Pain is my life...

Hey..I would like to say some things. To finally let go of all these i can never tell anyone...
I don't know what went wrong with me. I suddenly, one day, decided i need to diet. This was 3 years ago, and now, here I am, trying to trow up, starving myself for a week or so, and then binging and gaining all the kilos I so insanely tried to lose.
I was fine for a while, recentely. But, it just simply hit me again. My best friend says i just have to stop ''overthinking''.
God, I would, if I could...problem is, I'm not doing this on purpose. I definitely don't want to live like that. It's not my choice, all this feelings of anxiety and sadness. I cannot control it, they just hit me all over again, and i can do nothing to stop them. T

But I'm so sick of it. I'm so tired of never being enough. Of counting calories, all the time. Of cutting my meal in tiny portions and yet eating the half of it. Of crying over my fat, disgusting body. Of seeing the number on the scale and getting mad, and wanting to disappear. I'm tired of constantly trying to control myself, I'm tired of all other people being so normal and so calm, when I'm dying inside. I can't do it anymore. Always, just when I think I'm about to finally get better, these feelings rush back and ruin everything, once again.
I'm tired of locking the bathroom door, and trying to purge. I'm tired of feeling so exhausted because of the lack of food. I'mtired of my emotions depending on the fact wether i have eaten or not.
Finally, I also cut...it gives me relief, just for a second. It makes me forget all the pain, all the disgust and the disappointment I feel for myself, it makes me focus on the body pain, and not the psychological one. Even though, I'm tired of taking my well-sharpened pencils to etch my skin, and also collecting matches so that I burn it. I am ashamed of my scars. I am tired of this never ending nightmare. Once, I had hope. That someday, somewhere, somehow, it will get better...
I tried. You have no idea how hard I' ve tried. But it's not easy. You don't simply wake up one day and say ''from now on, i will never starve myself again, i will never cut again and i will be happy!'' . Believe me, I tried that to. I don't know what can I do anymore. I have come to a point where I don't actually care whether I would be alive or not. I'm not suicidal, no. But, if a car was coming towards me, I wouldn't bother to protect myself.

WHY CAN'T I BE PRETTY? WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY? Why am I constantly struggling and never getting through this?

I am a wreck inside...I am torn apart.
That was it..
thanks to whoever bothered to answer or even simply read it... <3