklace.".

so that is why we stay alert and keep watch. If we get Really Good at this Anger Management Thing, then we can catch even those quick instantaneous emotional reactions. Practice makes perfect. And what is Life but an endless practice at getting better at Living, until living is not required of us anymore.

Leo Volont wrote:No, I don't have a pretty young wife pirouetting around in a lycra exercise suit knocking over million dollar Ming Vases.
[...]
If I did have that Young Wife, well, as Candid pointed out, my values would have to shift instantly, from How Valuable was the Vase, to How Valuable is the Wife. Of course, Apologies would have to be instantaneous. No excuses made regarding the harshness of the remarks. Full liability admitted for having put the Vase so obviously in dangers way.

I'm not getting this. Are you saying a Young Wife would be more valuable than a silly old vase, but your wife isn't?

Sliding a conciliatory note under the door... as quiet as a mouse, would be a good idea.... suggesting a 'date'... a night out on the town doing her favorite things (but expect a 'rain check'). The next day, flowers would arrive. the next weekend, well, some reason would come up to give her some piece of expensive jewelry. In short, the situation would be treated as very serious and all available resources would be thrown into mitigating the adverse consequences. Only when your friends suggest that you are going somewhat too far --

My thoughts exactly. The note under the door inviting her on a date is sweet. All the rest of it sounds OTT. You only need to show her you love her then carry on as always.

That's if you do love her, of course. I'm not quite comfortable with the idea that you'd trade her in a heartbeat for a "pretty Young Wife" who could tie your dick in a knot and you wouldn't complain.

Leo Volont wrote:I just totally lost it! My wife was doing her video aerobics in the living room, her attention glued to the TV, when the silly aerobics routine she was following had them do a spinning kick or something. Well, my wife pirouetted around and knocked my precious 15th Century Ming Vase off its marble pedestal, and a second later my most treasured family heirloom was in a thousand worthless pieces. Yes, we are well off, but we could have lived for 10 years, very well (I might add) on what that thing was worth! And it had sentimental value too! You know the Emperor of China himself gave it to my most illustrious forefather, the great Portuguese Admiral Jorge Alvares. It was stuffed with a dozen prize Chinese roses at the time, and of course the roses didn’t last past the week. But now the poor Vase itself has gone the way of the poor roses. That Ming Vase was truly Priceless, and it was smashed to bits in but a split second!

So I yelled “Oh you Stupid Cow! Blast it to bloody Blazes if Heaven should ever forgive you!” Yes, what a terrible thing to say to your wife. And now that I think about it, it was a bit like “Crying over spilled milk”.

What should I do now?

Small homes lack the space to store your precious valuables. Poor husbands lack the ability to give their wives a gym membership , so, in turn they have to work out to an outdated video on a dvd player that went out of the market 25 years ago.
McCain

Leo Volont wrote:Hi Bert, Hi Candid

Thanks you guys!

Oh! First! Bert! Today, while resting from Math Practice, I was reading a Thomas Hardy Novel to relax a bit (my TV setup broke down and I decided it was too much for too little to get it fixed and back up), but there was a narrative about good natural oratory... about what I say about you... and it was insightful and a bit funny at the same time.... here it is, from "The Laodician" ..."He was a master of that oratory which no limitation of knowledge can repress, and which no training can impart. The neighbouring rector could eclipse his scholarship, and the freethinker at the corner ship could demolish his logic; but he could do in five minutes what neither of these had done in a lifetime; he could move some of the hardest men to tears." Those are the kind of instincts I think you have.

Anyway, yes, Back to the Post, .... No, I don't have a pretty young wife pirouetting around in a lycra exercise suit knocking over million dollar Ming Vases. But I do have an 18 year old cat that jumped up and knocked over a drink that splashed onto my Math Books and Glass White Board. I bopped her on the back and told her in a loud voice that she was a 'bad bunny'. Well, of course, it only took a second to realize that I had never put a drink in that spot before, and it really was her traditional 'jump up' spot, so, actually, when we consider who had the most facts at hand and the most control over the situation, well, it was all actually my fault.

