New member

Hi, I've been reading the posts in this forum and it's helpful to see that I am not alone. I'm a new member, I decided to post here after feeling helpless and alone, and reading other's posts.

I must have had depression for about 4 years on and off, and have been on 60 mg of citalopram for at least a year now. I started to get better and improve, I was exercising and got a new job. But events and circumstances (mainly due to my own stupid behaviour, drinking etc) have brought me right back down. I'm off work at the moment on sick leave and up until yesterday I thought I would never be able to break out of this depression. But yesterday I went to the pool and swam for 20 minutes, and then I called a few people I've been putting off, and I felt so much better. But today I'm sinking again.

Also, I really feel as though I don't have depression, despite being told I do. Logically, I know I have, but I feel as though I should pull my socks up and get on with life, everyone's life is hard. I don't feel suicidal like some people have talked about. Most days I have an underlying sadness and anger, but it generally manifests itself into me feeling NOTHING - ie. no emotion, blank, like there is a brick wall preventing me from feeling too much. I always feel that people are secretly annoyed with me and I feel guilty a lot, especially about not going to work. I feel like I'm a child and I just can't make it into adulthood, although I am late 20's. I suffered quite bad psychological abuse as a child and guilt was a big weapon in my household.

Some days I just can't leave the house or face anyone, or get motivated. I don't know who I am anymore and I'm scared of the future. Does this really sound like depression? I'd appreciate some feedback... thanks so much.