I binge eat (daily). & I need to stop.

If you knew me in person you wouldn't be able to tell I secretly go in binges. I'm 5'5" and weigh 140lbs. Male. About 5 months ago I weighed about 125.

Some people tell me the increase weight gain looks good and I look for full as opposed to being skinny. The truth is I've always wanted the weight gain, however through hitting the gym; lifting weights and doing cardio.

My bank statements show the true horror of my situation; of which I've shown my best friend and have seen this incredible look on his face of utter surprise: I've spent on average about $80-$120 a month on simply fast food.

I'm 21 years old, attending my last semester in a community college before I move away from the family nest egg to study on my own. Monday through Friday I usually visit at least one fast food joint in between classes. I won't binge on 3 burgers at once but I will opt for the big bacon grease burger, which is a reoccurring theme for me everyday. What gets me the most is that after eating this crap in my car I always feel regret and unhappy once I finish, which is an astounding emotion considering before, as I'm driving to the fast food joint I am filled will determination towards attaining a large order of fries and coke. This happens everyday. There have been numerous times when I'll think back to the current week and realize only 2 or 3 of all my meals were eaten at home...and those meals were most likely midnight snacks of hot dogs i'll cook up.

I feel a slave to fast food, food in general and feel completely not in control of my nutritional intake.

I used to genuinely believe I was addicted to cheeseburgers (which at the age of 18 I developed kidney stones and most likely am getting them again due to my current situation, but i've never actually passed one; considering once the immense pain starts on my lower left kidney I'll start drinking nothing but water, pure cranberry juice and acidic drinks like pure limes) but since have realized this to be a nutritional issue.

Eating the way I due has never been beneficial. Like many people my age I grew up with happy meals and it stuck with me. After EVERY one of these meals i'll always feel like crap, sometimes so bad i'll miss class cause i'm belching massive burps or simply want to lay down rather than sit in class.

Just a few hours ago I went to Ikea, purchased some necessities and saw at their cafe 2 hot dogs, soda and bag of chips for $2 and took the deal, even though I had eaten an hour prior. When I eat with other people I always eat normal meals; such as a regular chicken, baked potato meal at TGI Fridays, but I always feel like crap no matter the meal. Personally, subtlety I feel that i've been eating so unhealthfully for such a long time that no matter what I eat (unless its a salad) will make me feel horrible. & I've tried eating just a salad but i'm never satisfied. No joke, but i'll always go back out and grab a McBurger.

Now, I have an idea as to what you may suggest, that being I make sensible meals at home...but here's the rub: I live at home and my parents eat very unhealthy. Well, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and say its not too bad and in no way comparable to me but the house is filled with so many sodas, salty food, cup of noodles, bags of chips than any kid can dream of. And i've brought this up to my folks before, but they won't budge. Not my dad, who admits he lives red meat all the time (he always knocks out after eating) regretting saying he ate too much but goes back a few hours later). My mom has always been more open to the discussion as she's even suggested we stock up the fridge with healthy greens but that mantra with here lasts no longer than a week until she admits she's been spoiled by the all-american diet.

I feel...lost. & it sucks cause its over food. I never would've thought it would be like this yet here I am. But I have discovered one thing oddly enough that makes me not want to eat fast food: Marijuana.

Here me out:

I found this forum years ago to help me stop smoking weed. My previous posts a long time ago had me stating I used to smoke at least 10 bowls a day. I've since not smoked more than a handful of times. I really feel that this forum helped, however it wasn't just one post that did it either. I kept coming back asking for help and comfort. In these past posts I mentioned that my best friend, who didn't smoke weed hated that I would smoke weed. He was incredibly happy when I stopped and our friendship became stronger than before. But about many months ago my best friend lost his job and stayed at home a lot, with a lot of time to kill. He ended up picking up a little weed and smoking a little here and there. Then he bought a pipe and smoked more and more. To the point where I saw my old self in him; the self that wanted to be high all the time. Being my best friend he offers me to smoke with him and he gets upset when I turn him down just about every time. "But I would smoke with you when you wanted to!" he says. I find it bizarre and pleasing that I have ABSOLUTELY no desire to smoke weed anymore. Considering the amount I used to smoke; last night for new years I was in a room filled with weed smoke and I was not intrigued one bit. But after this new years party I did drive to Carl's Jr to pick up a cheeseburger. I've noticed that when I eat unhealthy I have no desire to smoke weed....but when I've smoked weed I have no desire to eat unhealthy.It's like some internal part of me is content/satisfied by the external intake.

Just thought i'd share that. I'm happy to be back at this forum. It helped tremendously the 1st time around.