Regarding my Fantasy Situation, I am surprised that neither of you pointed out hat it was rather silly of me to leave that Precious Ming Vase out so vulnerable and unsecured. I've heard that in the Real World of the Filthy Rich, that if they leave certain expensive things 'out' then it is only in very restricted rooms. some things are only brought out for parties. A Ming Vase would be set in the middle of a broad table, placing it out of reach, and in a setting of thick felt and soft flowers, so that if it tipped over, nothing would happen. So the Fantasy vase smashing was mostly my own fault... as they say, "an accident waiting to happen".

Yes, real world with Kitty, within seconds I was up out of my chair and saying 'Sorry Bunny, Sorry Bunny'. she knows what that means -- you sometimes step on a tail or drop a dish on their heads, and so there is plenty of times for them to learn the Rituals of Apology. I first petted her and kissed her on the spot, so that she would not associate that spot with 'Bad Karma' or whatever, and then I took her over to the Quality Time Box for a special Brushy Brushy, and then I moved up the time for her Schnicky Schnack (she is so old and fussy about what she eats that she is the only cat that gets fed 3 times a day.... and luckily her 'Schnicky Schnack', loved by her, is hated by all the other cats and they leave her alone with it). After about 10 minutes I was fairly sure that she had no begrudging feelings. Observing her behavior for the next 48 hours indicated that she was keeping to the same routines and expecting the same 'Quality Times'. So I was able to dodge that bullet for the most part. Damage was indeed controlled. But it was just a Cat, and a Cat that really probably does not expect much from Human Beings. Pretty Young Wives may be more fragile and less easily repaired.

So, yes, this is a lesson on just how quickly an explosive emotional reaction can instantly turn into an expedient need for damage control and more.

If I did have that Young Wife, well, as Candid pointed out, my values would have to shift instantly, from How Valuable was the Vase, to How Valuable is the Wife. Of course, Apologies would have to be instantaneous. No excuses made regarding the harshness of the remarks. Full liability admitted for having put the Vase so obviously in dangers way. "Oh I've been a complete idiot for not putting a locked 2-Inch think bullet proof Bell Jar over that thing. It all my own fault".... Well, wives might have more pride than even cats. and so it would not surprise me if I were to be left alone for awhile. Good. Time for her to cool off. Sliding a conciliatory note under the door... as quiet as a mouse, would be a good idea.... suggesting a 'date'... a night out on the town doing her favorite things (but expect a 'rain check'). The next day, flowers would arrive. the next weekend, well, some reason would come up to give her some piece of expensive jewelry. In short, the situation would be treated as very serious and all available resources would be thrown into mitigating the adverse consequences. Only when your friends suggest that you are going somewhat too far -- "Hey don't reward her too much for smashing up your stuff... Next thing you know she'll run your Mercedes into a Wall to get you to spring for a new pearl necklace.".

so that is why we stay alert and keep watch. If we get Really Good at this Anger Management Thing, then we can catch even those quick instantaneous emotional reactions. Practice makes perfect. And what is Life but an endless practice at getting better at Living, until living is not required of us anymore.

well you've pulled the wool over my eyes leo. i took your scenario as reality. but it did all seem a bit strange since i thought i remembered that you didn't have a wife.

if i'd known it was a theoretical test scenario i may have responded differently.

& thanks again for your kind words about my writing/visions/instincts or whatever those words were about:)

Hi Candid,

You say you are 'puzzled', but I am wondering myself about how you are interpreting the things I say... what you are inferring from what you think I am implying, doesn't ring at all true with the intent of what I wrote... though my communication skills may be somewhat at fault.... but let's look at it....

Candid wrote:

Leo Volont wrote:
[...]
If I did have that Young Wife, well, as Candid pointed out, my values would have to shift instantly, from How Valuable was the Vase, to How Valuable is the Wife. Of course, Apologies would have to be instantaneous. No excuses made regarding the harshness of the remarks. Full liability admitted for having put the Vase so obviously in dangers way.

