Mr-Random wrote:Hi everybody. As the topic name says, I am curious about how to control my rage. I had a very hostile upbringing and where I grew up at, it was an area of defend yourself constantly or be beaten constantly. I now live in a very peacefull quiet neighborhood and that helps but Mr Hyde still dwells in me.
Last night was a horrible night which is why I am here now.
I had been drinking quite a bit of beer and was fairly intoxicated. My girlfriend came out yelling at me because I hadn't come inside yet. This angered me because I'm a grown man, was minding my own business. Naturally, I yelled back at her and things escalated. She got in my face and punched me. Upon that happening, pure rage ignited in me and I unloaded on her as though I were fighting a man. I feel completely horrible about this and deserve to. That was wrong regardless of her yelling and hitting me. I have no idea what clicked in my head but realized what I was doing and stopped instantly. Shes not hurt bad at all thank god but the look of terror in her eyes was and still is haunting me. We talked this morning and are fine now but she said when I snapped that I looked like I have no soul. Violence is always a last resort for me but I fear if I can lose control like that with my girlfriend, what could I potentially do to someone else. I wish I could wipe my memory of all self desfense skills and anger. That way I could never be a threat to anybody again.
Thanks for reading
Dear Random,
Wow! In many cases of Extreme Rage, the violence seems to be Beyond Control, and the best that we can hope for is that the Particular Enraged Person involved doesn’t have the Habitual Conditioning and Engrained Training to use Tactics and Techniques that would Kill, Blind, or Maim their Target… most Enraged people confine themselves to simple punching, slapping and kicking because they never really thought about doing anything Worse. You know, This should be a Warning to people who Study the Martial Arts, since they are conditioning themselves to be Very Deadly and Lethal, and they should think hard about what the probable consequences of that might be if they ever ‘Flipped Out’. (Case In Point: A friend of mine was ‘lucky’ to be Out of State when he was enraged in a strange bar one night and ‘Instantaneously’ broke off a beer bottle on the edge of the bar and ground it someone’s face’… he made a ‘getaway’ and nobody recognized him and so the Police Hunt went cold, but he read about it in the newspapers – he had entirely Blinded some poor man. It turns out that in his Self Defense Class they had had a Series of Practices and Training Exercises on how to utilize common household items as lethal weapons, and my Friend had remembered the Lesson all too well).
But… On to Your Case … this is what you said,
“I have no idea what clicked in my head but realized what I was doing and stopped instantly.” You were able to Pull Back and Step Out. That is fantastic! Most People have to Ride Out their Entire Rage… they stop only when they get Exhausted. When I was married I once went so far as to make a Fist at my Wife, and it scared the bejesus out of both of us. But, in that moment, like you, I experienced that SHUT DOWN ‘Thing’. It is hard to explain, isn’t it? It is Wonderful that it Happens, but only sad that it does not kick in any sooner.
But, yes, you do Need more Self Control, and not just for your tendency for taking hostile actions against what are really Low-Risk Threats. For instance, you need to wonder why you would cohabitate with a woman who wouldn’t let you enjoy an evening out in the yard, having a few beers, if that is the kind of thing that you Enjoy in Life. I really think that SHE should be the One writing in to us here at the Anger Forum. After all, Look at what She Did! She ran out of the house screaming… making a Huge Embarrassing Scene in from of the Entire Neighborhood… and started attacking you. Yes, it was wrong for you to Show Any Anger at all. What you Should have Shown Her was what you look like from behind walking out the door with two suitcases and a steamer trunk! Or, if it is Your House or Apartment, you should have quietly suggested that she should begin packing ‘right now’ because you believe the Taxi will be there to pick her up within a half hour, and that you wish her all the Luck in the World in her future endeavors… particularly in finding any man she could be the least bit attracted to who Doesn’t enjoy a beer or two after a hard day’s Work while watching the sun set and feeling the first coolness of the Evening on one’s face.
You need to think about that If you stay with this Girlfriend, well, what kind of Future would That Be for you? What if she Learns that she can consistently get away with harping, nagging and hitting you? How could any Man still Be a Man and put up with that kind of ‘Whipping’? You know there is difference between a healthy Sex Life and just being ‘screwed over’.
Now, yes, most people would say I am far too abrupt, and should give such Girlfriends a Second Chance. Okay, let’s look at that. Yes, on your part, for your own Anger, You are indeed Taking Responsibility for yourself. We can definitely pursue your own Anger Management Goals completely and thoroughly… that is what we are here for. But as I see it Now, at this Present Moment, your LARGER Problem is with the Girl. She MUST Actively Seek Help Too, or One of You must find New Quarters.
Anyway, let me know what you think…