Hi Stella,
I am concerned about Karen as well, but I don't think you caused her to stop posting. I wish there was some way to get in touch with her
I am glad that what I said resounded with you. There is a great deal of guilt when you live with someone who has to deal with the ups and downs (mostly the downs) of this condition. I think it's wonderful that you have a devoted partner. Without mine, I would have surely been gone a while ago.
Your lifestyle sounds beautiful. Being able to interact with the horses and be in nature so much must be very therapeutic.
I can trace my behavior back to when I was a teenager. Interestingly, I don't remember my childhood before age 12 or so, so this leads me to believe there was some abuse I blocked out. I am the oldest of 3 girls, and my parents were very perfectionistic and demanding (or so I felt). I always had to achieve academically. I always felt under a lot of pressure and isolated myself within my home. I was angry a lot and hid in my room and listened to music. When I was about 13 or so, I remember asking my mom if I looked fat, or needed to lose weight, and I think she said I did. She was always concerned about what she ate and had all these calorie counting books which I read voraciously. So, I went on a diet of my own making. And that started it all. Once I lost weight I got so many compliments that I decided to lose more. Plus, this was under my control. I could control how I looked, not my parents. I started exercising like crazy, staying up until all hours of the night doing leg lifts and calesthetics. I remember one day I decided all I could eat was a small plum and I would eat that in very small sections. I counted all my calories and felt very accomplished when my daily intake was very low, like a few hundred.
Eventually, my parents became concerned. I think my weight went into the low 90s. They had no idea what to do. They took me to a psychologist and I wouldn't talk. They chased me around the house with oatmeal, and I ran outside and hid in the car in the cold. At this time (early 80s), anorexia was not well known, so they had no idea what to do with me. I, on the other hand, was so proud of my weight and didn't see how it was affecting me.
Eventually I got the idea to purge. This behavior continued until I was a college sophomore or so. I would mostly starve myself and occassionally BP. For some reason, I just stopped this behavior on my own. I don't really remember how this happened except that it did.
Interestingly, I had to conquer my self image problems for a while as when I got pregnant with my first child, I gained 60 lbs. That was in 1994. I never really lost all the weight, so my weight increased with my 2nd child. With my 3rd I had gestational diabetes, and my weight was close to 210 when I delivered, and I am only 5"0'. I was used to being about 115. However, I accepted how I looked for some reason. I started losing the weight in 2006, and am now back to "normal" weight. I am conscious about what I eat, but I don't count calories or obsess. I eat when I am hungry and I try to eat healthy. I don't binge.
That said, I am certainly not without problems. As I mentioned before, I believe that the anorexia and bulimia are part of a pattern of OC behavior, so although I don't have them per se, the OC manifests in other ways. When I was a teenager I had very bad skin. I used to pick at it a lot. Now, my skin is pretty nice, but I still pick when I am anxious. I also pick at the ends of my hair. It's interesting because the buildup of anxiety precipitates these habits, but markedly dissapates after I am done, just like binging. An hour can go by while I am doing this and it seems like a minute. I am in an almost unconscious state of mind.
The reason that I came to these boards to post my "water cure" is because it has done a lot to curb my compulsions. This year I became obsessed with the wrinkle that has formed between my brows. I became aware of it 2 years ago and it's been something I've hated ever since. I decided to have my face peeled to get rid of it, something I have done for many years just to clear my skin. It really works wonders. Well, I figured it would help the line. My skin looked great for a few weeks, but the line returned. So, I decided to get another peel. After this one, my skin looked worse. My forehead was pink and other parts of my face. Usually the pinkness goes away but this time it didn't. I was devastated as I was flying to see my sister in Oregon in a few weeks. So, I decided to get my face lasered. I had also had laser treatments for hair removal for years, so I thought this was no big deal. However, my skin was so traumatized from the peeling, that the laser left an indentation on my forehead, as well as making the line deeper and longer. I freaked out. This was at the end of March. My forehead has been swollen since then. It's only been in the last few weeks that it has looked better.
However, the one thing that helped me emotionally cope with the consequences of my actions (I would replay the entire scene of getting the laser done over and over and over again and obsess for hours just drenched in guilt) was drinking water. Once I started doing this, my mind calmed and I had much more control. I have been able to accept what has happened a lot better and let it go as a huge lesson.
I think we have to just take things a day at a time. I get frustrated because I will have a good week or so, and then go back to obsessing. There have been days where I have stared at my forehead for hours in the mirror. And I think, how ridiculous is this? What could I be doing with my time? How vain! I truly think obsessions can be stopped by getting out of the obsessive environment and doing something else, like taking a walk, calling someone, etc. When you feel the desire to binge, do you do something else to stave it off? You're such a good artist, perhaps you could draw? How interesting it would be to see a collection of art that helped to heal your eating disorder.
I think one of the best things to do when one is having suicidal/deeply depressive thoughts is to reach out and ask for help. By calling your DBT coach, you were proactive and that's wonderful, even if you couldn't get out too many words. Many times there aren't any words to describe what you are feeling, it's beyond description. I have been there.
I wish I had answers to your medication dilemma. To be quite honest, I am so anti-medication which is one of the reasons I am almost off Lamictal and soon to be off Lexapro. I know the Lexapro has made me more apathetic, and I can't stand that. I don't think the Lamictal has really helped either. I am hoping that by using supplements (I already take like 20-some a day), by drinking more water, by exercising, and by being more conscious of my actions, that I can eliminate my OC behavior. In my belief, the body has the ability to heal itself. Medication doesn't heal the body, it just aleviates some of the symptoms, and aggravates others. But I do understand that sometimes it is absolutely needed until other methods of healing are found.
Are you interested in any alternative health ideas?
Hope you are doing well today.
Debbi
Thank goodness you're back on the forum and still with us! You're truly needed, missed, and appreciated here. I was right to be worried- in my heart I knew you were in deep trouble. I only wished there was a way I could help. But I know so well that when you're in that space, there is no help- that one can't even 
I'm glad your injuries are on the mend- but nearly nine months of waking up to the swelling everyday - it must be incredibly difficult. 