I'm not getting this. Are you saying a Young Wife would be more valuable than a silly old vase, but your wife isn't?

Sliding a conciliatory note under the door... as quiet as a mouse, would be a good idea.... suggesting a 'date'... a night out on the town doing her favorite things (but expect a 'rain check'). The next day, flowers would arrive. the next weekend, well, some reason would come up to give her some piece of expensive jewelry. In short, the situation would be treated as very serious and all available resources would be thrown into mitigating the adverse consequences. Only when your friends suggest that you are going somewhat too far --

My thoughts exactly. The note under the door inviting her on a date is sweet. All the rest of it sounds OTT. You only need to show her you love her then carry on as always.

That's if you do love her, of course. I'm not quite comfortable with the idea that you'd trade her in a heartbeat for a "pretty Young Wife" who could tie your dick in a knot and you wouldn't complain.

In the first Section you seem surprised, that I would value a Young Wife over a Million Dollar Ming Vase. Where is that coming from? It seems to imply you seem terribly cynical and sort of jaded regarding how you feel about relationships or how you assume men feel about relationships. Yes, it does seem that older richer men 'seem' to simply marry young 'trophy wives', but that does not mean that they do not 'love' them and become bonded to them. and then there is the Worldly Concern of realizing that a marriage on the rocks can really make life miserable... and Older Men know this best. and so both for sentimental and romantic reasons, as well as for practical reasons, any Rational and Feeling Older Man would instantly see the Value in maintaining his Marital Relationship and keeping it in good order.

and that brings me to your closing. When have I ever implied that I would trade in women 'in a heartbeat'. yes, I have never been very fussy while just dating. With dating, the whole idea is to eliminate those that can't advance to the Next Step. when people say that a Partner is 'Irresistible', well, it implies a good faith effort to in fact 'resist'... to see if one can get by quite well enough without that new person. It just so happens I find most women quite resistible. But Marriage is at a whole different level. Nobody Thinks they can just trade in wives. Just the Cost of a divorce is prohibitive. then there is the Social Impact, the Scandals, the Talk. One is quite intimate with Wives. Just think what they say about you when they are dismissed with a clumsy divorce. Especially with Social Media giving everybody a forum nowadays. So nobody in their right mind would wish to make an Intimate an Enemy over just some silly reasons that only puerile School Boys would take seriously.

So, anyway, Candid... you seem to be reading, and even 'thinking' with some Weird Distorting Not Very Rose Coloured Glasses. Or I really need to attend to my Communications Skills, so what I Say is a bit closer to what I Mean.

McCain wrote:
Small homes lack the space to store your precious valuables. Poor husbands lack the ability to give their wives a gym membership , so, in turn they have to work out to an outdated video on a dvd player that went out of the market 25 years ago.
McCain

Hi McCain,

Well, if it were true that I had a Million Dollar Ming Vase, and a Pretty Young Trophy Wife, then it would not be at all likely that my house would be a small one. it would probably be quite large. But that suggests something that goes along quite well with what you were saying, that there would have been specialized areas in a larger house -- places to show off all my Ming Vases, Louis the IVX chairs, Faberge Eggs and Renoirs; as well as a private gymnasium and swimming pool.

Gym Memberships! THAT is what I thought people did not do anymore. It is such a famously common thing -- to pay for a Gym Membership, and then show up a few times and then let it lapse. A lot of Gyms, during their hey day, had tens or hundreds of times more 'Members' than could ever actually fit in the gym. they all paid, but nearly nobody was actually showing up. Eventually the Public caught on, and the Market for Gym Memberships collapsed. Oh, and it sort of became cliché about how married women were going to Gyms to have affairs with the trainers. After all, what else is a trainer there for? So husbands had a good incentive for installing home gyms, where, if trainers were brought in, on a consulting capacity, they could be screened, and maybe even subtly told of the 'house rules' (flirty no touchy, or whatever... with some households being more or less lenient or strict in regards to relationships with the 'help')

