Hi
I am getting a lot better with coping with depression but I have one demon which bugs me over and over again and which I do not understand.
When I was uni, I worked to get a 1st because I thought that this was the only way that I could prove that I was intelligent.
I didn't achieve this aim, and though I did well and went on to do an MA, I still obsess (7 years later) about why I didn't and I still beat myself up over it. My friend at the time got a 1st and it has become a real bone of contention as she is quite competitive. I just feel so stupid that I am still concerned about this as an adult because rationally, I know it is pathetic. But somehow i hate myself for not acheiving it - I feel like a failure and I believe that I am not intelligent because if I had been intelligent, I would have got a 1st... I jsut felt that I strived so hard to get it and that it was the one thing I wanted and I could never have...
I am not sure what is going on here. I don't understand my own brain - i need reassurance all the time that not getting a 1st doesn't mean that I am stupid or that my friend is more intelligent than me. I seem to have an arrested intelligence when it comes to this subject.
Any insights or similar experiences would be useful to hear about.
Thanks
YOG