Now, I was not aware that nobody does aerobics in front of their Giant Large Screen TV's. the New Large Screen TV's seem custom built for such an application. that and all around stereo sound. I can't see why that would not retain some appeal. Especially for, well, Trophy Wives. These are women who have Always made it a priority to look their best and to be toned up. they spend hours with their hair and make-up. They are always hungry because they know that eating till 'satisfied' is what makes fat women 'fat'. they may be tired, but they do their routine workouts and runs just like clockwork. These Girls are anything but 'ditsy'. I can think of no other women that have to work quite so hard to get what they get, per dollar, than these Trophy Wives. Oh, I also have great admiration for fashion models and successful actresses. Maintaining an attractive appearance and good healthy physical tone, in this day and age of slackness and endemic obesity, well, it to be very highly commended.

Leo, 1985 is calling, get with the times my friend.
Your stereotypical reasoning denotes the words of a very outdated man.

McCain

bert_ernie wrote:well you've pulled the wool over my eyes leo. i took your scenario as reality. but it did all seem a bit strange since i thought i remembered that you didn't have a wife.

if i'd known it was a theoretical test scenario i may have responded differently.

And I wouldn't have responded at all! I was bothered by the distinction our OP made between how he would have behaved towards a pretty Young Wife and how he 'actually' behaved towards the old walloper who turns out to be a figment of his imagination.

Leo Volont wrote:Or I really need to attend to my Communications Skills, so what I Say is a bit closer to what I Mean.

Or a bit closer to the truth, maybe?

In the first Section you seem surprised, that I would value a Young Wife over a Million Dollar Ming Vase. Where is that coming from?
[...]
When have I ever implied that I would trade in women 'in a heartbeat'.

It's enough for me that other members can see the distinction you made between a Young Wife and an ordinary, age-appropriate one. I hope you find the wife you deserve, sir.

McCain wrote:Leo, 1985 is calling, get with the times my friend.
Your stereotypical reasoning denotes the words of a very outdated man.

McCain

McCain, you are absolutely right!

I am Definitely your 20th Century Man!

Oh, you picked the same year I did! The other day I was telling some young person, at the Phone and Internet Company, that back in 1985 I was not such an idiot.

Anyway, it has happened to many an older generation... getting noticeably dated, this Generation, well, most of all... with Internet Speeds doubling every 18 months, and having to buy new computers, new cables, new modums, new Everything... before the old ones can even collect the first flake of dust... well, if everything doesn't look continually new different weird and puzzling, then, well you've gotten too old to even pay attention.

Thanks, McCain, for follow my posts. Luv ya man.

[quote="Candid

It's enough for me that other members can see the distinction you made between a Young Wife and an ordinary, age-appropriate one. I hope you find the wife you deserve, sir.

[/quote]

Hi Candid,

Always a pleasure.

Oh, right in the Title of the post it says "Let's Practice" and then I went on with a story about a young wife and a Ming Vase, I would have thought I left enough bread crumbs for people to figure out that it was a 'Practice Scenario'.... but I really need to practice my communication skills, don't ?

But what you said about FINDING A WIFE!? Really? Me? Do I seem to you like somebody looking for a Wife? Look, you yourself are fine lady -- intelligent and congenial -- but look at how we disagree all the time. Well, it is not just you. it turns out that my thinking and my personality are somewhat strikingly adverse to what a lot of women think proper in other 'persons'. and I am intelligent enough to discern the trend. so, no, I don't ever expect to marry again. In fact, just dating was getting so expensive, and just so I could spend money on 'rejects'. so I don't date anymore either.

Oh, there is one 'trap' I learned of, years ago. Confirmed Bachelors often marry their maids... their housekeepers. the ladies are poor and trained to be subservient and so they seem irresistible. But, honestly! So I am careful to pick up after myself and to avert the danger of falling in love with the only woman that I meet alone...

Anyway, Candid, it is always a pleasure. thank you for following my posts, and sorry for any confusion...

Leo Volont wrote: the ladies are poor and trained to be subservient and so they seem irresistible.

Subservience, from the woman in the relationship — is this something you'd really like? I'm recent friends with a man who had a very subservient (late) wife, married 36 years. It seems, I mean it's so obvious to me, that he's looking to replace her with another subservient woman. But then, his wife's best friend tells me (confidentially, but we're strangers here) that his wife wanted to die, due to her relationship with her husband, and I suppose not having the strong-enough sense of self to leave the marriage. What say you, is this what a man wants?

Leo Volont wrote: I really need to practice my communication skills, don't ?

Clearly. And there's another side to that: your comprehension skills. There's a sub-forum here called The Light Lounge, specifically set aside for jokes, pranks and fantasies. We'll be doing the forum a great disservice if we start assuming people are making things up.

Do I seem to you like somebody looking for a Wife?

You seem to me like a man who needs someone to talk to. Any woman other than a trophy wife might fit the bill.

it turns out that my thinking and my personality are somewhat strikingly adverse to what a lot of women think proper in other 'persons'. and I am intelligent enough to discern the trend. so, no, I don't ever expect to marry again. In fact, just dating was getting so expensive, and just so I could spend money on 'rejects'. so I don't date anymore either.

There's another option: Having therapy to figure out why you're so inflammable, so you can (if you wish) change the way you interact with others. Like attracts like; rejects attract rejects. With the right therapist, ie. one who begins where you're at and takes it slowly, the experience of rejoining the human race would be pleasurable instead of feeling like an attack on the ego.

I am careful to pick up after myself and to avert the danger of falling in love with the only woman that I meet alone...

Since this is a prank thread, I can't tell whether you "pick up after myself" because you have no servant, or whether there is an "only woman that I meet alone".

quietvoice wrote:Subservience, from the woman in the relationship — is this something you'd really like?
[...]
What say you, is this what a man wants?

I wonder. It seems to me that someone who experiences himself as at odds with the whole world would have plenty of ever-renewing anger to 'manage'. And that instead of continually cycling through anger creation and 'management', it would be easier and far pleasanter to get to the bottom of it.

Leo, you wrote about a real (I think!) incident in which your cat knocked a drink over, and

it only took a second to realize that I had never put a drink in that spot before, and it really was her traditional 'jump up' spot, so, actually, when we consider who had the most facts at hand and the most control over the situation, well, it was all actually my fault.

and went on to say

I am surprised that neither of you pointed out hat it was rather silly of me to leave that Precious Ming Vase out so vulnerable and unsecured.
[....]
So the Fantasy vase smashing was mostly my own fault... as they say, "an accident waiting to happen".

This, apparently, was the answer you expected to your Test Case, and here you stroll into my territory.

When a very young child is unfairly punished he can't object. Being dependent on his abusegivers for food, warmth, affection and everything else, he can't allow himself to believe one or both parents is ever wrong. The only alternative, when beaten for something he didn't do or didn't understand, is to believe he must be wrong and to look for ways of blaming himself. With consistently harsh and punitive parents, the child will spend more and more time asking "What's wrong with me?", looking for and focusing on his faults until he's totally messed up, assumes he's to blame for every little thing that goes wrong, and that by definition all other parties to any quarrels are right. This is the early demolition of self-esteem, making the child (then adolescent, adult and old man) vulnerable to abusers and constantly collecting more things to feel bad about and blame himself for. He becomes socially avoidant and yes, ANGRY. Everyone around him appears to be doing better, and he tries and tries and tries but still feels like an alien. He even punishes himself for his feelings, insisting that anger isn't an emotion but simply bad behaviour that can and must be controlled -- but he knows he can't actually do that, so he sits at home with his cats and his irritability leaks out in internet relationships... safer than IRL, obviously, but then the damned cat knocks over the jar of whisky he needs to self-medicate bad feelings. And you know what's sad about it? He's on his own there, doing his best, and his immediate response is to look for how he can blame himself. He truly believes self-blame is the key to anger management.

I don't think it's working, Leo. And I know there's a better way that would mean yes, you could have a life companion without her or your life being at risk.